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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable to say I wouldn't allow this?

25 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 03/06/2019 20:50

MIL has always gone on about taking DS on holiday without us. She has been going on about it since he was about 2 yrs old.
DH and I have always agreed that for very good reasons, we wouldn't allow this.
MIL mentioned again last week that when she goes away in the summer, she could take DS. The thing is, we now have DD and she has never mentioned taking her away and when I asked about DD and said it wouldn't be fair, she said that DD was too young.
I would have accepted this if it wasn't for the fact that DD will almost be 4 in the summer holidays (DS almost 7) and she has been wanting to take DS away since he was half DD's age.
I feel it is favouritsm (have had thoughts about this for years) to take one child on holiday and not the other so I said it wouldn't be fair to just take DS and so I wouldn't allow him to go.
DH still doean't want DS to go for reasons apart from the favouritism - I don't think he sees that at all.
Was I unreasonable to point this out as being unfair? She has often offered to have DS but only talkes DD if we ask. It won't be long until DD notices and I suspect she already does feel it to an extent. MIL didn't look pleased but said nothing.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2019 23:31

Perfectly reasonable of you, totally unfair unless there's say a firm promise to take DD alien when she's 7. I wouldn't let her take DS.

BackforGood · 03/06/2019 23:32

Yes, YABU

When she had one grandchild, she was excited to offer.
Now she has 2, and of course she is 5 years older herself, she realises that actually taking a 6 and 3 yr old would very likely be too much for her.
It isn't favouritism, it is using a bit of sense.

However, it is all academic if you aren't prepared to let her take either of them anyway, isn't it ?

JustHereforHarriet · 03/06/2019 23:34

Don’t lose sleep over it OP. You don’t want her to take either of your chickens on holiday so it’s moot.

JustHereforHarriet · 03/06/2019 23:34

Chickens? Children! Presumably chickens are fair game.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/06/2019 23:37

When she had one grandchild, she was excited to offer. Now she has 2, and of course she is 5 years older herself, she realises that actually taking a 6 and 3 yr old would very likely be too much for her. It isn't favouritism, it is using a bit of sense.

If both is too much, you take neither. You don’t pick a favourite.

PurpleDaisies · 03/06/2019 23:40

I really enjoyed spending time with my grandparents without my sisters around. They also enjoyed spending time with my sisters individually. It’s fine if they can only cope with one grandchild at a time as long as they see them both.

BackforGood · 03/06/2019 23:41

No, you take one (usually that would be the older one as they are a bit more independent) and then you take the other one next time. That way, everyone gets a turn.
Many dc have enjoyed special 1:1 time with their GPs like that.

However, as I said in my first post - the OP said this GP isn't going to be able to take them anyway, so why get worked up about this ?

HiJenny35 · 03/06/2019 23:46

YABU why bring it up, so now if she turns round and says "ok I'll take them both" what then? You aren't happy with her taking them anyway so why not just say no, no need to bring this into it.

springydaff · 03/06/2019 23:55

Wouldn't allow?

What a strange turn of phrase in this context. Are you a headteacher?

llangennith · 04/06/2019 00:02

Your DC. You can allow or not allow whatever you want regarding the MIL.

Duck90 · 04/06/2019 00:10

It’s not unusual for a gp to take an older child on holiday. Your almost 4 year old won’t notice it’s a problem, unless you let her think it is.

But your hinting that gp isn’t suitable to take him away anyway?

Lalliella · 04/06/2019 00:22

I wouldn’t allow a GP to take any of my little chickens on holiday full stop, I would miss them too much. I’d invite GPs to come with us all as a proper family trip.

Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 00:23

MIL did similar except they took SIL kids everywhere with them but ours were ‘too young’. You’re quite right to so both or none!

lyralalala · 04/06/2019 00:24

It's not a problem to take them one at a time. My MIL frequently takes mine out for one on one things. However, the key there is that she does it with them all, not just with one of them.

It's not unreasonable to point out the favouritism, but don't expect it to change. I think parents and grandparents who have to have it pointed out to them rarely change.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/06/2019 00:35

My DDs were 2 years apart. Their grandparents were older (in their 70s) and mostly took them on separate outings. They did different things with the girls because their interests were very different. And yes, they did favor the older daughter because she was more obedient and more appreciative. My youngest learned from missing out on a few treats that she had to listen and behave. It was an important lesson for her and helped when she got to the snarky teenage years.

CJsGoldfish · 04/06/2019 00:43

Meh. I'd be grateful she knows her limitations.

Considering you'd already decided she was never taking either, this just comes across as you finding things (even more?) to fault.

steff13 · 04/06/2019 01:11

So, did you let her take your son when he was 4? Or was he too young at 4, but your daughter isn't?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/06/2019 08:32

Wouldn't allow? What a strange turn of phrase in this context. Are you a headteacher?

Your question is the strange thing. She’s the parent of four and seven year-olds - who else would be deciding what they would and wouldn’t allow others to do with them?

BlueMerchant · 04/06/2019 08:39

I wouldn't allow mil to take one of my DC and not the other.
Personally my mil takes both my DC away for 2-3 nights over the summer (they are 8&9) but I don't allow any longer as they are my DC and I feel any longer is too long.

sonjadog · 04/06/2019 08:40

I think it is perfectly normal to take one child and not the other. And then next time to take the other one. They don´t have to do everything as a pair. But really it is irrelevant as you won't let her take either.

woollyheart · 04/06/2019 09:09

Wouldn't it be better to make clear to her that you are never going to let her take your dc away on her own?

Then you don't have to make up excuses every time she asks.

If you say it's unfair that she takes only one, she could easily offer to take both. If you really don't want her taking them away alone, you mustn't offer her this chance.

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 04/06/2019 10:57

I have mentioned before that I would be uncomfortable with him going for a full week but it doesn't make a difference.
If I thought she would take DD separately another time then I wouldn't mind for a long weekend. But I know she wouldn't take DD.
In fairness DD is harder than DS was at her age, but she also would cope better than DS on the kind of holidays PIL goes on. DS would be bored and complaining sat around the pool whereas DD would find a way to entertain herself by the pool.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2019 11:26

Your instincts are probably spot on really with the favouritism - not uncommon with elder grandchild. It's very corrosive though so do beware.

Basically this looks like a useful bit of ammunition to just not go there with holidays full stop, and keep making excuses. Although MIL probably does have it right in that one at a time is better, if you think she just won't take DD then do not allow it - it will just be the start of chipping away for more special stuff with just DS and when DD notices, then the rot starts.

And yes I think you were absolutely right to point out the difference - as long as done fairly kindly. In fact that's part of your job as a parent surely? If she does play favourites then do HER a favour and prevent that getting in the way of how they feel about her- as you know them far far better than she ever will. 'We would hate to think that either DD or DS thought that you favoured one of them over the other - we wouldn't want either of them to think that of you...'

springydaff · 04/06/2019 13:00

Your question is the strange thing. She’s the parent of four and seven year-olds - who else would be deciding what they would and wouldn’t allow others to do with them?

It's the phrasing that is odd, practically dictatorial. Allow? It is appropriate when dealing with children but this is inappropriate phrasing, and concept, for an adult. It's offensive.

Of course as parents we exercise clear boundaries around our children. Doesn't mean we turn into stalin to protect them. A bit of humility wouldn't go admiss.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/06/2019 18:45

It's the phrasing that is odd, practically dictatorial. Allow? It is appropriate when dealing with children but this is inappropriate phrasing, and concept, for an adult. It's offensive.

You’re being ridiculous. ‘Dictatorial’? The OP is not telling her mother-in-law that she can’t leave the house or who she can and can’t see. She’s making a decision about who her own children go on holiday with. What parent wouldn’t expect to decide that?

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