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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about husbands drinking habits

15 replies

HowMuchMoreCanITake · 03/06/2019 17:11

Ok feel I need to preface this with some history. My husband had a 2 month affair which I found out about on Christmas eve. He basically had his secret little housecalls to her after being at the pub and not coming home till 2/3am and sometimes not coming home at all.

One of the ground rules I put in place was that I expected him home at the absolute latest on the last bus home from the pub. Doesn't get in till midnight. Another condition was that i expected him to let me know where he was and to keep me updated.

Last night I had to text him at 11:45pm to ask if he was getting a taxi home as the last bus had already been and gone. He phoned me to say yes he would have to get a taxi and that he had only just left the pub and was needing to pick up stuff from his dads (where he is still currently staying)

AIBU to expect him to appreciate the gift I've given him of trying to forgive the affair, and actually make an effort to be responsible? It wouldn't have been hard to leave the pub in time to get his stuff from his dads and still made the bus in time, but he hadn't even left the pub by the time the last bus went past my house!

He said he was having too good a night to leave. I'm seriously thinking he has a major drinking problem or he is just seriously selfish as nothing will ever come in front of him having a good time at the pub! I'm honestly so angry that he is throwing a second chance away all to spend more time in the pub!

I've made it clear I'd rather he left than stay and string me along. I just don5 understand why he insists on still hurting me. I've given him until end of June to snap out of this or it's done, but at this point I don't know if I can do another month of complete crap from him. Me and the kids seem second best to the pub!

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FancyAPint · 03/06/2019 17:43

You know nothing is going to change, even if it did it would soon go back. Time to leave, he doesn't take you seriously clearly. You deserve more and you aren't going to get that from him. Flowers

HowMuchMoreCanITake · 03/06/2019 18:55

FancyAPint...I think I know that, I just can't understand how someone can be so selfish and not just end it themself if they don't want to be in a relationship! I love him, for some reason I still do! If he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to change to what I need to feel secure why can't he just end it. I'm struggling knowing I'm going to have to be the one to call it quits even though I have done everything I can to make it work.

I just don't get people!

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HomeMadeMadness · 03/06/2019 18:58

YANBU. How often does he go to the pub? From your OP he really isn't sounding like a great catch.

LEDadjacent · 03/06/2019 19:00

Are you sure he’s at the pub? Losing track of time makes me wonder.

fc301 · 03/06/2019 19:09

Is he in the pub every night? He sounds like a right prince.

But you can't set 'ground rules'. You're not his mum. He's an adult and should already know how to behave considerately.

HowMuchMoreCanITake · 03/06/2019 19:10

HomeMadeMadness...since I found out about the affair and he moved out it seems to be every night he doesn't have the kids.

I wish I didn't love him anymore. I wish we hadn't of had a nice life together before all of this happened. I wish I could find it easy to just walk away with my boys and start again.

LED - he has been sending me pictures that prove he is in the pub...I crosscheck all the meta data on it to confirm...which again...what the hell has my life been reduced to doing this every night?! But at the same time it only proves for that second he was in the pub. He refuses to let me track his phone, which to be honest until he flat out said no to that after reading a post I hadn't even really considered. So he has to be hiding something right?

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HowMuchMoreCanITake · 03/06/2019 19:40

Reading back that myself I can't continue like this forever more! He hasn't shown proper remorse for his affair. So I'm constantly panicking he's going to do it again!

Pre this affair I would never have considered gps tracking and checking meta data on anything! It's not healthy is it?

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Fannyfanakerpants · 03/06/2019 19:48

No it's not healthy and its exhausting and you really are worth more. I'm lucky that my ex did leave me eventually and I'm now in a relationship where I don't have to worry where he is and with who and it's such a relief. In hindsight, I was a shadow of the person I should have been and not a very nice person who had become so cynical and distrusting of everything.

Ginger1982 · 03/06/2019 19:50

I think I would cut my losses. It sounds too much like hard work.

MatthewBramble · 03/06/2019 19:51

I'm sorry OP but the only person in this relationship is you. He's checked out but it's easier for him to keep the pretence going than to end it.

End it now. It'll hurt like hell but the sooner the pain starts, the sooner it'll be over.

OKBobble · 04/06/2019 05:54

Yes the refusal to let you track as a way to prove himself even for say a 2 week period is a bit of a red flag. If he had nothing to hode and really wanted to help you learn to trust him again he would surely pull out all the stops for that to happen. I suspect he is meeting someone at the pub!

AlaskanOilBaron · 04/06/2019 05:57

You shouldn't be laying the ground rules, really; in those rare cases where the person who cheated is actually contrite and serious about making amends, it comes from their own initiative.

I'd cut my losses.

Sorry.

AlaskanOilBaron · 04/06/2019 05:58

Do you have children with him? Why are you reducing yourself to calling him when he's out and demanding that he comes home?

Trebla · 04/06/2019 07:12

Its over. He is in a relationship with alcohol. There isnt room for you all. He needs to end it for himself. Your attempts will be resented.

HowMuchMoreCanITake · 04/06/2019 22:05

Yes we have two children together, the youngest being only a year old. I think I'm my head I know this is over, that he never really loved me enough to stop being selfish, that he doesn't think what we had was good enough to try and stick around for. I know I can't change him and he needs to want to change himself. I'm just devastated that me and our kids aren't enough for him to want to be a better person.

I'll never understand how we could have caused so much pain, seen me devastated and not even care at all. How can anyone not care about inflicting this much pain on someone and not want to make it better. I don't think I'll ever understand it 😔

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