AIBU to "divorce" my family too?

[SqueakyHalloumi]

NC for this.

How has your divorce / separation impacted your relationship with close family members?

I have come out of an abusive relationship and it seems that whilst my close family were originally supportive, some have now turned into my perpetrators (with ease...). Apparently, according to them, I "choose to play the victim".

Counsellor says this often happens in the triangle of abuse (victim, perpetrator / abuser, rescuer) and that getting out of a toxic relationship dynamic is like coming off addictive drugs - it takes time, and sometimes you fall off the wagon (because of the conditioning we are used to).

Have you had to go NC with close family following the realisation that they, too, subjected you to similar abuse as that within your marriage / relationship?

Am I being unreasonable to say that not only am I having to divorce STBXH, but for the sake of my own MH I may as well also say goodbye to these close family members?

I've visited the Stately Homes board a lot, but I'm just wondering what the impact is of finding out you are sustaining abuse from your own family, particularly AFTER you thought you got rid (STBXH).

Ive had to go non contact with close friends (not so much close family but Ive noy got many anyways).
Ironically non contact from people who work for dv charities. 🤣
It happens. It hurts but you get through it. Good luck OP xx

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I suspect this happens a lot, because the abuser presents as such a likeable person to others despite being so different behind closed doors.

I’m in a similar position but we haven’t yet separated. My mother has defended my husband and bought into his bullshit countless times. She’s even joined him in throwing me under the bus. My dad could very well do the same given some recent realisations I’ve had about him. And despite a friend of mine witnessing his mask slip when he went into a jealous rage about an imaginary affair I was having (I wasn’t) she still thinks it’s “great he cares so much to be jealous, wish my husband did”. She’s a social worker. Like the poster above even those you think would get it don’t. It really hurts.

People don’t get it and they don’t understand how manipulated they are being. Surround yourself with people who will support you for now and let the others disappear into the background for a while. You shouldn’t have to convince them. Ignore them and wait until your separation is complete and you build some strength up before you look at those relationships again.

There are people on your side even when you feel very alone. Even if those people are strangers on MN.

Thank you @Rhiannon87 and @mrsmiyagi19 - the realisation is hard to come to terms with and I didn't want to face it before the absolute end of my divorce but my hand was forced.

The kindness of strangers who have been in similar situations has been absolutely overwhelming and so enlightening. I'm sorry you've been through similar. I did a controlled experiment with my DF recently and it turns out he's not the peacemaker I had really thought he was. Devastating on so many levels.

to you both and thank you for responding.

Have a look at the last few pages of my thread, op.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3575915-I-have-to-leave-him-dont-I?pg=1&order=

I am going through the same thing, and I've really had to toughen up who I talk to at all. It's not my job to train people on DV. It isn't your job, either. If they can't support you, they need to fade to the background while you focus on yourself.

@MeltedEggMum I will have a look at that thank you. It was such a relief to chat to a member of the police force recently, who deals with coercive control. First time I haven't felt like I had to justify myself in a long time. I've got about two, maybe three real life people who really "get" it, the rest are here on MN, my therapist, or in forums specifically aimed at supporting people coming out of these sorts of relationships.

Sometimes I question whether I'm the one who's crazy / controlling / manipulative / the narcissist, because that's what I keep being told by those I thought would support me, but they keep tearing me down.

Christ @MeltedEggMum - it all sounds so similar. The liberation, the empowerment, the freedom (I felt like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon) on the one hand after I got rid of STBXH and then the crushing realisation at times that it ain't over, coupled with the sheer exhaustion of having to fight tooth and nail to "justify" my behaviour or "explain" my actions to others. When discussing with the police person recently I said that sometimes I felt petty and over-sensitive regarding memories of the abuse I was subjected to during my marriage for so many years - I was a SAHM, and a bad wife for never keeping on top of the house work. One day he even said "your household management skills need a lot of work". Thing is he never. Ever. EVER lifted a finger. Ever. Today it's not perfect but his crap - literally which was EVERYWHERE - has gone, which makes it so much more manageable.

I am so sorry about your DM and your SF. I too feel that by crashing out of my marriage I opened up a taboo subject of financial abuse which I believe has been the case with my parents for years. Everything has a price. Even love. And if I withhold love I get nothing from them - they generally showed love by buying expensive gifts. Now I'm not toe-ing the line or conforming, I am no longer being "bought". It's awful. Coupled with the emotional / psychological and violent abuse from my DM (she raised her hand to me last summer) I'm seemingly surrounded and I have had to come to terms with major shifts and transformation in my own family dynamic.

You sound amazingly strong. You really do. It must be so very raw. I'm nearly 2 years separated and divorce is imminent (I hope) - I have good days and I have bad days. There's a couple of groups I've joined which have been amazing, and the support here is too. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

Thank you @SqueakyHalloumi!

It really is hard to face that this won't be over for a long time, if ever. But we can do it. It's too important not to.

I'm so sorry.

Sadly, many people who become involved in abusive relationships do so because that's been their previous experience. It's entirely possible that your family relationships had some measure of abuse and/or control; you simply didn't notice it until now. It's also possible that your decision to do something about your situation is threatening them because they realize that they are treating people the same way, and you are "threatening" their status quo.

Thanks @agnurse - the realisation through extensive therapy (following STBXH treatment during marriage) of the cycle of abuse, and it being so familiar has been really, really tough to come to terms with. Now that I am enlightened, I can see it for what it is - it's been a process and a half to get my head around. Last night true colours were shown yet again. I feel bereft - like I'm grieving but nobody's died.