To ask what consequences you have for unacceptable behaviour and do they work?

[DtPeabodysLoosePants]

I have 2 DD's who do not care if their behaviour results in losing tv time or their tablets. I'm a bit stumped as to what consequences to have in place for behaviour such as telling lies, hitting each other, answering back, insolence, general lack of respect, taking my stuff.

Dd(10) lost her tablet for a few months (SIX!) and she didn't seem fussed although she did keep asking when she'd get it back. She was given very clear information as to why it would be taken away, how long it would be taken for and once she'd lost it for over a week, ways to earn it back.

It gets to the point where they've lost tv, tablets, playing outside time and I've got nothing else to take away.

Yesterday I reinstated everything for a fresh start and told them this and we discussed what classes as unacceptable behaviour so they were clear on everything. Dd (12) has already lost her tablet for 2 days because of her insolence this morning. I despair.

They don't do activities after school here as they do them all at their dad's, so I can't put a stop to those. He does not have any boundaries for behaviour and will not support me in parenting but he's a whole other AIBU. He claims they behave perfectly there but the reality is he's rarely with them as always working and they tell me they get told off by his gf on a regular basis.

What consequences do you have in place and do they work?

Do they get money/treats/outings? I would start there. If I didn’t give them pocket money I would start, and every incident of rudeness would cut into the amount.

Ah yes, they've not had pocket money since February! They have a small list of chores in order to earn their pocket money such as keeping their room reasonably tidy, loading the dishwasher after dinner and wiping the table, work surfaces and sweeping the floor, and making sure all glasses and cups are returned to the kitchen after use. They are not doing any of this and therefore haven't been given pocket money.

We do have regular trips out but I also have a 4yo ds and it's unfair on him to miss out on things if they don't behave. Although I have told them there'll be no more overnight trips now as they can't behave in hotels

I'm going to make a paper set of rewards, consequences, and expectations/chores and stick it on the wall so I can mark off each day and keep a closer eye on things and do they have a visual reminder.

I’d focus on catching them being good and rewarding positives rather than finding increasingly harsh sanctions. I’d think it also depends on the behaviours; two months feels like a very enduring punishment that will undoubtedly have lost its impact.

Maybe make a big rewards jar with nice things on pretty cards and every time you see a positive action they get to lucky dip a reward. It might be they empty the dishwasher without a fuss. They get to pick a reward without sight of what it is - can be tiny, it’s the positive attention that is important. Rewards might be as varied as half hour later to bed on Friday, choosing a film to all watch together, an ice cream, you painting their nails, £1, ordering a pizza for supper and choosing toppings, an outing at the weekend etc.

I also think it might feel like you do all the unpleasant stuff and nagging with no joy and their father is ever indulgent and provides activities. Maybe think about changing that a little. You won’t be able to make him hold fast to your rules but you could do activities with or for them. Nice family regular things. It doesn’t have to be Olympic sports, it can just be something where they feel you’ve put yourself out for them in a good way rather than them just feeling a resentment.

That's a good idea about the jar, thank you and I have the perfect jar for it so willbro that today. I do praise them when praise is due and compliment them daily on their good behaviour and achievements. I'm not all nag and negativity.

We go out somewhere every weekend they are with me and have a movie night at the weekends too in addition to trips away overnight to the seaside. So they do get lots of good stuff. Unfortunately I get to deal with all the daily school stuff and having to be ready on time and feed them a varied diet whereas dad has none of that. He sees them EOW and after school one day a week where he farms them out to activities so he's not actually spending time with them except in the car. This is a huge source of upset with them but he won't change, we've tried for years. He doesn't even eat with them at dinner. It's sad.

Honestly? I think the fact that your 12 year old can’t behave in a hotel warrants putting an end to the fun activities for a while. That’s why removing the tablet isn’t working and they don’t care about pocket money - they’re having a good time either way.

It isn't fair that my ds should miss out though because of their behaviour. I could just take him places when they are at their dad's but it's not the same for him not having his siblings to play with.

I've got my jar ready to go and have got a selection of rewards. We start tomorrow.

Dd(10) has been lovely today. They all behave so much better when on their own. The girls get the sillies and become impossible.

New reward system has been explained and they have all contributed to what the rewards are. They are excited for the rewards so here's hoping it works!

In your shoes, I would far rather my DS miss out temporarily than that he had to tolerate poorly behaved siblings and the resulting conflict for the rest of his life. It’s not fair - true. But family life sometimes isn’t fair.