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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Trouble with step son

16 replies

Whenitallgetstoomuch · 03/06/2019 07:52

My step son is 19. We have a generally good relationship but recently his attitude has deteriorated. His dad relates this to “when he has a girlfriend”, as he’s tired and grumpy when not with her. It’s happened before and he is more pleasant to be around when he’s single.

My problem is he’s 19 but very immature.
When he comes over he is very demanding,
Usually telling me he doesn’t like what I’m making for dinner, he leaves the toilet unflushed and god help us if we disturb him from his xbox (these are just some examples, there are many more). He has a stinking attitude and shouts at me.

His father is typical Disney dad. Doesn’t want to rock the boat and thinks he’s perfection, despite being around the last time he shouted at me.

He visits EOW and two nights during the week as per the “child contact plan”, so here’s my AIBU? I totally agree he needs/wants to see his dad, but as they see each other regularly in a social sense, surely his “child contact visits” can be phased out?

OP posts:

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 11:15

Oh dear. I sucked air in through my teeth reading this.
You can't interfere in relationship between your DSS and his Dad, whether he's an adult or not.

You can deal with the lack of respect to you in your home including no shouting. I don't know name of it by friend told me recently there is an app for WiFi that you can install, where you can selectively (& temporarily) disconnect individual items (eg phone/Xbox) from house WiFi - Save it for serious incidents such as outrageous shouting at you or DH (DH will need to agree to this plan)

But DSS is young still and behaving teenage badly. Same as us DPs have to deal with, not just DSMs, with DC/grown DC. Conflating that with DSS not being a minor anymore now so no child contact/staying over, isn't really a great route to go down imo.
Hopefully DSS will grow out of it soon. Is he working or at uni?

TixieLix · 03/06/2019 11:27

Well, as the old MN mantra goes, you not only have a DSS problem, you have a much bigger DH (DP?) problem. If your OH is allowing your DSS to treat you in this manner, then he'll keep on doing it as he's not being challenged on his attitude or taught respect. You need to sit down with your OH and calmly tell him you are not prepared to be disrespected by him or his son.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 11:30

OP I don't mean to play down how annoying and upsetting having a DSS behave like that, but they are not deal breakers really, what you've said is not that unusual rude obnoxious, thoughtless teenage behaviour. Not good, but not that rare, I bet he does worse for his DM.

I have 3DC and at anyone time they can be doing this, (+add in leaving taps running, taking their DSis's milkshake, playing music too loud, arguing loudly that it's not their washing up left (it is), shouting in my face, spitting dinner out as it has onions in (it does not 😆), ..... and my DC live 24/7 with me.
I wish there was a magic button to get them to always behave as beautifully and kindly as they do at other times.

So in all
-he doesn’t like what I’m making for dinner

he leaves the toilet unflushed

-and god help us if we disturb him from his xbox (Or tablet) - He has a stinking attitude and shouts at me. Maybe others can make suggestions on how to deal with individual difficult things. (As my methods work for my DC sometimes and are sometimes ineffective) ..

Original poster

Whenitallgetstoomuch · 03/06/2019 14:43

Thanks, the list I gave was in no way complete, it was just a few small examples. I’m sure he does a lot worse for his DM but he is biologically hers and therefore she will have a lot more tolerance.

DH is very tolerant of SS (sorry I can’t bring myself to call him DSS) bad behaviour which causes its own problems, but at 19 I’m pretty sure SS is more than capable of behaving better without having to be told.

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 03/06/2019 14:46

What do you mean by phasing out the child contact arrangement?

You don’t want him around? That’s not fair.

Shouting at you etc is obviously completely unacceptable and I agree that a 19 year old sticking rigidly to a contact order is madness but the goal shouldn’t be hoping he stops coming to stay!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/06/2019 14:47

That is your house!
If the intolerable brat disrespects you when you interrupt his Xbox you walk over to the wall and unplug it!

If he doesn't like what you make point to his legs and tell him to use them to go and find his own food.

Call him out on his terrible attitude. Ask him why her thinks it's appropriately be so rude?!

I would stop doing anything for him. He's an adult now. Stop cooking, cleaning helping in any way. He should be an equally contributing member of your home.

Also I'd sit DH down and say the shit behaviour and attitude ends here.
And yes if he doesn't respect you he shouldn't be allowed to keep coming into your house.
He's not a child. If he doesn't like it he can get his own place.

VeryQuaintIrene · 03/06/2019 14:48

He's 19. Do you really need to be making dinner and attending to his every need? Could you find an evening class/new and compelling hobby and leave husband and stepson to a nice bit of father/son bonding time?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 03/06/2019 14:54

I wouldn't have him in my house if he's going to behave like that.

ClarkeMurphy · 03/06/2019 14:58

Your SS will keep treating you like this as long as your DP allows it. I wouldn't be shouted at by anyone in my own home and I don't think that is a bad place to start drawing lines. If he is incapable of dealing with his own son he needs to back you up over serious things like this.

I wouldn't suggest to DP that you think they should phase out contact time tho - that just backs him in to a corner and it is quite unfair to make him choose between you and his son. No matter how old SS gets, he is still your partner's son.

herculepoirot2 · 03/06/2019 15:02

At 19 he is an adult man, shouting at a woman. It’s completely inappropriate and I wouldn’t have him in my home until he showed respect. If my partner did not support me we would get divorced.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 15:03

I understand OP, but equally so will his biological Dad as you put it have same 'tolerance'. What DH shouldn't be doing is leaving you to do is to take the brunt of it.

It's part of teenagers growing up and of course they need boundaries, so absolutely bring it up with his Dad /your DH and say I can't live like this if he is shouting at me and so awful sometimes, as DH you need to 'have a word'.

If DSs is still coming ala child contact then it's because he wants to and I wouldn't mess with that as
SM .

Please just bear in mind that he's not a fully formed rounded adult yet and all DCs or DSCs can be PITAs sometimes. There no magic button that suddenly makes them mature as they cross threshold into 18 year adult bit.

Do you have an amicable relationship with his DM? Can you all get your heads together to talk about how disrespectful he can be sometimes in both your houses and plan how to deal with it together as a united front?

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 15:07

Btw. Shouting disrespectfully by an adult at another adult isn't ok. But families do that sometimes. So it takes a family response and your DH really needs to step up.

LazyLizzy · 03/06/2019 15:12

He has a stinking attitude and shouts at me.

I wouldn't take this off my own kid, never mind somebody else's.

If your 'D'P won't discipline him, then you'll have to.

He's 19, tell his dad to meet him in the pub, you won't be spoken to like that in your own home.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 03/06/2019 15:17

Tell your DH that he needs to step up and that SS will NOT be welcome in your home unless he has an attitude shift. They can meet up elsewhere. He's an adult not a kid, no need to have him in your house at all.

Original poster

Whenitallgetstoomuch · 03/06/2019 15:27

Thanks everyone, it’s nice to hear I’m not totally BU. He’s not horrible all of the time, but like the old saying goes when it’s bad it’s bad. We’re just going through a bad phase.

I wish DH would stand up a bit more, if I raise the subject he changes it immediately. I think he knows his son shouldn’t be behaving this way but doesn’t want to face it. In all other ways we have a very happy home, supporting each other. Any tips on how to raise it calmly and constructively with DH?

When I say phase out the visits I mean the structured set nights and EOW, he’d be welcome to stay (if he can behave properly) perhaps on a more adult basis?

OP posts:

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 17:23

It's good OP that you've had some slightly different perspectives. As that may help you understand where DH is coming from . But you are quite right to raise it with your DH.
I wouldn't think about phasing out contact stays as regardless of what name you use for it, it's time that Son spends with his Dad. As long as it IS with his dad and not just at Dad's house when Dad is absent /away and DSS gets demanding and rude to you....

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