Aibu to wonder this about emotional abusers

[Hp737]

I have a history of EA relationships and just started counselling so I’m thinking a lot of stuff through. Do you think that emotionally abusive partners mean to be EA? Can they be on some level a good person and not want/mean to hurt you but are also unable to help it because it’s just what they know/have learned/who they are? Can they genuinely think they are actually not being abusive, or that they are misunderstood or in the right?
Unlike physical violence it seems easy to twist the “he said/she said” of emotional abuse to make it out like it’s the victims fault, etc, or gaslight them. My abuser said that he “never means to be nasty” and it was all in my interpretation.

Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That?” is often recommended on here and covers this.

And yes, I think they do, there are pay-offs for them. They usually don’t behave like this to others, it’s a choice.

My EA ex used to be genuinely sorry after an abusive episode and apologise sincerely, sometimes in tears, said he never meant to hurt me and didn’t know why he said the things he did.
I realise now I was a verbal punch bag for all the hurt that was in his life and in his past as is his DM, I’ve heard him shout abuse at her until she was sobbing hysterically and unable to talk, she would always justify his behaviour by saying he had trouble with his emotions. Bollocks, he was abusive to the women who loved him the most.
He was never abusive to men though, funny that.
Yes, they know they are verbally abusive but I think some might be unaware that they are behaving manipulatively, subtlety controlling you and actually believing they have your best interests at heart.
I don’t believe and abuser can ever change, only wear a mask that conceals the poison inside of them.
I now see my ex as a person to be pitied, he will always be in mental turmoil and never happy.

I think I grapple with that, too.

The Bancroft book is really helpful.

Agree with Loopytiles - I bet you will say that a) he isn't like it to other people and b) he isn't like it in front of other people (not strictly true in my case, but he could definitely turn it off if he chose).

But yes - unlike physical abuse it is harder to establish concretely.

It depends how self aware the abuser is. My DM was in total denial that her bitterness about being adopted (to a mother who wasn't great at nurture & affection) turned into her EA of me. Once my Dad passed it was far more openly hostile. She had 2 unprovoked episodes of sheer hysteria where she made it clear what her real thoughts on me were, one with her standing over me while I packed to leave : screaming insults, clenched fists, stamping her feet, turning purple etc while I said nothing, in shock. (I've always found confrontation of any kind terrifying). We've been NC ever since.

I think people who have come from abusive families can learn so young that they aren't really aware of it to get their strikes in first.

There are some people who genuinely do not understand how to have a healthy relationship but they will stop and listen to their partner when they are told that what they are doing is hurtful.

My father always said that he loved me so much that he thought I was perfect then I would fall below that standard like any normal human being. His skewed thoughts on weight certainly came from his anorexic mother though.

I would also draw a line between people who are hurtful and people who are abusive. Abuse occurs where there is s power imbalance. Physically it is quite easy to spot where thestronger spouse hits the weaker who can’t hit back. Emotionally the power imbalance arises when one person is emotionally dependent on the other and needs constant positive reassurance from their partner to keep up their self esteem and for that reason cannot leave or defend themselves (for fear of loosing the relationship and the validation altogether). A lot of people say hurtful things when they loose their temper, it only becomes abuse when they do it because they know (or think) that they can do it without any repercussions.

I was a single parent and a lot of the power my abuser had was in emotionally abusing me around/in front of my child or demanding more control than I was comfortable where my child was concerned. This was also what made me get out, but it made it so hard for me to react “normally” as child was often there

Bogglesgoggles I would disagree with your analysis. You're basically saying it's the victim's fault. It's not.
The abuser creates the power imbalance, because that's what they want, power and control.

My ex was like this. He knew he was like this - he admitted it to me that this was how he'd been in previous relationships, and I confronted him in counselling about him treating me like this. The long and the short of it was that he didn't really seem to care enough. He knew what he was doing was wrong, and he only ever shrugged it off with a muttered "I didn't mean it".

Ultimately, his needs - his need to control his world, to make sure his partner didn't leave him, to be the 'big man', to be right all the time over everything - overrode his underlying decency. I understand why he was like that, the things that had happened in his life that made him 'need' those behaviours to create some sort of security and comfort, however false. But that didn't make his behaviour right or acceptable, and now I am free from him I pity him for the person he is.