Couldn't go to the park because I thought someone would have broken in when I got home

[username9071]

Okay, this might be long, I'm not even sure how to put it into words and never felt like this before.

For background, my home is my little haven for me and DS. I'm the least sensitive/dramatic person you could meet and I'd count myself as really emotionally tough.

Split with exDP (DS's dad) a few months ago. When ex found out there was someone else on the scene (by hiding round the corner of my house), he came in and basically treated my home like shit - getting aggressive and screaming at me (but laughing because I'd flinch and he'd say 'grow up, don't act like I'm going to hit you!'), he spat on my floor, smashed things, threw things, threw chairs, basically refused to leave until I had to leave (in my pyjamas), and hide and wait until he'd left.

In the week after that I was a bit shaken up and on edge in my home but I felt like I got over it and my home went back to normal for us.

Things haven't been easy since then. There's been no more aggression and he hasn't tried anything like that but he does make constant comments and puts me down and I feel like I've lost all my emotional strength and the person I was.

And then, over the past couple of weeks, I feel like I've just been living in fear, I can't figure out why it's got so bad so long after that happened when there wasn't any violence involved and no incidents since. I feel like I'm being dramatic but I can't shake it.
It started last weekend properly, ex had DS for a night and I'd gone to see my friend and then visit DM. I got a really bad feeling about going home but tried to tell myself I was being ridiculous but got so anxious and fearful and could clearly imagine someone being in my house that- for the first time since moving out - I had to stay at my DM's. I was so panicked going home even the next morning, my heart was thudding and I checked under all beds etc before even slightly relaxing.
I've been having weird dreams all week where I wake up sweating and terrified where all the lights go off and I'm frantic trying to find DS and then someone pops up in the dark and grips me and ones where ex attacks me etc etc, they're clearly contributing to the fear.
And then today, just after 6pm, I started getting ready with DS to go to the park as the weather finally brightened up and we needed to nip to the shop and I just couldn't, I just kept getting visions that someone would be in my home and I wouldn't be safe when I got back, to the point where I just had to scrap it and stay home because at least I know I'm safe and no ones in here now because I've been here all day.
I flinch when I hear noises outside, I keep thinking I can hear someone get into my front door.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I've never felt like this. This is so unlike me it's unbelievable and I can't figure out what's causing it so bad and certainly can't figure out how to make it stop when it only seems to be getting worse. I feel like I can't talk to anyone because I feel like I sound completely dramatic and over sensitive and quite frankly, pathetic.

I would suggest you see your doctor, it sounds like anxiety and the doctor can give you CBT or talking therapy for this. I had some OCD tendencies and anxiety after I was burgled. I hated staying out, I’d come home from nights out becaue I thought I’d left a window open / the oven on, and I always get in the car when leaving for work and have to come back in to check the hair straighteners are turned off - on the rare occasion I convinced myself not to check (because I’d never ever left them on) I would be at work all day imagining my house burning down. A traumatic event can set things like this off and I would suggest at least speaking to the doctor to see what they can offer before it gets a chance to escalate.

@Lotts123 thanks for your reply!! I'll definitely try.

Anyone else?

Sounds a bit like PTSD. It can be delayed. I’d definitely seek out some help.

I also agree you are suffering from some level of anxiety and a course of CBT should help you to cope and hopefully reprogram your reactions.

Have a look at this book form some perspective : Finding hope in the age of Anxiety by Claire Hayes

It sounds like a pretty traumatic event. He was not invited into your house so it stands to reason that you carry a fear of being broken into.
As Lotts said, I would suggest seeing your GP as anxiety isn’t fun to live with but this particular anxiety will impact your life quite severely if left untreated and it grows.
for you

Report him to the police for the damage done to property

You are reacting to a traumatic event. It’s a perfectly normal reaction.

From a practical perspective, did you change the locks after your ex moved out? If not, you should.

From an emotional perspective, you would definitely benefit from therapy, but that can take time to even get started. Medication can help and your GP is generally a sooner appointment. I also find meditation helps. It’s cheesy, but laying down for 10 minutes and listening to soothing music and focusing on relaxing your muscles can help keep an anxiety episode from growing.

I’d agree about seeing GP but I’d also suggest you give someone a ring when you feel overwhelmed. I understand if you don’t want to involve friends or family but you could call the Samaritans- I think it’s important you speak your mind and not just let it run round in your head.
I really think you also need to do something a bit more drastic and speak to the police about your ex’s actions. From an outside perspective, this situation isn’t going to improve while you still feel powerless. His insistence that he isn’t going to hit you feels like a huge red flag - does he mean ever or just not this time. Also, if he does anything anything else in the future, he won’t be able to claim it was spur of the moment because they’ll have a record.
Your home is your haven but it’s also your sons haven. You both need to feel safe.

OP, you poor thing.
Why do you write there wasn't any violence?
From what you wrote that was a very violent incident with in your home.

I have never experienced anything like that but would imagine it would be terrifying.

I definitely think it needs to be reported.
Both to the police and Woman's Aid, without delay.
Also, I agree with other posters that you should see you GP.

You need to mind yourself.

I can sympathise with you entirely.

I don't want to make things worse, but is there a possibility you're picking up on subtle signs that the house has been interfered with?

I started feeling unnerved a while ago and started making certain all the windows were locked rather than just shut, the door was double locked at all times. It was only when I came home to find somebody had attempted to smash the front door lock and force the windows that I put together all the little things - a tiny scratch on the doorframe, a chip in the chrome of the keyhole, a smudge on a windowframe the windowcleaner had only done a couple of days previously, my bins in a slightly different place and a few times of waking up, having dreamed that somebody had kicked the door - and I realised they'd been there more than once.

They tried the next door neighbour's Friday instead.

I know it's a pain in the arse, but if you can afford it, I'd get a proper locksmith in to make sure you have antisnap cylinders if you currently have standard ones and generally upgrade all your security.

It's also possible that your ex is doing things like banging on your door or window at night. Some can be cunts like that. It's a way to frighten and distress you/convince you you're going mad without actually committing an obvious offence (I think you should still report him anyway for what he has already done).

If you can afford it, a camera could be useful for giving you peace of mind or evidence - I'll be getting one as soon as I have the money for it.

That sounds awful, I am sorry you experienced that.

Please report to the Police and call Womens Aid, the police can do some keep safe stuff if you ask them. Also see if you can talk to a specialised counsellor who works with the aftermath of crime, they should have contacts.

Practically, also change your locks, add on an extra yale lock and chain if you are able to.

Speak to your GP, there are medications such as propanalol which remove the physical sensations of anxiety and if you take them whilst you are feeling the fear response it can help reduce the reinforcement of the fear. There are studies done on individuals with phobias that shows interesting promise.

Whilst he wasn't physical it is a trauma, and it may take a long time to get over.

Take a look at mindfulness, it might sound trite but it can really help, mainly for noticing the present and accepting that some thoughts are simply symptoms of mental health the same way you feel pain in an injury.

Be kind to yourself, it will get easier

It sounds like a serious domestic violence incident particularly if you have a child. Was your son there at the time?

Please report to the police to see what they can suggest to keep you safe.

Also go to the GP and/or a women's DV charity to get a referral for trauma counselling.

And definitely get the locks changed too if you haven't, I think some charities will pay to help you with that if needed?

you are very brave, that would terrify me, I'm like you as my home with my son is my sanctuary too.

That sounds horrific. I think you should call your local police station and ask to talk to someone in the domestic violence unit. They will be very kind and understanding and will be well used to this kind of man.

Can you afford to get some security for your house?

I agree with so much that has been said. It may not have been physical, but it was violent and it was a violation of your home.

Get whatever support you can, and be kind to yourself. Rather than describing yourself and dramatic, oversensitive or pathetic, tell yourself that this is an understandable reaction to what happened. It might help to stop the fear from growing.

Good Luck x

Sounds like anxiety to me. Your brain is probably overwhelmed - somewhere in the background all the cogs are whirring as it processes the incident with your Ex and it's just realised that you weren't safe in the one place that's meant to be safe and it's flipped out!

When I'm stressed, sometimes my anxiety will flare up and I'll start having irrational thoughts, fears and nightmares. Ive recognised it as my brain's way of telling me that I need to stop, slow down and do a bit of self care.

Your brain might reprogram itself when it realises you're safe again. But it might be worth seeing the GP if you feel it isn't able to.

In the meantime, what about taking steps to improve security? To help reinforce that you're safe?

I'd start with a little security camera from amazon for around £35-40. Get one that connects to the WiFi and an app on your phone. Place it strategically and then if somebody enters your property it will send an alert to your phone! You could call the police straight away. My mum has one and literally uses it to watch her property/driveway/door when she's staying away from home.

What about those shop-style alarms beeping on doors when people open them? My mum has one on her front door that goes "Dee-Der" if anybody opens the door.

A personal/rape alarm that you wear around your neck might be a good day idea too. If you did get home to an intruder, you could pull the pin to see the alarm necklace off and it could be enough to scare the intruder off or at the very least, alert neighbours.

Night lights. I have them across my house! A couple of quid on amazon. They turn themselves on at night and light up the hallway/etc. I love them (I'm a bit of a scardy cat with the dark) I have a pink one on my bedroom haha.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon x