To take time off work (long post)

[Yellowskies1988]

I'm exhausted, alot in my life has caught up with me over the past few years.

I'm Almost 30.
Been with my wife since 18.
She has a terminal illness (HD) that I knew about as we met she never kept it a secret.
Her mum and my mum died within 4 months of each other, her mums through her illness, my mum unexpected from swine flu, she was 45 I was 22.
Since then I've gotten married and 2 boys. The oldest is autistic (I'm sure he has his mum's HD gene but thats another story)

He's having so many meltdowns latley, he is 6 years old and goes to special school. Going shopping is getting very hard as we try to be normal with them both but he is always unsettled everywhere we go, he wants to be at home all the time. We went to the zoo over half term and he screamed all the way around i feel awful for his younger brother he is pulled from pillar to post with his mood swings.

Anyway I feel so bad that my mum never asked to die she and she has been gone 9 years now and it kills me to be honest I'm shattered from not really having anybody around to share my troubles with aside from my sister but she lives away. I've got my grandparents on my mums side who are like parents to me. My dad and my wife's dad are both pathetic people. My grandad has cancer and showing signs of undiagnosed dementia. I'm not getting any holiday requests accepted at work even odd days. I don't really fit with the "In" crowd. It's only factory production, I don't have a senior roll but it's a responsible one. I can't see myself progressing any higher and to be honest when my youngest son starts school in September I'm going to get a better job and not shift work.

I just really need a break at the minute and some time with just my wife around school and Pre school because we don't have anybody to have the kids really. is having a week off sick just selfish really? I've never been off work for anything I have a good attendance record. Their is atleast a 3 week wait for any sign of a day off. I'm crying out for a little respite.

Every morning last week I sat on my sofa not wanting to move and I can't do it any more.

Im due in at 6am tomorrow but if I say I'm going the doctors their is no guarantee of an appointment. I'm a nervous wreck, I've got so much pressure on me and I'm not coping. I know it's OK not to cope but my mental health needs addressing. I went to councilling last year but it wasn't how I Imagined it to be

Definitely stay off work, you can self certify for 7 days then GP will give you longer. You have so much to deal with and you need to take care of yourself.

Do it. Your health is suffering massively so it's completely true, you sound like you're at breaking point. Your mental health must come first.

You poor thing, you sound completely run down.

You're not bu for wanting to take time off, in fact it sounds like you need it. If you struggle on you could end up in an even worse situation mentally. I would phone your GP first thing and ask for an emergency appointment but if if you can't see your GP, could they give you a sick line based on a phone call, I know my GP does? Then you could discuss options once you get an appointment.

Oh and therapy doesn't work for everyone and not every therapist is suitable for everyone, so don't give up based on one experience.

Can you be at the Dr's before it opens? We can never get appts over the phone at our Dr's but if we are waiting when they open you can get a same say appt.

Phone in sick, wait at the Dr's, get signed off. It sounds like anyone would be on their knees with stress in your situation.

Do you know about your entitlement to parental leave? You're entitled to 18 weeks unpaid leave, in week blocks, per child before they're 18. You can take up to 4 weeks per year and they can't refuse. They can however reschedule to another time within 6 months if it's related to business needs. It's for having a better balance of time for your family, not the same thing as dependants leave for hospital appts or similar.

Maybe a 'threat' of not being able to take your holiday allowance so you'll just have to put in a parental leave request to see your kids (perhaps via hr when you ask for the relevant forms?) might give your boss a kick in the arse?

I'm from a manufacturing background, I know what it can be like where you've got team leaders who haven't got a clue about the rules and regs being dictators in their little fiefdom. I once heard one stating that someone on long term sick couldn't earn holiday allowance because 'they didn't like it'. Luckily hr put them straight.

HR are there to protect the company from falling foul of the law - if you're being denied your statutory holiday they'll be interested in stopping that happening.

Also if you're your wife's carer / you need time off because she or your DS are disabled they could be falling foul of disability discrimination laws.

I would speak to your gp about counselling. Also look up the charity, cruse bereavement counselling

You can self-certify for a week. I would call in sick for the week, knowing you can self-certify, then you can try to get a GP appointment within the next week, there’s less pressure to get one that day. I wonder if you should be asking for some talking therapy to discuss what you’re dealing with.

Re the shopping - please consider shopping online! I have ASD. I find supermarkets really stressful - they’re noisy, bright, echoey, overstimulating! I get a subscription to an online service, I sit down with DH weekly and we meal plan, then shop accordingly. I also have a list of regular items we buy to prompt me. We only pay £3 a month so as long as we use it once it’s worth having. I usually book the shops to come for times when DD (6yo) is in bed or at school. It’s one thing to ‘normalise’ experience but sometimes there’s only so much that people with disabilities can cope with. This is one where I simply chose to minimise stress for myself.

Thanks for the advice guys. Been meaning to post all day but not sure of any response I would get.

RE: parental leave because my son is autistic I'm sure I can take days at a time not weeks but I've never looked into it... How much notice I would need to give for time off in advance etc.

My wife agrees with me that she is showing onset of her illness, trouble swallowing, gripping things, we have got through alot of crockery this year... Her memory isn't amazing she is "keeping it together" she has somebody coming out this week from the DWP about PIP. Due to her illness I am my sons carer although I don't really know what that means as he gets DLA so I finance that into an account for him but because I work 39.5 hours a week I Dont know if I would be entitled to carers allowance for him as I'm out of the house and he is at special school 9:00-15:15 in the week

Things have just all hit me at once I'm really at the lowest I've been to be honest. It just feels like I'm struggling to breath sometimes and everything is closing in its a horrible feeling.

I've worked in the same place for 6 years now my attendance is good. It's just getting to a point where a little financial loss for the week would probably be positive for my long term health

Just wanted to say you really need a break, before you break.

Please take some time to spend with your wife, and a little bit of time on your own (long walks are great for clearing the mind).

See your GP, talk about how you are feeling.

I am so sorry you are going though this, you are doing fantastically well, everyone needs a rest every so often.

Hi

I'm sorry to hear about your wife and your bereavement you are trying to deal with an awful lot and you need a break.

My dad has HD so I understand the worry you and your wife will be going through.

Please see your GP I'm sure they would sign you off for a period.

Do you think work would be understanding if you talk to them, is there a HR dept or anything.
X

Also have you tried contacting the HDA to see if they have any support in your area. They are very overstretched but they have advisors you ca talk to.

I'm in Lancashire and we have a support group that meets every couple of months which is good to meet people going through the same thing.

You need a break. If you keep trying to carry a mountain on your shoulders, you'll start suffering from a whole range of symptoms 5hat will much harder to cope with.

There is no shame in being off with stress when you deal with as much as you do. Take care of yourself and I hope things get better for you and your family.

Carers' Allowance is paid if you spend 35 hours a week caring - it doesn't have to be during the day, it's perfectly reasonable to accumulate those hours between 3.15 and 9.00am and all weekend - especially as you are also caring for your wife (if she receives PIP, you won't get a double payment of CA, but you'll meet the caring requirements easily). You'd also be able to use both PIP/DLA payments for funding things that make caring possible - clothes, replacement crockery, unbreakable cups, a car - whatever makes your and their life better. Even opting to live off the DLA/PIP and CA, etc, is perfectly reasonable, because they both need care.

Go to the GP. Get signed off. What you need is completely reasonable.

Also look into getting a Carer's Assessment from your local council. You have a right for your needs to be assessed as well as theirs - they might be able to provide equipment or another source of funding to use through individual budgets, respite care, additional clubs or support for your DS and access to support and activities for your youngest throughout his childhood.

And counselling might not be right for you. Google IAPT + your area as well as Carers' Services. You can usually self refer and they could provide support for dealing with disability, illnesses, bereavement and generally all the shit that's been flung your way.

The HD charity website may also be able to help.

I'm so sorry about what you have to deal with. It's fine to say it's too much and something has to give before it's you that does.

Not much help for a bloke, but MN don't really provide anything else useful in their emojis -

Thanks again to everybody who has added something to this thread. My wife goes to a center every few months its comforting to know we're not the only ones in our situation, HD is horrible and not in the public eye where it should be. Its so frustrating how it can terrorise somebody but when I say about my wife having it I normally have to explain what it is and that's hard to do. I think I'll take the week off and get the doctors ASAP, even if I get an appointment with the practitioner they can get a doctor if needed I think.

I actually think that it's important that you take a break. You need it for your health.

May I suggest that while you're off you look into local support groups - for autism and huntingtons and anything else out there. Although you're not under the health visiting service, contact them and ask them to sign post you to any support. Speak to CAB and carers allowance too. Try to use the time to rest but also to make your lives easier when you go back to work.

I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time.

You really need a break...take it