To think my judgment is off?

[Ohgodherewegooo]

NCd for this one. Broke up with my fiancé a couple of weeks ago, after a few arguments and he decided that it was either my career or him. I picked my career, and he seemed a bit shocked by this. Ever since, he gets in contact every day with a new issue.

First, it was wanting to check I’m alright. I tried to ignore, them he started to call and I messaged him saying “I’m fine, we don’t need to talk about this anymore.” He continued, and asked if I ever really thought we would have worked with my job. I ignored, and he responded again with “sorry I don’t know why I’m doing this.”

He then asked for gifts I’d bought him to be sent to him directly, and I didn’t reply. He then said I’d probably want the money and I’m easily bought. He finished off by saying he’d pay me for the time I had spent with him the last few years. It made me feel like he sees me as cheap, whereas this is a man I loved and wanted, at some point, to spend my life with.

Then it was wanting to arrange our personal items between us. He was reassuring me he will take care of the costs etc, and tried to pressure me into taking things before I move (moving to a new country for work) and then move them myself. The items are in OUR apartment, not just his space.

Now, he’s got a bacterial infection on his prostate and messaged me saying that it was probably because I bled the last time we had sex (common for me, as I’m quite small ). He said my blood is dirty and carries bacteria, and I need to go get checked. I’m 99% sure this is rubbish, but have booked a gynecologist appointment and done an STI test just in case. I have always regularly done tests, part of a health check we do quarterly at work. He reminded me not to have sexual contact with anyone. A year ago I had a miscarriage due to being unknowingly sensitized Rhesus negative. I went to therapy because I felt guilt that I’d hurt our baby, but he seemed supportive at the time. So now to be told my blood is dirty seems particularly painful.

The thing is, I always thought he was quite a nice guy. Everyone likes him. I loved him. Now I feel incredibly hurt, and like I can’t trust my judgement of people, something I’ve always felt quite good at. AIBU to think that I should’ve known he wasn’t the nicest? Or is that just hindsight? I can’t block him as we have to arrange to de tangle our lives, but I wanted to do that with a modicum of dignity. How can I prevent me falling for this type of person again?

There's nothing wrong with your judgement, you just had the misfortune to start a relationship with an arsehole who hid his true colours from you.

You're moving to a new country which will cut down the contact, but in the meantime I would block him from being in touch and not respond to anything. His whole "you're dirty, you're cheap, you're at fault" thing is designed to make you feel as shitty as he does, and you need to block it from your mind wherever you can. He's doing it to cause maximum hurt and there's nothing more punishing to someone like him than to be ignored. Let him fester with his filthy prostate, and continue moving forwards.

Quite obvious what is happening here.

He expected you would, without doubt, choose him over anything else. You didn’t, you left him and now he is shocked, bitter and angry. He is trying his upmost to hurt you and to gain your attention so is saying whatever he can think of to achieve this.

Since you have absolutely no ties, I would box his belongings up and drop them at his work or wherever he is currently living. I’d then block his number/social media/email addresses etc and move on with your life.

He’s a dick! Block him on your phone and social media and move on. The more you engage the more he’ll message you and that’s the last thing you need.

I’d say your judgment is spot on, he’s just proving you clearly made the right choice in response to his ultimatum. Each twatty thing he says or does just reinforces your decision!

It’s not you. Some people are just really good at hiding their true colours.

Congratulations on dodging that particular bullet.

He's a knob. I would open a new email account, give him the address and tell him that further communications about splitting assets/paying off final bills etc must come through there only, and that you won't be responding to emails on any other subjects. Then block him from calling/texting/contacting you on SM. When everything is finalised, delete that account and he's gone.

Sounds like you blindsided him when you broke up with him and rather than be an adult and accept it, he’s trying to either niggle his way back in or doubt yourself and chip away at your confidence. Your blood isn’t dirty, your job is important to you and you can have sexual contact with whoever you want now. Ignore him, maybe even block, and get on with your life - you’re much better off without him!

He reminded me not to have sexual contact with anyone.

Of course he did. And the Most Transparent Prick of the Day award goes to...

Was that your first pregnancy OP? If so I doubt your blood type would have caused the miscarriage as pregnancy is only affected on additional pregnancies (I have rh- blood).
He sounds like a nasty piece of work, you’re well rid!
Is his name Draco Malfoy? Only time I have heard dirty blood being used as an insult

Looks like you were lucky to get out when you did. Ignore him except for important home related issues.

He's pissed off you made the 'wrong choice' (in his eyes) and wants to punish you for it

I am rhesus negative and lost my first dc due to it I was told...
You have dodged a bullet with him op.

Urgh. Good call choosing your career. He's using some seriously below the belt tactics to ensure you don't forget him. If he's never previously shown this side of himself before it's not a fault with your judgement.

I'm not sure I understand who still lives in the flat you shared but get the remaining belongings sorted as soon as you can and as pp says, open a new email account for any remaining admin and block him on all other channels. Let him know you wont be reading any other correspondence so he should keep emails regarding Bills, belongings etc to the point.

I can see him dragging his heels over any monies owed to keep this rumbling on (bitter experience) so depending on how you are fixed for money, if you find yourself chasing him for final bill payments I would think seriously about cutting your losses and just absorbing these if it comes to that and you are able to do so.

If her blood was already sensitised then OP must have either been pregnant before or otherwise exposed to Rh+ blood. I think in rare cases the antibodies can develop quickly enough to affect a first pregnancy but that’s rare.

So sorry for your loss OP.

Thanks for all your responses, I am glad I left - but I just worry that I’ll get together with someone like this again because I didn’t notice any indication he would behave like this.

@thetrollfairy yes, I’d had a late miscarriage previously after a work accident, bit outing but we live in a country where unmarried women can’t get maternity or gynecological care, and I didn’t realize I had rh- blood or even what that was. I felt like I had murdered my baby, and after his last comment, I feel a bit like he still thinks that. I loved him and respected him, and him supporting me through those emotions was so powerful at the time. Now, I feel like it was a lie.

Alot of men are complete bastards if they don't get what they want.

Not all men of course.

You made the right choice. i'd keep telling him that in response.

'Thanks for another reminder that I made the right choice. '

Don't let him get to you, that's what he wants.

You shouldn't routinely be bleeding having sex with him though, no matter how small you are.

well he's a gent eh?

The Freedom Programme can help you learn to spot early warning signs that someone else is like this: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's information, not therapy, so you don't have to share things but they are supportive and friendly. I think it could really help you rebuild your confidence and feel able to trust your judgement again.

we live in a country where unmarried women can’t get maternity or gynecological care
^wtf?! I feel so sheltered not to have realised this happens in some countries. I’m worried about the fact that you bleed during sex sometimes too if you’re not able to get this checked out. Do you have regular smears? (You mentioned you have booked a gyne appointment now?)

I don't think you should blame yourself. Nobody goes into a relationship announcing 'I am a needy, clingy creep with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and I'm likely to turn nasty if I don't get everything I want'. He presented his best self until he felt secure enough to be his real self (maybe around the time you got engaged?) and you can legitimately congratulate yourself on having taken the right action, promptly and decisively. He is now using his property as an excuse to keep contacting you. Maybe you could have it delivered to his address by courier-or put it in storage, pay the first week's storage fee and tell him where to collect it and how long he's got before he needs to a) start paying the storage costs or b) forfeit his belongings.

If you're not in the uk you can do the online version of the course.

He's just bitter that you put yourself first. He's pathetic.

He called your bluff expecting you to choose him and he’s bitter you didn’t and now he’s going as low as he can.
Just keep ignoring and don’t blame yourself.

He is hurt and upset that you picked your job over him so he's lashing out because you are not backing down.
He's being a total asshole now though so I definitely think you did the right thing. There is nothing wrong with you its him that has the issues.
Block & ignore.