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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to speak to HR about a colleague?

41 replies

NoIWillNotHaveABabyShower · 02/06/2019 11:06

I was just about to do this on Friday, but HR had gone home and I've spent all weekend worrying about what to do.

My colleague's glass is half empty at best. Her DH has had some health issues over the past few years (I think it is connected, which makes me feel guilty) and recently she's been dreadful to be around. She's being so so rude about other colleagues, clients and anyone who happens to piss her off. We've a junior who works with us who is beginning to pick up the attitude as well.

I am really worried about how she will treat me if I go to HR. I'm absolutely terrible at conversations involving feelings and I don't think I'm the one to deal with this.

OP posts:

SusieOwl4 · 02/06/2019 12:05

Have you spoken to your colleague at all ?

Original poster

NoIWillNotHaveABabyShower · 02/06/2019 12:09

Truthfully no. I tried the 'Sandra' approach after one bad comment but she paid me no attention. I really crumble in situations like this.

I do ask about her DH and that's how I know her health is bad.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoIWillNotHaveABabyShower · 02/06/2019 12:10

Um, by 'Sandra' I mean I said her name with emphasis after a bad comment.

OP posts:

SusieOwl4 · 02/06/2019 12:19

I agree with taking the “needing support “role . Do you think her line manager has not noticed the problem ?

Fucklt · 02/06/2019 12:21

I hope your manager is a bit more understanding of her situation than you are.

Seaweed42 · 02/06/2019 12:30

You could try this type of reflecting. She may not even notice what she's doing. She's really expressing her emotions but using others to vent her anger.
She says 'I'm so piggin sick of that Frank he's absolutely useless at this job, don't know what he's doing here!"
You say "it sounds like you are in a bad mood/irritated/on a short fuse today? Has something happened at home?" or "gosh, quite a few people are getting in the neck from you today, what's brought this on?"
So re-direct it away from the person she's commenting on, and bring it back to her and the Tone and the emotion she's using. Keep doing that. Don't engage in the content of what she says, make a polite comment about how she is appearing in that situation.

S1naidSucks · 02/06/2019 12:31

I hope your manager is a bit more understanding of her situation than you are.

Personal circumstances may affect people’s moods, but it gives them no right to act like assholes in work.

DPotter · 02/06/2019 12:33

FuckIt - that's unfair.

There's cutting someone some slack, but at the end of the day, a work environment is just that, and it is totally appropriate to treat one's colleagues and customers with politeness and respect. Sometimes people get so caught up in things they don't realise how they come across to others and they need reminding. The OP sounds a quiet person, who doesn't like to rock the boat. Other's would have challenged their colleague directly, but the OP feels she need someone else to do this - and that's fair enough

HollowTalk · 02/06/2019 12:37

It's unfair that she's taking it out on other people. It's wrong that the trainee is learning that this sort of behaviour is OK. Speak to your manager and when the trainee speaks like that, have a private word with her and tell her to be professional.

Fucklt · 02/06/2019 12:41

A quiet word with her could be all that’s needed to make her realise. It doesn’t need to be blown into such drama involving HR and managers.

DontPressSendTooSoon · 02/06/2019 12:44

What do you think HR's role is?

I work in HR and do sometimes get employees phoning me but in this situation I'd refer them to their manager. And if they can't go to their manager, their manager's manager.

The manager's role is to manage their staff. HR's role is to provide guidance and support to the manager.

If the manager needed my support in how to deal with it, I'd offer that, but very rarely would I offer much more to the individual employee than talking them through internal procedures.

CharityConundrum · 02/06/2019 12:45

I hope your manager is a bit more understanding of her situation than you are.

In what way? I'm not sure allowing a team member to create a toxic working environment is 'understanding' but I might have missed something in the OP that suggests she is being less than supportive.

justeatasalad · 02/06/2019 12:50

Do you have to go to hr though ? Can you not have a chat 1 to 1 or a team meeting. I've done this it clears the air and you all have a say and she may not be happy about various work things and has resentment it builds up . I get the negativity from her which isn't nice but in my experience and I wish I'd done this in previous jobs just confront it . Say what's up Sandra ( just a random name ) I get that you have personal problems is there anything we can do to help and go from there .

EAIOU · 02/06/2019 12:55

Is Sandra a more senior member? Or do you have the same job title?

I agree with previous poster who says to go from a place of concern and an are you ok? path.

greydayatmosphere · 02/06/2019 13:05

Right, so she isn't actually being rude to other colleagues or clients, instead she is being critical and unpleasant about them behind their back to you?

If you really don't like this then I think you need to deal with it directly.
Say that you feel uncomfortable with hearing her talk like that about the people you work with and you would rather she stopped. If you don't want to be that direct, start defending them and she may stop when she doesn't have a receptive audience.

I do think if you went to her manager she would absolutely know it was you and it would irreversibly damage your working relationship.
It will always be awkward and weird after that. If I were here I would be very hurt and upset that you had gone behind my back to the manager instead of talking directly to me.

If this is recent, as you say, she may be having a very miserable time in her life and this is how it is being expressed. If you really are uncomfortable with it tell her yourself. Regard it as a growth moment for you

daisychain01 · 02/06/2019 20:36

I do think if you went to her manager she would absolutely know it was you and it would irreversibly damage your working relationship.

I agree, you can never come back from that. Whatever trust might have existed between you would be blown out the water if you get Management involved. Maybe that is less important than getting her to stop behaving obnoxiously. Only you know if you mind her potentially taking issue and who knows, retaliate by taking out a grievance against you. Could be stressful.

If she's as flakey as you suggest, it could all blow up in your face. Or the converse - she could apologise, be brought to her senses and revert to the reasonable person she was (presumably) before this all kicked off. That's the risk...

I'd tend towards ignoring her, and just make sympathetic noises when she has a rant. Let her behaviour speak for itself. As long as she isn't targeting you personally....

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