To think sex will never be the same again? Can you give me some hope

[Jessy111]

I'm 5 weeks PP, third birth and a second degree perennial tear which required stitches. This was the only birth in which I tore.

Everything healed up beautifully so i thought and by 4 weeks PP when I clenched my pelvic floor everything felt as though it was returning to normal. All good.

By 5 weeks PP I decided to brave it and attempt intercourse with OH last night and I could barely feel a thing. It was a completely different experience to how I felt 5 weeks PP with DC2. It wasn't painful but not remotely enjoyable (for me)

I know it's very early days and I must persist with the pelvic floors but I can't help but worry that I'll never enjoy sex again.

Mum's of multiples can you offer any reassurance, or even confirm my worries so I don't get my hopes up?

If there is no improvement by 6months I would speak to a doctor. I’ve had sex anywhere from 3days-3weeks after and as you said it’s always been tighter than pre birth. Keep up with the exercise and try not to worry too much.

Oh that is good to hear Dead and Cuppa

I have my 6 week postnatal check up next week so they'll be able to assure me everything is healing as it should, touch wood!

I think it's bound to feel different 5 weeks PP after a tear than it did in previous births where there was no tear isn't it. It's a bit silly of me to be comparing how I feel now as opposed to after my last birth, given how it was a totally different birthing experience with a tear and stitches this time.

I've been winding myself up telling myself they haven't stitched me up tight enough, and by tight I mean to how the opening was before this birth (not pre babies!)

Re another recent thread, make sure you use contraceptives when you do have sex again, unless you want another child soon!

Would that be a remote possibility? That I may have not been stitched up enough.

Not that I have a wealth of experience with being stitched aside this one occasion but it seemed very rushed.

Obviously there's no way of me comparing how wide the opening is now in comparison to before this birth but it's just a hunch I've got that I can't shake.

I guess the only way to really know is to give it time.

Lots of good posts already - but i though i'd just say i don't blame you at all for being concerned and having a go this early. Part of feeling life is all ok is knowing your body is springing back to normal.

For me the first few weeks of looking after a new born is horrific. I'll openly say it. I hate it. (4 DCs) I'm fine with it after the 3 month mark but before that i hate it all and find getting back to a normal sex life does wonders for making me feel i can cope.

Earliest i've resumed normal service was no.4 actually, 2 weeks. Latest was with no.1 - i tore internally - and i left it till the 6 week mark because i was told i should and iirc i had the same problems and worries as you OP. It just took a while for things to settle.

Take it gently. Don't fret. All will be well.

Definitely don't want any more children, no.

The DC we have were planned and conceived accordingly.

We are using contraception, not that i can see myself wanting to DTD again anytime soon after yesterday's experience. Its put me off to be honest.

Sometimes women are stitched too tight on purpose - colloquially known as the “husband stitch” 🤬

I had an emergency section before labour so no damage to that area directly and I had almost no sensation in my clitoris for about 18 months. A year on its more sensitive than it used to be. The body does strange things after pregnancy and birth, and after injury. Give it time and seek out a pelvic physio if you need some additional help.

You really should wait a bit longer though - sex brings a high risk of infection post birth, and perineal tears can take some time to fully heal.

I used the NHS squeezy app and it took about 4 months but its better than before now. Its only been 5 weeks!

I had a second degree perineal tear in an awkward place, and it was 3 months before I could have PIV sex because I couldn't bear anything touching the scar. Its not just that the muscles have to knit back together, the skin takes more time to heal than just closing over.
It also took longer than that (and a lot of clenching) to get back a decent level of muscle tone.

At only 5 weeks pp, you will have bruised nerves and possibly scar tissue from your tearing and stitches. Don’t feel defeated - things will come back to normal in time I’m sure.

Thank you

I'll give it some time before I attempt sex again.

My bleeding had stopped for two weeks before I attempted anything but immediately after there was a very small amount of fresh blood after I wiped, about the size of the nail on my pinky finger, so I'm probably alot less healed than I initially thought despite the stitches having dissolved and healed on the outside.

The nhs app looks good I'll give it a download

Thanks Sheez will check out the link you posted now

Have you ever cut your finger or burned yourself and still been able to see the redness six weeks later, even though it’s not painful and is technically “better”? Well think about how much is happening inside you and just how much work your body has to go through to really heal it all. It will get better but you can’t rush your body’s natural healing process and it isn’t a weakness that it’s not complete yet. It’s not wrong to want sex but maybe your body isn’t ready.

(And I have 2 DC, youngest is 5, and sex is way better than before babies so there is hope!)

its soon to worry about sex, unless youre really keen which is different for everybody, and nothing wrong with wanting sex again within weeks, so dont let anybody shame you about that. My advice though, if youve had a big tear, is ask the doctor to refer you to gynae physiofor pelvic floor support and advice. In my area you can self refer. Im doing this, and my kids are a lot older, but there are a lot of new mothers in my class.
Also download the NHS squeezy app, and set it to do reminders 3 times a day. I was suggested 10 reps of slow exercises - 10 secs hold and then 10 secs release, and then 10 reps of quick exercises, clench release. This has been the only thing thats got me doing my pelvic floors, so I really recommend.
Its about £3 for the app but worth it

Thanks you two i appreciate the virtual shake, I've rationalized now that it really is too soon to be worrying about this to the extent I have.

@Branleuse what support / advice have you been given so far at gynae physio if you don't mind me asking? I'll remember to talk to my GP about a referral later on if things aren't back up to scratch in a few months

its soon to worry about sex, unless youre really keen which is different for everybody, and nothing wrong with wanting sex again within weeks, so dont let anybody shame you about that.

There’s of course nothing wrong with wanting sex at any time but wanting and having it are different things! No judgement at all OP, your lochia had been stopped for a while.

Unfortunately I think there’s a serious lack of education in this area - women are told not to have sex for six weeks pp but not told why, so many ignore it. Many women don’t realise that there’s a sizeable open wound in their uterus and a cervix that isn’t fully closed which means risk of infection from sex is very high. They don’t understand how many layers their episiotomy or tear goes through and how long it can take for this to be fully healed. I think women generally are given shockingly little post-birth care advice (and don’t get me started on the lack of follow up for women who’ve had sections, episiotomies or severe tears - this is something I’ve been working on trying implement in my local maternity service for two years now)

I’ve spoken to a number of women through my job who’ve ended up with sepsis after having sex before they were healed. They didn’t understand the risks.

So this is not about shaming the wanting of sex, but about raising awareness of the dangers of having sex before fully healed (that’s not even getting into the fact that women can be ovulating from 3 weeks pp so sex from 2 weeks pp onwards must be protected!)

sizeable open wound in their uterus after a “normal” vaginal delivery sinkgirl ?

It's completely normal for sex to be not all that at this stage for multiple reasons. Healing, lack of sleep, and hormones, to name a few. I felt like that after my second, but sex is now better than ever ( it took a long time though).

OKPedro, the open wound referred to is where the placenta separates from the uterine wall - the usual barriers are disrupted and it can be a route for infection.

sizeable open wound in their uterus after a “normal” vaginal delivery sinkgirl?

Yes! Whether c section or vaginal, everyone has an open wound in their uterus where the placenta detaches - and it’s quite large! It’s where much of the lochia (postnatal bleeding) comes from.

I think lots of women don’t consider this at all. Imagine losing any other organ in your body and what the recovery from that is like!

mumsgrapevine.com.au/2018/03/uterus-hole-after-birth/

I braved it and had a proper look down there, I can't be sure but it looks like I have a slight prolapse. I don't know whether that would explain the loss of sensation?

Hopefully I'm wrong and things are just a bit swollen and need time to return to normal but I'll see what the doctor says at my 6 week post check up next week

That's frightening about the link between sex and sepsis soon after birth, that thought had never crossed my mind. I think I'd know if I'd contracted sepsis after having sex wouldn't I?

Won't be doing it again any time soon that's for sure.

Oh yes, you’d be very very unwell if you had sepsis! I didn’t mean to frighten you or make you worry about sepsis.

Uterine infection is unlikely if your lochia had stopped for weeks before hand. The fact you had some bleeding from the tear suggests you weren’t as fully healed there as you thought. I’m sure it’s fine! If you do start seeing any signs of infection (increased temperature, weeping from the tear site, redness, swelling, bleeding etc) then definitely see a doctor sooner rather than later just in case :)

I do wish women were educated about this, at school and during / after pregnancy - it’s no good telling women not to have sex but not telling them why! It makes me very cross.

Make sure your doctor examines you if you’re concerned about a prolapse (GPs don’t do six week checks here any more!). Hopefully it is just swelling.