I’m new to mumsnet and never posted before but regularly read your AIBU threads and feel I need your help. I’ll try to give all details so I’m sorry if this gets long!
I’ve been with my partner for 3.5yrs. I’m divorced with an 8yr old daughter. She met him two years ago- I wanted to wait until I was really sure about him before I let her meet him. She adores him. We spend a lot of time together as a family. He is a lot older than me and has a granddaughter who is 10. She spends a lot of time with us as well and we all get on and have a big family holiday booked in August. The girls adore each other and I have a reasonable relationship with their mum so should be able to retain contact if I split with my partner but it would be awkward. He has (that I’m aware of!) been communicating in a very loving way with his ex for the last 2yrs (i found out shortly after my daughter had met him-grrr!). He clearly misses her and wants her attention and she returns it but doesn’t want to get back with him because she has her own life. They both say it’s no threat to my relationship but it is because it hurts me and he doesn’t see it. He lies to me and hides when he’s met her, but I find out because I’m suspicious and have got the code to his phone and email password- I know it’s wrong but I just don’t trust him. I’ve threatened to leave on many occasions but he gets angry and manages to make me feel like I’m overreacting and cites the fact that we have so many plans together. What he NEVER does is reassure me and tell me he loves me. He just repeats that I’m being unreasonable and she’s no threat. He sent her flowers, chocolates and a bear on her birthday and hasn’t apologised and doesn’t accept he’s done anything wrong. I’ve now discovered that he’s messaging another woman as well. At the moment it’s just reminiscing about their sexual past but it’s very flirty and only started on Wednesday. His family tell me he loves me- but he doesn’t. He’s cheated on everyone in his life in the past. I think he just needs attention from women- he’s quite self centred and has little will power and he’s conscious he’s getting older and keeps saying I’ll leave him for someone younger. I suspect he does this to reassure himself he’s still sexy and wanted by women. He’s very involved in my family and I love him dearly. Other than this we get on really well and he’s great company! I have no problem with his age- I’ve always gone for older men (please don’t judge- it’s just my preference!!). I don’t want to upset the girls by splitting up with him and I don’t think it’s healthy to be in a relationship where I don’t trust him. I can’t tell him I know about the latest messages because then he’ll know I’ve been through his phone again and he uses the fact that I do this as a reason he hides everything. He doesn’t understand that I only do it because I don’t trust him and I realise this is cyclical that needs to stop. What would you do? I’ve always been cheated on by partners and in the past I’ve just upped and left- but it has left me very insecure so I know that doesn’t help. I don’t know whether I should keep going or not. I don’t know whether he plans to meet this latest woman or just keep flirting with her over messages to boost his ego. He does always tell me that he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants to be in my life- but he won’t commit either and refuses to tell me he loves me- which hurts. I feel very confused because I do love him and don’t want to finish with him and normally wouldn’t have a problem walking away. Our plans are important but I know they’re not a reason for staying together- but it would disappoint them hugely if we didn’t all go together. What do you think I should do?