To not see elderly Mum today

[Ellaandlouisqueenandking]

Hi

So....I'm a Mum, wife and carer to my Mum who is very ill currently, both physically and mentally.

I have tried to move in with her but she is a hoarder with OCD, so it has been impossible to do this as any attempts to declutter have been met with great upset and anger on her part and she has said she would rather we didnt move in. It is currently not a safe environment for my DD anyway. So DH and I have offered her a place to stay at ours, which she has refused.

I have not seen her since Tues (when I spent most of day with her) as I have been seeing in laws on Weds and catching up on housework and work the rest of the days, which is slow as I am recovering from a back injury and have severe sciatica. This has made Mum v angry. She has told me I am not seeing her as I dont love her and she is useless etc etc. This is not true. I love her very much but have a back injury at the mo and wont get time off for 2 months and need to get stuff in order in my home so I'm organised so I can do everything I need to do in term time (I'm a teacher). I also have depression and am tired of her outbursts and whilst I understand her pov I am tired and cant cope anymore.

Hubby is huffy as our home often a mess. So I'm trying desperately to make him happy. He does help but works all the hours. I have told Dr about Mums moods and they are monitoring the situ. She refuses help from SS or a mental health assessment and as she capacity there is nothing anyone can do. I have got her taxi card and am applying for Dial a Ride for her but she refuses to use them and expects me to give her lifts, even though I cant a lot of the time as I'm busy being a Mum. I can only help once or twice a week.

I feel like a terrible daughter. I'm tired and have had enough. She calls 4 or more times a day. I cant cope anymore.

No you're not unreasonable. You're in a difficult position and trying to please everyone. You need to look after yourself or you'll burn out - I have something similar with an elderly relative who cannot see beyond her own nose / thinks the world revolves around her. It is exhausting and frustrating and I've realised over the past month that nothing I do will be enough - it's been quite liberating and enabled me to think more clearly and set boundaries / expectations even if it isn't what the relative likes - she is also prone to guilt tripping.

I would add that my relative's mental health is complicated, plus she now has been diagnosed with dementia. We have put powers of attorney in place which have made things easier - the health one only really kicks in once the person has no capacity, BUT it does mean healthcare professionals engage with us. I'd definitely recommend getting them in place now if you can.

You're not being at all unreasonable OP, and yes she is your mum but some parents can get like this, selfish and inconsiderate despite there being other avenues of help available. We had this with PILs when FIL was temporarily unable to drive. My DH had to take a days leave, drive 2 hours each way to their house to take FIL to a hospital appointment 20 minutes away. They are wealthy but would not even take a taxi. I had given them all the info on their local hospital transport, commu ity transport etc, but no, and they could not see how crazy it was to expect this of DH. He finally got up the courage to say he could not keep doing this as there were other options easily available to them. You will need to take a stand with your mum and arrange alternative help, and don't let yourself be emotionally manipulated.

Thanks so much xx

I am trying to set boundaries but she keeps up her guilt tripping.

We have power of attorney for Mum. She currently has capacity.

If you're officially her carer then yes, sorry I think yab a bit u. I have sympathy for you though as it's a difficult situation.

If by carer you mean she relies on you for everyday help then unfortunately YAB(a bit)U. But if you mean you provide lifts and get shopping and so on while she lives independently then I think it's reasonable - you've got your own struggles and there's no point you ending up incapacitated too (the idea of fitting your own oxygen mask before helping others). It doesn't sound like DH can step up any further so you have to be the one to do the essentials at home in order to carry on. It's a crap situation and sometimes you just have to make the best of it - if that means that she has to manage without seeing you for a few days then so be it.

Thanks. Im not her official carer. She is able to do most things for herself. I do give her lifts when I can, take her to Dr and get shopping etc, give her cooking. She says thats all she wants.

DH offered to go over to her with some groceries as I cant do shopping due to my back flaring up. She refused his help.

You have to set hard boundaries, and then repeat, repeat, repeat. My mum is very similar although not a hoarder but refuses help and then expects me or her brother to do it all. I now tell her she has to use hospital transport to get to appointments (unless they are about anything sinister) and also tell her I won’t pander to her sudden whims - like deciding she’d like takeout when she came home from hospital one night instead of the Ready meal I’d got her, and expecting me to leave home, go and drive to get it and take it to her (it’s was KFC you can’t get delivery of that where we live)

Sounds so similar to what we're experiencing. We're over. 2.5 hour (each way) away. We have the luxury of a live in carer and we go down to see her at least 1 - 2 x per week, plus call / keep in contact daily. From her point of view she is "entirely alone" and has been "abandoned".

Sorry posted too soon. My point is that boundary setting is tough, but honestly it is really helping my own mental health and relationship with husband. As a previous poster has said, You can only do so much. Unfortunately some parents do get like this (self centred / obsessed) with no care for the strain others are under.

She is able to do most things for herself
In that case prioritise yourself. And stop answering the phone to her so often. Focus on getting everything you need to sorted and then give yourself some downtime to mentally recharge a bit. If she's rejecting DH's help then she doesn't really need it, she just wants you jumping to her every demand. Boundaries....

Pop over to the "elderly parents" board where you'll find lots of people facing similar problems.

If she can manage for herself and she is refusing the help she could get because she'd rather you did everything, then you need to back away. She's an adult. She has to take responsibility for her own situation. You have your family and yourself to consider, time to put them first. Your mum needs to start making better choices, not complaining about not being pandered to. It sounds harsh, but some older people can be very entitled.

Thanks everyone. I'm struggling with guilt and depression at mo. I'm very tired. X

Sorry that you are having such a hard time. You have lots of responsibilities- not just your mother. It is understandable that you are having extreme difficulties juggling these and your own health is suffering.

It is very hard - but don't feel guilty. Obviously, she would like you to do lots of things for her, but she has other choices available to her. She needs to be very clear that she has to take up some of these other offers of help, not run you into the ground.

Unfortunately, just telling elderly parents that you are barely coping rarely seems to work. They sometimes need real life proof that you can't always be there before they will look at the alternatives.

Do not feel guilt. You have offered her plenty of options. We can only offer what we are able to give. You are not able to give more due to health issues and it being unsustainable in Long run - which is eminently sensible and reasonable. All the best OP.

Thanks so much. Very kind xx

If your DH objects to the state of your house I suggest he locates the hoover.

If he has offered to take supplies to your mum don't give her the option to refuse.

Plan your time as suits you.

She needs to access other options besides you. Old people can be very very very selfish. You are in pain. You are a human being. She is exploiting you.