AIBU to feel this bad for my daughter?

[Serendipity12]

Sorry posted this initially in ‘parenting’ by mistake. Some names etc changed for anonymity!!

Daughter (13) is quiet and quite shy - always has been. Best friend since primary school (J) has been stable and her mum Anne and I are really close as well - supported each other through illness and bereavement, and when my child felt bullied and one of hers did too.
A year ago a new pupil arrived whose mum (lets call her Julie) was initially really full on (almost over friendly) but her daughter was a real stinker to mine, even to the point that other parents (including Anne!) Would comment on how this new kid would seem to blame and victimise my DD all the time at sleepovers, probably because she is so easy going and quiet. Julie went very cold very suddenly as soon as our children stopped getting along, and although I tried once to start up a conversation she cut me dead. I’ve been the same since then to her and found the whole situation really hurtful - something that I told Anne as well.
So cut to today and I am giving J and my DD a lift to a Saturday club and my DD and I just had to sit through twenty minutes of being told how great this new film is and how several of them all had a sleepover with Julie’s daughter over the half term and all the great stuff they did. And I know that it might be that I’ve lost all my perspective here but I feel so sad for my DD who was really polite and didn’t say anything but I could tell she was upset. And I just felt that Anne and I were more that just school gate friend last but now I feel that I misjudged the relationship and feel a bit silly to be honest. AIBU?

Yanbu to feel sad, it's perfectly natural.

What a little horror Anne's DD sounds!

Not sure what Anne has got to do with this. You two are supposed to be grown ups. Are you saying you can't be friends with Anne any more because she let her DD go for a sleepover at J's?

No you are not being unreasonable but I also think that you have not misjudged the relationship. Your friend Anne may have chosen not to tell you as she felt awkward about it and didn't want to upset you or alternatively just didn't think. School gate relationships can be complex, and be affected by the dynamics of relationships amongst the children. Most parents just want to rub along comfortably and not be pulled into any possible dramas.
Your DD handled it well but yes no doubt it will have stung and you will have to support her. Ensure she realises that you can't get on with everyone and hence you will sometimes be left out. Help her to develop other interests which may lead in the future to other friendships and more importantly help her realise that there is more to life than simply what school offers. Apply this thinking to yourself as well.
Please do not feel silly.

Anne can't control if her daughter wants to go to a sleepover at Julie's child's house that she was invited to, even if she didn't like the child herself. Anne probably hasn't mentioned it to avoid upsetting you. It's horrible for your daughter that this child has targeted her, but it's not Anne's fault, not is it her daughter's. The daughter should've been more sensitive and not gone on about the sleepover, but it sounds unthinking rather than malicious.