To stop co-parenting with this man?

[Awaywithye]

I find myself in a difficult situation. My ex moved a long way away three years ago and, despite initial promises to have regular contact with DC has settled into a routine of contact in holidays, birthday and Christmas only so, the nice fun bits. When he first moved away he went 12 weeks without seeing her or calling her. He will regularly go 8/9 weeks without seeing her.

I do everything else. Work, parenting, all the school stuff, doctors appts. DD has ADHD so it's all pretty full on. Because ex only has DD sporadically I find it difficult to build a life for myself as everything has to be planned around childcare (I do have a life but it is difficult).

I advised ex that I had a work trip later in the year and he would need to make arrangements to care for her and take her to school whilst I was away.

At first he asked if I would contribute to the cost. I pointed out that he had a large variation to his child maintenance for his travel costs and that he should use that. Then he said he couldn't do it because he has no annual leave left. He works in the public sector so gets leave April to April. I said in that case you better tell DD you can't see her October, Christmas or February as you have no leave left.

He replied that he's already booked those times off and that's why he has no leave.

I'm so hacked off with this and can't sort out in my head why I'm so angry. It's like he is blatantly telling me that he will only do the fun bits and I'm not even allowed the freedom to have a (work) trip where I can count on the other parent.

I've always put DD first and encouraged and supported their relationship but I just feel like I'm sick of being last and I no longer care to facilitate their relationship.

If he can opt out of parenting, AIBU to opt out of co-parenting?

Tell him it's your turn at the fun bits this year so he can change his annual leave

That's the thing. He won't and he thinks this is perfectly reasonable.

Then the answer is to stop facilitating contact.

Children usually benefit from contact with both parents. Unless there's abuse, some contact is usually considered better than no contact. If you stop facilitating contact, he could quite reasonably go to court and get a court order requiring you to make the children available for contact at certain times. That would probably be less flexible for you. The court won't force Dad to have contact - just require you to make them available. So the court won't make Dad have them during your work trips if he doesn't want to.

If Dad doesn't bother taking you to court, and as a result sees less of your children, then when they grow up they may well resent you for interfering in their relationship with their father.

I suggest you try to facilitate reasonable contact.

I see what you mean but is it not useful to you if he has her during school holidays? They are fun yes, but also a pain in the arse due to childcare.

Same position. I can’t offer a suggestion but can empathise. It’s shit.

It's very obviously shit

But there is nothing you can do so you have to show it doesn't bother you. If he's having her so little does this 'variance' still apply?

I wouldn't interpret what you have as co-parenting TBH. You seem to be doing pretty much all of it.

It's a bit crap that he can't step in and help out, but if he has genuinely booked out his annual leave to spend with his child, that's actually a good thing, isn't it?

I hope that you are able to widen your support network to be able to do the things that you need to do - is there another relative that might be able to cover that time you are away? Or a trusted friend?

I also wonder if you have agreed the times that your ex is having contact? It is important that he has regular contact, but you have a right to be involved in agreeing those times. It would be usual to split the holidays in half, alternate Christmas etc.

I can understand how frustrating it must be that he gets only "fun" times, but your child will know that you have been there through all the "ordinary" stuff. You say you put DD first, and that will mean raging in private (and on here, to trusted friends etc) and continuing to faciltate their relationship. For her sake, not his.

Thanks for your replies. The burning resentment comes to the surface every so often then subsides as I remind myself of all the things you've said here.

There are no winners here, I know. My main aim is that DD doesn't end up the loser. I will continue facilitating contact as it's in DD's interest.

Barbarianmum yes it does help that he has her in the holidays- I would manage without that though as there are play schemes and holiday clubs. DD has returned from half term with him and informed me (without any prompting from me) that he worked all week and she was looked after by SM and a combination of SM's family so he's got everyone fulfilling his parental responsibilities it appears.

One last thing I have to remind myself is that he would LOVE me to restrict contact as then he could make me the bad guy. Since I've never restricted contact and have actively encouraged it, it's clear to all that his limited contact is his own choice, whatever else he might say.

I completely understand (I mean completely- XH lives abroad and only has DS 3 school holidays a year) but you can't stop her from seeing him in those holidays. The damage that would be done by disrupting her time would be great and you would also be spiting yourself, as you'd then have to pay for holiday care.
It's bad luck when you realised you procreated with a selfish twat but you have to accept it and suck it up for the kid's sake. Resentment will achieve nothing other than make you unhappy so let it go.