Family should be the most important thing but not the only thing

[Londonlassy]

This is not an anti-MIL thread. My MIL is a very nice person but I’ve realised her whole life has only been about her husband and sons and now her sons have moved away and had families of their own she is incredibly lonely

MIL never worked outside the home, neighbors were acquaintances not friends, no hobbies, not involved in the local community. Her only interest was -overly- devotion to her sons. Now in her 60s she has no social skills or confidence to improve her social life. Her life isn’t helped by the fact that the family home where she lives is in a town that has few jobs and her sons have all moved a distance away and as a result we visit only every month
AIBU to think you need to have something outside the family - doesn’t matter if it’s great friends a hobby, a job, anything because it’s very possible that later on in life you could end up being empty

I think if you want to optimise long term happiness it's a good idea to have your eggs in more than one basket. If it's all about your children, your job, your hobby, your one group of friends or any one thing on it's own you're making yourself massively vulnerable to sadness in the long term. Hopefully your Mil still has time to widen her interests and her life a bit. Maybe her sons can encourage her to branch out and pay back some of the devotion!

No it’s the usual empty nest problem - same with people who retire without anything else to fill their time. Regardless of filling the future empty days fostering individual interests and hobbies is good for your mental health at any time if life.

If you're saying that it isn't healthy to define your whole life by a single relationship then yes, I agree completely. My DM died recently. After my DF died, she spent over 2 years committing slow suicide by alcohol and self-neglect, because she had nothing outside her relationship with him. It didn't matter that she could have had friends, family, hobbies - he was her entire focus and once that was gone, she was lost. It wasn't a healthy relationship even if it was a Great Love.

I'm determined not to go that way. I'm widowed and have two teen DDs - they are amazing, I love them to bits, but they will never be my while life. I will have work, hobbies, friends, interests. I'm going to be Old Lady Behaving Badly when I grow up.

YANBU Op. I’ve seen it too many times.

Wow, you are sympathetic to the situation she finds herself in!

Can you find an activity you could do together as a first step along this new Path?

Do you think she sees herself the way you see her?

cheeks We live five hours away. No I can’t find an activity we can do together.

That is sad but I think it is also a reality for a lot of eldery people. As people get older friends become fewer and fewer. When you are younger you have school parent friends, work friends. The vast majority of these will fall by the wayside as your circumstances change. Hobbies are a good way to keep occupied but even these often have to change with aging and it can be quite daunting to start from scratch. Try and encourage her to go to some clubs.

It’s one of the reasons why I don’t feel selfish catching up with friends and trying new hobbies. It’s hard and scarey trying new things but I also think it unrealistic and selfish to expect my DD to meet my emotional and social needs when I become a crotchety old women!,

I think it’s a generational thing though.
Today’s generation I think have to work and have a life outside the family home because of financial necessity.

It's very sad for her but I wouldn't blame her for it either. My mum is in a similar predicament but she had a fulfilling job, friends and hobbies her whole life. It's just that when you retire there's a huge gap where your job was - especially if you were passionate about your work. Then the older you get the more friends seem to slip away. Either because they become ill, less mobile or die or just because the things you had in common (children, a hobby a job) no longer exist. Likewise you can't always keep up with hobbies as you get older - the other people going are younger and you have less in common with them.

It might have been different in the days that the extended family were all in once place so you'd get to see grandkids growing up, cousins and siblings dropping in for a tea - an in built network but that just doesn't happen so much any more.

You haven't said if she's unhappy about it or not. Solitude does not always equal loneliness.

It's very sad for her but I wouldn't blame her for it either. My mum is in a similar predicament but she had a fulfilling job, friends and hobbies her whole life. It's just that when you retire there's a huge gap where your job was - especially if you were passionate about your work

See, I'd disagree with this.
I mix with quite a lot of retired people, and, without exception, they say they don't know how they ever had time to go to work. There is so much to do once the restraints of going to work every day are lifted.
There will be exceptions - I can think of some circumstances straight off - but I don't have a lot of sympathy for people like the OP's MiL who are lonely or who feel they are not needed. There are hundreds upon thousands of things you can be doing, but you have to make the first move and go and get involved with things.
I visited another friend yesterday who is 88 and not well now, but up until about 6 months ago I could never have just dropped by, as she was still out and about getting involved in things. When things she had done when she was younger became too much, she found other things she could still do, to replace them. You don't even have to be physically active to do lots of things that connect people.

backforgood my mum is exactly like this in her 70s and is always out volunteering, cinema with friends, exercise class it’s endless. She has always been social and I love it. I never feel guilty if I can’t visit for a while because I know her life is full and she loves me but she doesn’t need me to complete it