Interested or obsessed

[lettertotheeditor]

Following on from a chat with my best friend, I would love to know your thoughts on this. I had questioned recently if my closest male friend had feelings for me . His text contact had increased to every single night , he is always' around' , tries to plan for a night out for both of us with or without other friends, is touchy feely with hugs and back and arm touching , complements and likes, texting as soon as I am on line or tagging on social media, double texting , working together all day, lunches etc together etc etc . These examples are not new but they have escalated in recent months .
The reason I'm not sure is because he has a girlfriend , I think .
However he doesn't talk about her or their relationship, there is no sign of her anywhere in social media , his plans centre on his friends and hobbies , this relationship was meant to have started around New Year!
My best friend felt he was being a bit intense and obsessive whereas I was just asking her f she thought he was interested Romamtically .
Thanks for reading this.

I should add for context that my best friend didn't like the intensity or content of the contact, especially if he has a girlfriend . It was just a general chat that got me thinking deeper about him

If you see him that often, how do you not know if he has a girlfriend? Why don’t you just ask him?

Could be, or could be keeping you as a Plan B. If he’s still with someone, he can’t be that interested, can he?

Yes , you're probably right. I work with him and live in different places . I bring up his girlfriend in conversation. He shuts it down

Yes, that sounds suss, doesn’t it? I’d cool it if I were you.

She felt that he sounded well
Dodgy.. I was flattered until she pointed out the intensity of him and his refusal to let go if I wasn't free or available to chat etc . Now I wonder is he a creep

Anyone else please ?

If you weren't getting "creepy" vibes from him previous to your chat with your best friend, then I don't understand the issue. Surely you are mature enough to interpret your own opinion and vibe about people?

If you started the conversation with your friend because you felt he was being too intense, and she has agreed - and the interest is unwelcome - then certainly distance yourself!

If you started the conversation because the interest may be mutual, then I would ascertain for sure about his relationship status and move forward from there.

But I wouldn't allow other peoples opinion to sway me from what my personal opinion of a close friend was.

It’s hard for us to say fully without knowing him, but if yes if he has a girlfriend he keeps quiet so he can flirt with other women then he’s clearly not a nice guy.

He might be interested. I don't think it's obsessive. Are you interested in him?

Well hedefinitely has a girlfriend I've discovered .
I knew her name from months ago as it was dropped into conversation to another colleague.
I was thinking some nights ago that he could not possibly have a girlfriend as he was tagging me on sm on a variety of tongue in cheek memes and articles . Lots of nods and wink type banter. I thought that there was no way a girlfriend would tolerate this knowing that she was friend of his in sm but he has never once tagged her or made reference to her . There is no relationship status/ photos etc. No sign of her .
Sure enough , after a lengthy banter conversation on sm with me a few nights ago , he tagged her in some random article yesterday . I can only imagine she was upset with him and put her foot down .
So I have little respect for him now . Maybe I'm being too harsh

Do you think he is being creepy or what is he up to? Thanks

Anyone?

I would back off, cool the contact down. If and when he no longer has a girlfriend and you are interested, then it's up to you. I wouldn't think much of him for doing this while having a girlfriend and would wonder if he would do the same if he was in a relationship with you.

Sounds like he's recruiting for a harem. It's what certain types of men do to emotionally abuse their partners. So if she got upset about him constantly tagging you etc, he'd say, 'wow, she's my FRIEND! Am I not allowed female friends??? You are so unreasonable' etc etc. She would know it wasn't normal, but what can she say to that? All she can do is dump him (the best thing to do with these men) or up her game to try to show she is a cool girl, and he can have female friends - but also 'playing nice' so as not to 'drive him into' the arms of one of his female 'friends'.

I'm guessing she is of the second type, or she wouldn't be around still.

And of course, if you showed you were up for it, he may well cheat on her with you - whilst still gaslighting her about you being his 'friend'. That's why he doesn't like to talk about her - wants you to think she either doesn't exist, or that he doesn't care for her/it isn't working.

Does this sound like someone you want even as a friend?

The fact that he’s shut down your attempts to ask about his girlfriend should have set off alarm bells. He didn’t explain, there was something he didn’t want to tell you, that he thought would put you off. He wanted his cake and to eat it too.

I’m sorry, he doesn’t sound very healthy to be honest. Imagine if you end up being his GF and he does the same to you!

I’d back right off. If he asks who, say I have respect for other women and don’t think this is fair to your girlfriend, as I would not like it.

If he asks ‘why’ I meant.