Newly weds, husband looking at women online AIBU to be hurt?

[MarieLondon]

Long time stalker, first time poster. I beg, please be kind.

The title says it all really but to give more context, we've only been married 2 months. My husband is a wonderful man in so many ways and I feel very fortunate to have him in my life. Of course we have our problems, but they are very small and we only really bicker about trivial stuff like housework.

A couple of weeks ago I was on his computer. His computer is in the living room and I use it all the time as well, but he uses it mostly for gaming so he is on it way more than me.

I was looking through his internet history as there was a site we'd both been looking at a few days prior and I wanted to find it, but I stopped searching for that site when lots and lots of Facebook searches showed up. Though my husband has Facebook, I've never really seen him on it this much so I was wondering what had he been looking at.

I know people are going to be like ' that's his personal searches, you were looking for trouble' but honestly, anyone, including my husband, can look through my search history or phone as I have nothing to hide (it's rather boring photos of my cats, nephew and food).

So I went through the searches and it was full of beautiful girls, all very much his type (I'm his type too but you know, we've lived together for 2 years, he see's me mostly in my PJ's with my hair in a top knot nowadays, rather than being 'dolled up'). But he wasn't just looking at one or two photo of each girl, he was going through their entire back catalog it seemed and he done it with several girls, all whilst I was either asleep upstairs or out of the house.

I was f**cked off.

I was well and truly hurt. I actually was shaking and so distraught. I know it may sound OTT but he's never given me a reason to think his head would turn and for him to look at all this girls really hurt me.

I did bring it up with him that day and I'll be honest, I cried, I lost my temper and I stormed out the house. I think my exact words were 'why don't you look at more girls on facebook whilst I'm gone'. He pretended to be clueless and had 'no idea what I was talking about'.

Eventually we sorted things out, but I'll be honest, my pride was dented. I stupidly thought he only had eyes for me. Anyway, after that outburst, I kind of thought he wouldn't do it again as he had seen how badly it affected me but low and behold, weeks later I've just checked his history again and there they are. More facebook searches of lots of different girls (he's all friends with them) all looking gorgeous, showing everything off (good for them, I'm not judging them, I just know he's noticing that too) and I feel like a bloody fool.

Sorry it's so long winded but I'd love to hear from other married women. Is this normal? Or even if it's not normal, do I even have a right to be upset? He's only looking right? But deep down it's hurting me a lot. I would never want to make him feel how I feel as he's very insecure about his looks, specifically his weight and I think if he caught me looking at buff, slim men, he'd be distraught. I'm so upset and I know I should talk to him again but he's away at work for this week and now I don't feel like I trust him any more (he works away often with work). AIBU?

Sorry - people he knows not people he works with... I don’t know where I got that from.

Are they people he knows IRL?

And I’ve just re-read the thread and realised you confirmed they are people he knows IRL! Apologies again my brain is addled at the moment OP. YADNBU

I would be hurt too and I imagine I’d also react in the same way you did. You are not alone with this OP and don’t feel like some majorly insecure psychotic bitch or anything. Many women would feel this way, it’s quite disrespectful of him.

I would be worried about why he was looking at their pics tbh, is he using it as porn or what? It’s worse than looking at celebrities pics or porn because he actually knows these people.

To everyone asking if he’s looking at porn, no. Which I’m now finding strange too?? There’s no sign of porn on his search history on his computer (maybe it’s on his phone). So it’s kind of making me think he’s looking at these photos and doing stuff.

When I say ‘we eventually moved on’ from it last time what actually happened was he crawled back to me, apologised profusely and said he only had eyes for me. I told him point blank that him looking at girls on Facebook had made me reassess our relationship and hurt me deep. Alas. Now we’re here and he’s gone away for work for a week, so I’m stewing.

Also, there’s no messages to any of these girls or any girls in general, just a few work colleagues who are female but I know he’s mates with as well.

His Instagram is a bit different.

He gets a lot of messages from girls on there, all very ‘innocent’ and sweet (for instance, if he posts about our pets, girls message him) but I don’t really have much access to his phone. However, his phone is ALWAYS going off. Sometimes I put it down to the nature of his work but nowadays, I’m starting to think it’s something else.

Also, to the poster who said if I bring it up, he’ll just hide it better in future. I agree, that’s why I’m hesitant to bring it up, but I think even if he did try to hide it better, I’d still find out in the long runn.

As I said, maybe it’s me blowing this out of proportion. He never replies to the girls on instragam and he’s never given me any reason to doubt him, until now.

If you know his password you can log in to his insta on the computer.

The biggest question is OP: do you want to live like this? Will you be able to stop yourself wondering when he is away from you? Can you trust him to stop doing this, if it bothers you, and know that he will tell you the truth from then on?

If trust is gone, it is very hard to get back. If something is really upsetting you, then it is only your feelings that matter. Not his and not ours.

he crawled back to me, apologised profusely and said he only had eyes for me. I told him point blank that him looking at girls on Facebook had made me reassess our relationship and hurt me deep

THAT is the real issue IMO. What you do about it is up to you. We all have different levels of what we can tolerate.

For me, I couldn't be with someone who knew how much it hurt me, and still did it, albeit better hidden. That would mean, to me, that he rated looking at his friends like that more than he cared about my feelings.

Looking at what's in front of you = fine (to me). Searching for titillation by a known woman = not fine (to me).

You aren't overreacting. We all have our lines in the sand. This seems to be as much about secrecy and lack of respect for you and these women, NOT your DH just looking at random tits online.

I wouldn't like this at all, OP. Not one bit. YANBU.

This would really upset me, I would see my DH differently.

I'm going against the grain here a little bit, only because I experienced something similar- DH wasn't seeking out women to look at specifically, just old friends, some of whom were attractive women. I did think the amount of pics he was looking at was excessive until one day I looked at my own search history (to find something I'd seen a few hours back) and was surprised to see how obsessive I looked myself! I'd genuinely just been doing the usual Facebook thing; having a look through a friend's recent photo album, spotting someone I knew & looking at their profile pics before adding them- that sort of thing. What I thought were just a few pics here and there turned out to be dozens and dozens of pics from just one person's profile alone So although he's probably unreasonable to specifically seeking out attractive women to look at (if that's what he's doing) I think it's less unreasonable if they're friends and he's simply looking at recent uploads. I suggest trying it yourself- look at your own fb search history you might be surprised too!

Just to add- I deleted my fb a while back because after that I did realise I was probably on it a bit too much! Never looked back!

My partner uses FB a lot, and a lot of his fb friends are women who frequently dress in fetish or fetish-like outfits because of the sorts of music and gigs etc we are into. It doesn't bother me and I know he doesn't look at them like that. He prefers floofy kitten videos and daft memes.

There does seem to be an issue these days with people noticing someone has gone through their entire back catalogue of accessible social media photos, though. So I always worry about looking.

I don't think looking always means something sinister. I certainly don't wank over people's photos.

But if you know this is what he has been doing, and he hasn't a decent reason for trawling through these photos, aaaaaand you've called him out on it already but he's still doing it..... Then I think you have the right to be pissed off.

My exh wasn't sexual, I didn't get to be intimate with him because he didn't like to. But then I went away for a few days and came back to discover wank sites in my computer browser history.

It just hurt, really. My lovely current partner used to like looking at some of the 'suicide girl' stuff but he doesn't look at any of it now we are together. Normal to look when you're single. Unfortunately too usual for people to look despite not being single.

Im going to ask about the bickering over housework? Does he see it as beneath him because hes a man? If you have kids together could you end up doing it all while he spends his leisure time scrolling.

You need to look at this whole picture.