To think that maybe I don't understand the boundaries?

[friyayisthebestyay]

DH and I long and happy marriage. DSS 10, good relationship with him. DH has regular access. Alway paid etc. DSS mum recently split from abusive partner.
DH has received the following messages .... 'your child has gone hungry because of that women'. For context, DSS came over on a non access night. 100% no problem. We had my sis and DBIL over for supper. DH and DSS came in late from sport training. I was in the kitchen sorting drinks etc. DSS was hungry so he sat at the bench with me snacking while DH showered, I made his last much for the next day at school, asking what to you want this or that? In line with what he usually takes etc. Then got his uniform in the wash and dried for the next day. DSS was happy as far as I could understand.
Apparently lunch bag went back full and DSS said I didn't want it friyay made it and I don't like the stuff she put in.
Next message, 'I must insist sport is father son time, DC was deeply embarrassed and hurt that Friyay was there' for context I sometimes go to sport, but not always, I generally take advantage of the me time. This particular occasion it was a lovely day, sat in the sun drinking coffee - not exactly shouting on sidelines or handing out oranges.
DSS seems happy with me, am I not allowed to interact with DSS? Should I keep my distance .... He seems happy to accept gifts from me? Does that stop ? My family are his closest grandparents ..... but maybe I've got too close for DSS's mum liking? (Been in his life since he was a bubba and we go through periods of this, DH says ignore. But I want to get to the root not deal with this through every life event)?

Let your DH deal with it.

Your husband needs to sort it out. And 10 years old is old enough to understand that lieing is bad and wasting food is bad so he needs to be told that when he chooses his packed lunch items, he needs to eat them and he can't tell you both that he likes something and then tell his mum that you forced it on him.

I must insist sport is father son time

She's bonkers - she can't insist what happens during your husband's contact time.

Your H absolutely needs to deal with it.

We had a lot of this over the years. Kids would be perfectly happy with us but telling their mum a different story. Who was driving it? Who knows. The mum wanted to hear they were miserable with their dad? They thought that was what their mum wanted to hear? The kids just wanted to cause a bit of a fuss for no particular reason? They were genuinely unhappy but didn't feel they could tell us? The last of those is the only thing I would give any attention to.

All the rest you should just ignore. Unless your DH wants to challenge her or her right to insist on anything during his time.

sounds like 1 of 2 things are happening, or a combo of both:

1. DSS is going home to his DM and saying stuff about you - "Dont like her, don't like her packed lunches, don't like her coming to sports with us" etc.

2. DSS's DM has an issue with you and is using DSS as a reason to pick holes in your behaviour

If it was me, I'd make it your DH's issue to sort out. Let him take it up with his DS or his ex-wife.

If your DH says "I dont know why he didnt like his packed lunch, he watched her make it and she offered him lots of different things of which he chose what he wanted", or "he seemed fine when he was over, FriYay got his uniform washed and ready for him" etc - then she'll have nothing to say and it will become evident if the issue is hers or DSS's.

If DSS is slagging you off, it's likely he is just a bit jealous and put out by your relationship with his DF. I'm sure he'll grow out it it, if not, you could ask DF to talk to him and say that you were upset to hear from his DM the things he'd been saying about you. Or, talk to him yourself - ask him if you have done something as you're getting messages that he is unhappy.

I think it would be nice if you left the sport for father/son time. It is a shame though that she's looking for any opportunity to have a go at you. So what if he didn't like his lunchbox? My dcs are always grumbling about theirs! That's kids for you.