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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be exasperated with people who think their inability to understand discredits other people's concerns?

23 replies

anothernotherone · 30/05/2019 20:18

I don't see the issue.

I don't understand the problem.

AIBU to think those statements are about one's own limited capacity for empathy, understanding or simply thought.

Not understanding an argument or another person's discomfort makes the person failing to understand look stupid or limited especially if they patently have no interest in understanding and want to claim that things they don't understand therefore don't exist or are invalid.

OP posts:

Fakenametodayhey · 30/05/2019 21:17

Completely agree.
I think it is code for 'i disagree' though.
It seems to be a tactic to make ypur arvument seem untrue or irrational.

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/05/2019 21:28

Yeah, it's another way of saying "I don't agree that there is a problem here" and is about as annoying as "I hear what you say". All of them have a subtext of "what you say isn't worth listening to".

Barbie222 · 30/05/2019 21:29

I think it usually just means that person B feels person A is making drama where there doesn't need to be any? What's one man's poison, etc. But yes, it's disconcerting to realise that other people don't really care or empathise. On the other hand, there's a lot of worry wasted on nowt in the world. Without knowing context we can't say.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 30/05/2019 21:33

I think you’re taking a blanket view unnecessarily. Of course some people will see certain things as a problem while for others it wouldn’t be an issue. Not understanding why someone else would doesn’t automatically make you stupid.

You’re accusing others of being too lazy or thick to bother trying to understand - but have you attempted to understand that some people will think something is a non-issue and wonder why the OP is making it into one?

mrswarthog · 30/05/2019 21:41

YANBU - I think they're genuinely so insouciant, ignorant & entitled that they don't understand another attitude/opinion and rely on their experience to say something just isn't possible.

ReganSomerset · 30/05/2019 21:46

I don't see the problem, OP.

It means, 'I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill'.

Sparklesocks · 30/05/2019 21:47

I think some people genuinely have a very black and white view of the world and are generally baffled by those who feel differently, it’s frustrating but unfortunately you meet them everywhere

hellodarkness · 30/05/2019 21:49

It depends on the context but I'd take 'I don't understand the problem' to mean 'you are making a big issue out of a trivial thing.'

Somerford · 30/05/2019 21:52

Are you going to give us some context? An example maybe? Failing that, I don't see the issue

LolaSmiles · 30/05/2019 21:53

I don't see the problem, OP.
It means, 'I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill'.
That's how i understand it too.
It's also useful in situations where someone is raging about something but really mild irritation and no further action is required.

TurboTeddy · 30/05/2019 21:55

Oh dear, OP I often say I'm sorry I don't understand, it's always because I genuinely want more info because I don't understand. If I disagree I say I don't agree, if I think someone is bothered by something that I wouldn't consider worrying about then I would say so. I may need to find a different way of expressing myself, I try not to minimise or dismiss the concerns of others because it pisses me off when it happens to me. As a consequence I take people and their word when they say they don't understand. Some people must find me very ernest

alwayscoffee · 30/05/2019 21:55

I might use the phrase ‘I dont’t understand the problem’ if I genuinely didn’t and wanted to learn. For example if I said something inappropriate i’d Want to know why it was inappropriate so I didn’t say something similarly offensive in the future.

frogsoup · 30/05/2019 21:57

I totally agree. The mixed sex toilets threads are a great eg. Personally I don't have a huge issue with unisex loos but how much imagination does it really take to work out that others are going to have life experiences that make using mixed sex loos very much a big deal?! Saying 'you're making a mountain out if a molehill' or 'i don't see the problem' in this instance is just spectacularly self-absorbed and thoughtless. People may as well say 'i don't give a toss about your abuse trauma' - pretty grim!

frogsoup · 30/05/2019 21:59

(so as not to make this a taat, I've seen people argue similar irl!)

newtlover · 30/05/2019 22:04

I tend to agree with you OP
unless they follow 'I don't understand' with-
tell me more/why do you think that/similar then comments like that are code for
you're making a fuss about nothing

Original poster

anothernotherone · 31/05/2019 06:37

The context which provoked the the thread, for those asking, was a RL conversation about teenagers hiring scooters (mopeds) on holiday. Then, yes, a couple of hours later I started reading a mixed sex toilet thread on here!

People (in both contexts) saying that they didn't understand the problem didn't appear to have any interest in understanding, they were being dismissive and condescending and refusing to acknowledge that there could be a problem.

Lack of imagination, empathy and understanding aren't persuasive arguments. Saying "I don't see the issue" just makes the speaker sound proud of lacking empathy or thinking skills.

Saying "this isn't an issue for me" or "the benefits outweigh the risks in my opinion" or "the negative impact is tiny compared to the advantages" or "the unwanted behaviour is very rare" is fine, but "I don't see the issue" or "I don't understand the problem" is infuriating because it's a refusal to accept that for the person you're talking to there clearly is an issue! As such it's bloody rude - minimising, patronising and belittling someone for being able to see a different side to an issue!

If people genuinely want to understand as TurboTeddy says then face to face that's probably apparent, though on a forum obviously less so unless it's expressed more clearly.

OP posts:

araiwa · 31/05/2019 06:43

Sometimes yes sometimes no

Unisex toilets- i can see why some may have issues with it even if i dont

Raging because the postman knocked on their door- wtf?

RussianSpamBot · 31/05/2019 06:53

People definitely sometimes use it to imply that the problem is with others for doing something they don't understand, rather than with their failure to understand.

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 31/05/2019 07:08

I don't know if I agree. I often see people on here being quite frankly ridiculous, petty and precious. It is possible to look at a person's point of view, analyse it from all sides, and still think they're being ridiculous.

Grumpos · 31/05/2019 07:27

I agree for the most part, there is a difference in saying “ok I don’t have any experience of this issue and therefore can’t really understand the nuisances but I release other people are affected” and saying “nah it’s a non problem / I don’t see the issue with this” - all that means is that you’ve dismissed the experience of other people out of hand.

My partner (god love him he’s wonderful) has a very annoying habit of doing this when we talk about issues such as race or feminism - he’s open to listening but is a bit of a denier, because he hasn’t personally experienced being held back bc of sex / colour etc he doesn’t think it’s as much of an issue as people say it is. Ergo - it doesn’t exist bc I’ve not experienced it.
I’ve pointed out that he does this though and he’s starting to see problems can exist outside of his sphere of experience.
I agree OP, YANBU

Grumpos · 31/05/2019 07:28

Realise * not release

LolaSmiles · 31/05/2019 07:35

I'm not sure you can argue that it's dismissive in all situations OP.

Some can look at a situation and not see the issue because they're choosing to be awkward (e.g minimising abuse trauma) or because having read the posts they don't see an issue (e.g. AIBU to suggest DH gives up a job he loves because a female colleague sent him a work email out of work hours and she clearly wants to have an affair with him).

Sometimes it can be minimising and that's out of order, sometimes a poster asks for advice and needs telling they're responding out of proportion and there's no issue.

Idontwanttotalk · 31/05/2019 08:17

I agree OP and think that often posters say it, not because they don't understand, but because they're often too gutless to overtly disagree with the opinion of others. They are being passive-aggressive but if called out would probably say they aren't but that they really don't understand.

On the GN toilets thread they are probably trying to goad others to get to the nub of the issue, that transgender people want the toilets. It's so they can call people transphobic and assert their superiority (because, of course, they're not and anyone who wants single sex toilets must be ).

On threads where people's relatives can't attend their weddings it's "I can't see the problem if they can't attend" followed by horrible stuff like "It's only a wedding. Not everything is about you". Aggressive.

It's often, but not always, used in a passive-aggressive way. They may think they are being smart but actually they show their intellectual inferiority, they can only accept their own reasoning and not understand the rationale of the opinions of others in real life situations.

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