Nine Years Since Miscarriage

[llamakoala]

This post has been a long time coming. Posted in AIBU as I know it gets a significant amount of traffic.

Nine years ago I had a missed miscarriage. I didn’t find out until we were nearing the 12 week mark that my baby had passed at 8 weeks gestation. It was very traumatic for us and I personally struggled mentally for a couple of years afterwards. Plus we were so young (20) and shortly after it happened, the relationship broke down.

I’m now 29 and I’m nowhere near being in a position where I can have a child (I have a new partner- five years) but it’s just not on the cards. It could be another five years, maybe more. The main issue is financial, plus housing prices here, etc and of course my partner needs to feel ready and we both need to be emotionally sorted.

Just wondering if anyone has some advice on how I can stay positive and productive in my life- sort of, ‘keep my chin up’ in a way. I have signed up for counselling which is a step in the right direction.

I often feel so sad and hopeless about things and sometimes end up not doing things for myself (outside of work) and just lie in bed and wallow. I know that’s totally unproductive. And I do have hobbies, interests, etc.

It’s so important to me to be a Mummy and look after a little person- to see them grow and encourage them in their hopes and dreams and give them as many experiences and love that I can. I lost my own Mum at a young age which probably has something to do with my own strong maternal drive. My Mum was very maternal too- she was a very poorly lady and wanted to have a little girl so very much.. she was told she wouldn’t be able to have children (due to the conditions she had) but she did- she managed to have me for nearly five years before she passed.

Also, I see so many people my age and younger who are already settled down with families. I know I shouldn’t compare myself and I still have time. It really gets me down. Just finding the waiting and uncertainty of it all (Will my time ever come? When?) heartbreaking.

If anyone can relate in any way or have anything to share- if you’d be so kind, would really love to hear.

Thank you for reading x

It will happen for you and when it does it will be very healing. Everything you’ve been through will have lead you to that baby! I had a miscarriage in a bad relationship 10 years ago. The relationship broke down and I thought it would never happen for me but am sitting here now with my 2 beautiful babies!
In the mean time don’t waste time in a dead end relationship. Only stay in this one if it is wonderful and happy and he wants the same things as you. Keep your self fit and physically healthy as pregnancy can be tough and save financially! Whenever you are feeling low remind yourself of the things you are doing daily to benefit your future family.

@llamakoala I'm so sorry for your losses, it's a really horrible thing to have to deal with - both your mum and baby. I know it was 9 years ago but glad you're now getting some help to talk about it. I can relate to some of what you say.

DH and I started TTC in June 2013 straight after getting married but took us 5 years to finally conceive and was unexpected given how long we'd been suffering with unexplained infertility. It was so hard seeing everyone around us getting pregnant so quickly and easily. Sadly we lost our first baby just before our 12 week scan. We were totally devastated. 4 months later we discovered I was pregnant again which was another surprise but we lost that baby too. 6 months on from our second miscarriage I am still very much struggling with seeing everyone around me getting pregnant and having healthy pregnancies and taking it all for granted and then complaining that it took just a few months to fall pregnant. Everyone else is building their perfect lives and I cannot work out why my life is just stuck in grief and disappointment.

So my point is that your feelings are natural and normal for what you've gone through and where you are at in terms of where you want to be. Especially when everyone around you is having everything you yearn for.

I do have to remind myself though that I'm not alone, I know others who are unable to have children for different reasons and how hard are finding it. Equally, others say to me that they aren't happy with where their lives are and they see me and wish they were married. So many people are unhappy with where their lives are whether it's relationships, family, job/career, finances, property ladder etc. It's human nature to wish for more than what you have - I do it all the time even though I do have lots to be grateful for.

I hope you do soon get the family you really want.

I can tell you, from bitter experience, having another baby will not take away the pain of losing your first.
I can also tell you there is no right time to have a baby. Talk to your partner. You need to prioritise what you really want in life. TTC in your 30s can be trickier than in your 20s. If it is something you want you should be working towards that goal.

Hi OP, I’m sorry for your loss.

The average age of a British first time mother is 30. In my circle, 32 -36 seem to be the ages that people have babies. If you have trouble getting pregnant in your 30s you will have probably have had trouble in your late 20s too.

You have a very good chance of getting pregnant in your early to mid 30s. Your fertility doesn’t magically disappear on your 35th birthday either.

It will very hopefully happen for you but there isn’t a huge rush.

Signing up for counselling sounds like a massively positive step towards you having an opportunity to really explore what's going on for you, how your miscarriage has affected you and how the death of your mum when you were so little has affected you. Neither of those events are small things and it's not surprising that the miscarriage knocked you for six given how important it is to you that you get to be a parent.

It's not the same scenario but tomorrow my DD will turn ten. She's the child we were told we were unlikely to have and after a series of miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies, I wasn't expecting we'd be lucky. But we were. Eventually. The years that I wasn't pregnant when friends were, weren't much fun and I avoided going to places where pregnant people hung out e.g. particular cafes, parks, church etc as it was too painful.

Best of luck with your journey.

Hi OP

Very sorry for your loss and for the things you've gone through following it.

My own experience is, I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks in January 2017. I was 30 at the time, having had my eldest daughter when I was aged 28.

It was a devastating experience and one which I've never fully processed. In the aftermath I threw myself into my work and into my eldest daughter and also, into trying to get pregnant again. For me, it felt like if I didn't try to get pregnant again quickly I would lose my nerve over the whole thing, so to speak.

I was successful and now have a beautiful 16 month old daughter who, by strange coincidence, was born exactly a year to the day of the miscarriage.

When you get pregnant again, look after yourself emotionally. I'm sure that's a "no shit Sherlock" comment but seriously, I was shocked by how emotional and anxiety provoking I found it. Things got easier in that regard once I'd passed the 12 and then 24 week mark.

About 6 months after my youngest was born I found lots of repressed emotions rising to the surface re the miscarriage and I had no idea what to do with them. Didn't want to go into it with my husband, not close to my mum, kind of didn't want to say it out loud.

I sent a long rambling email to the miscarriage association, they replied really quickly, I only skim read it but I've saved the email and I know I can read it fully if ever I want to in the future. It felt good just to vent and have some response, even though I don't feel ready to read it yet.

I hope something I've said is helpful for you. Good luck for your counseling and TTC.

All the best xx

I think counselling will be hugely helpful if you get the right person. I went to someone who specifically mentioned baby loss as an area of specialism. I'm so sorry for your losses x

Thank you for your kind words, HalloumiWrap. I’m sorry you experienced a loss too and I’m really glad to hear that you got your two beautiful babies in the end. I’m sure they are very much loved.

Thank you for your suggestions- I will read this (and the thread) whenever I feel down to keep me focused.

Thank you for taking the time to share your story and thank you for your kind words, InDreamland. I’m so sorry for your losses and after all that time and struggle too.

You really hit the nail on the head there in terms of seeing everyone around you getting the things you yearn for and how everyone is unhappy with something in their lives. I need to remind myself of this.

I hope you get the family you want very very soon x

I’m sorry to hear that, Whatsername7.
I will take on board what you’ve said. I’m going to keep coming back to this thread to keep me focused and on track.

I do remember carrying a lot of anger and bitterness around after having lots of miscarriages, but before having children. You then hate yourself because you don’t really begrudge your lovely friends and people you care about being happy, it’s just that you want it too. It’s an almost palpable feeling that you kind of walk around with.

I split up with an otherwise very compatible ex though, as he didn’t want children or marriage, and I very much did. It broke my heart at the time, but once we had that direct conversation outlining what we both actually wanted, I knew that he wouldn’t be enough for me without having a family. I wanted both, and he couldn’t give it to me. I’m glad that I moved on, honestly. I now have the family that I craved, and he’s a jolly batchelor that never did resettle. You’re still young so in a way there’s no rush, but on the other hand don’t settle for someone who isn’t on the same page as you baby-wise.

Hi Polarbearflavour, thank you for what you said x

Hi SE13Mummy. Thank you for everything you said- very insightful and thoughtful. I’m so sorry for your losses and I’m really glad to hear that your luck improved and in the end you were able to have your DD.

No scenario the same but all relatable. I find often being around people with little ones can make me well up and give me a lump in my throat.

I’m going to keep referring back to everyone’s kind words and along with counselling hopefully things will get better. Thank you again x

Same thing as you, OP, almost at exactly the same time. I posted on the boards here just about 9 years ago now. I will never forget the awfulness of that time.

Mine was secondary infertility and I got pregnant after £10,000 worth of IVF. We couldn't afford any more so that was that. It's been a long road accepting it will never happen but I've had to; unlike you I'm too old now. I still think fairly often about the 8 year old we would now have had.

We got a puppy and she has been my lifeline, but she's not been so well recently (she's 9 now, of course) and it's suddenly hit home that dogs don't live that long and I'm going to feel the loss all over again when she's no longer with us. Thankfully she seems to be recovering well.

All in all though, I've tried to focus on all the things I've had and done which wouldn't have happened with a baby/ young child. My other DC are pretty much grown up now and so I have a lot of independence and more financial security than if we had a young child. Focussing on the positives helps.

For you, take comfort in the fact that it will very likely happen for you eventually. I was 29 when I had DD and I was the youngest of my close friends, who had their firsts at 31, 36 and 40 respectively. So you have plenty of time.

Losing your baby will always hurt - I know that's the case for me. But I think, by and large, you will eventually make peace with it, one way or another. Hugs , I know how awful it is. I know how people think that after all this time you'll forget the pain, but you never do. Take care of yourself

Hi, Madge2012.
Sorry for your loss. I’m really glad that it happened for you again and you were able to have your daughter.

That’s a really good point about looking after yourself emotionally. Hopefully the counselling will sort the emotional issues/trauma side of things so that I am prepared to cope with my emotions/anxiety. It’s probably little known/not generally thought of but now you say it, it would make sense that something repressed would resurface upon becoming pregnant again. And it’s good to hear that the Miscarriage Association responded (I didn’t know they replied to emails) and that you have that for when you are ready to read it.

Definitely very helpful. Thank you so much xx

Gosh OP you sound so down. I too had a miscarriage at 20, then another at 26 and just assumed there was something wrong with me and that I couldn't hold on to pregnancies. I then left it until I was 33 to start trying again (I was just scared to try again really) but bit the bullet and after a very nervous pregnancy I now have a beautiful 14 month old daughter.

Although our situations are slightly different, they are very similar. Having a baby brought up so much anxiety for me and I ended up developing postpartum OCD but, that being said, I am the happiest I've ever been and wish I had tried again sooner. I just held myself back through fear.

Please seek some counselling OP, I really wish I had and in ended up with all sorts of problems from not sorting out all the baggage.

And just as another opinion, my having a baby did actually take away the pain of the miscarriages, so I guess everyone is different. But I think getting help and speaking to someone would be a really good step in the right direction.

I really do feel for you though OP, I have been where you are and it was awful

Sorry for your loss, Powerof4. That’s a really good suggestion; to go to a counsellor who specialises in baby loss. Now that you mention it it’s obvious but not something I would have necessarily thought of. Thank you x

You're welcome llamakoala. Thank you for replying to people individually.

Miscarriage association email support was definitely helpful, I seem to recall they have a phone line too.

A lot of what I put into my rambling email to them was about feeling guilty that I still felt sad over the miscarriage when I had gone onto have a lovely baby. So it's strangely reassuring to hear that others have felt the same way. Of course, as another poster pointed out, it's different for everyone and that's ok too.

Good wishes xx

That's so tough. It's true that the important thing is to focus on what's good in your life now and count your blessings, but it's also important to prioritise what is truly important to you.

I hope your partner is aware of how you feel now, the sadness of seeing families around and feeling that gap in your life, and just how much you want to have children. Yes, there's no need to panic or worry or rush or put lots of pressure on it, but if you wait until the 'right' time financially the day may never arrive . . . So many people have children without being sorted financially.

Counselling sounds like a good idea. Very best wishes xx

I can definitely relate to that, theWarOnPeace. I worry know
that I’m becoming bitter. And of course, I don’t begrudge people for what they have- I just want it too! I’m hoping that it won’t come to that although it’s a decision that I know I’ll have to make within a year or two if things don’t change.

My partner is several years older, does very much want children and has been, shall we say a bit reluctant on the marriage issue (he said a couple of years in that he doesn’t “believe in marriage”) but I’m going to give it a little more time. Children are my dealbreaker, although I would very much like to be married too and for us both to have that security.

He has mellowed a little on that front lately and has always assured me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I think his reluctance on that side of things has been due to his work/financial situation but hopefully from next year this will change and then we can look at how we’re going to move forward (we don’t even live together- he wants to, but so far he’s in a position to).

He is wonderful with children and is adamant that he wants them. We’ve had many conversations about these things. I hope that once he’s sorted job-wise he’ll step up and properly plan our future- otherwise it’s more uncertainty and worry for me.

What a rough decision but I’m glad it was the right one for you and I’m glad that you had the family you craved x

musicposy, I’m so sorry that happened to you too and even more so that you were unable to try again after what you went through.

I’m glad that you’ve found some solace in your dog and glad she is recovering. I can’t have pets where I live but maybe a cat/dog one day. It’s harder to be sad when they are around, wagging their tail at you- and they’re so happy.

Thank you for what you said. I hope it does. And thank you for your wise words and support.

All the best to you xx