To expect him to choose me?

[NC4thispost98]

I've name changed for this because I'm worried I'll be outed if my pp are linked.

So my DP of 4 years (we have a 2 year old son together) has a mother who I have just found out has been trying get him to leave me for the past 3 years while being nice to my face. In fairness to her trees not helped by running to her (on 2 or 3 seperate occasions over the years) when we have been in significant relationship trouble. I understand he needs someone to talk to and I talk to my sister.

Since this came to light I wasn't nothing to do with her. I already thought there was something funny but assumed I was being paranoid. She nice to my face and I DID respect her. Would speak to her about private things. We have had a few choice words (possibly biased but I believe she was MUCH harsher) and are no longer talking. I will never trust her again.

DP is totally fine with me cutting her out and I've said that it is my decision and won't affect his relationship with her or our son. He knows he's unwittingly contributed to this. I just feel she should have been truthful and spoken to me given the relationship I THOUGHT we had and I feel like a mug.

But deep down I want him to choose OUR family. I won't tell him to do thlat though because it's unfair.

Help! Someone knock some sense into me before I am filled with resentment. We are supposed to get married next year and I don't want her smug face anywhere near our day. She has done a lot for him and I don't want him to resent me either.

congratulations on the engagement and pending wedding.

If you make him choose you will play into her hands , because you will seem unreasonable ( let her make that mistake ) if she comes to your wedding she should feel anything but smug.

Out of interest how did you find out she tried to split you up/ encouraged your part we to leave you? X

Are you in a position where you can talk to her? I know that’s probably the last thing you want to do (and that she deserves!!) but it might be worth it.... after you’ve cooled off a bit. Your DP hasn’t cut her out of his life, so unfortunately she’s always going to be in yours. As an outsider, and playing devils advocate, I really think you should find out why she wants you to break up and go from there. Speaking directly to her may not make the situation so bad anyway?

Thank you. The thing is he WAS going to cut her out before after argument between us and I actively encouraged him not to. Despite her being totally at fault (she's what you might call a control freak, rules her husband and tries to control her 2 adult children) and her refusing to apologise to me. I put it down to her being stubborn and didn't want a family fall out as sge has always done so much for DP and my son loves her. Now I wish I hadn't bothered!

I found out because another family member made a remark about her and me, I genuinely didn't click at the time as I thought we were fine. Thought about it a bit more and asked him outright so he trued to pacify me - by telling me she has encouraged him to leave me for years but I wasn't to worry because he doesn't listen!

Cue me saying to her about it and her criticising everythig from my house kerping to my parenting! She's clearly let it build up for a while. I feel like a fool. He's the only son and she's aways been a bitover the top, exes weren't good enough wtc but I really thought we got on!

I feel like she's also encoraged him to leave our son. I know its raw and im hurt but I cat believe it.

I will never give him an ultimatum. I suppose I just want reassurance this doesn't mean he doesn't love me enough.

Sorry for all my typos. 2 year old son crawling all over me. I just don't want this to cause issues between me and DP because I know that's what she wants andI also know he'll be feeling stuck because he has contributed towards it by speaking to her. But surely family are there to support amd listen, not control your life. How could she do this to her grandchild? Would she not rather he lived with his Daddy? Overall we have a good relationship, we have just fallen on hard times. She has had plenty with her H andI just feel its so hypocritical and sneaky pretending to be nice to my face. She'll be overjoyed she doesbt have to see me anymore but still my DP and son. Just feels unfair but I suppose I'll get over it once I've calmed down.

"She has always done so much for him" - like? More than what other parents do?

So has she basically been doing this since you got pregnant? It was quite a new relationship, and it does sound like it's been quite rocky?

I don't understand why you'd think he doesn't love you because he's not prepared to obliterate his relationship with his own parent? Why do you feel that love is about choosing between people?

You’re in for a lifetime of conflict, I won’t lie or butter this up. She clearly has issues with you and until either you separate from DP or she dies, this will continue.

It’s up to you how you handle it but don’t expect him to ditch her completely, sounds like he’s fairly close to her. MIL issues are complicated especially when your OH is close to his Mother.

@oneforthepain I know you're right. I suppose I just feel really hurt and that he doesn't seem to mind the abuse I've gotten.

I had PND so things were difficult for a while. Before that, when I was pg, he had some mental health issues and I ended up telling him if he didn't sort them out we were done. It did ther trick but ultimately in her eyes I hurt her son and she even admitted I'd got him to do what she couldn't so maybe some jealousy?

Thanks @pinkvoid. Im not close to my mum so have never wanted to get between them im just so annoyed right now.

If she is too toxic for you to be around then why are you exposing your DS to her?

I would probably walk away from this set up - I don't think things are going to improve.

TBH I think this is the issue when you tell other people of the issues in your relationship and then expect them to act like nothing has changed. Those in the relationship work it out and move on but to her you are still the person who hurt her child and she hasn't moved on

Sorry you’re in such a position, it can’t be easy.

Does your partner always go to his mum for advice when you’ve had a row?! There’s nothing wrong with that but maybe the light in which he has been casting you (while no doubt still bitter about whatever argument you’ve had) hasn’t been very nice and that’s why she seems to have such a negative view of you. It’s unfair as every relationship has its problems and if he’s unloading onto his mum- the most protective person of him- she is probably going to think that you and the relationship are no good for her darling son.
I’d try and have a sit down with his mum and explain that yours and his personal lives are between the two of you and that you can understand he needs someone to vent to, but that’s just it- venting!
Explain you’re not a bad person and you love her son very much and would hate there to be any animosity between the two of you and most of all her grandchild. You might find that she has literally only had one side of every argument and talking it through with her helps build a better relationship between the two of you.

As for your partner- I think he loves you very much but is caught between a rock and a hard place... very much of his own making if he runs to his mother and rants whenever you fight. I’m sure he wouldn’t leave you or his son, regardless how much his mum wants him to.

I say just organise a lunch, just you and her and get everything out on the table. Good luck!

Ok, I'm not going to dredge into your history or ask you to post the answer to this because it's none of my business, but do you think it's at all possible that this has activated older pain about other relationships in your past/life?

Just because you seem to be very intensely hurt and extrapolating this to mean all sorts of much bigger things that don't necessarily hold true at all for what's happened - and more intensely hurt than I'd expect from the situation you're describing (although I realise I'm not you).

The way you talk about him "running to" his mum and "contributing" to this by talking to her, and quite a few other things, are quite harsh and extreme characterisations of what's gone on here and what is actually perfectly normal behaviour (seeking parental support with difficulties).

If it has tapped into older pain or fears, then maybe just try to wait it out while those feelings run their course and try to step back a little to look at this more calmly, recognising some of your hurt isn't about this. It would be really sad if old pain reared its head and made this situation worse.

I get that this is unpleasant and a shock, but it strikes me that it's more likely to cause problems for you if you start cutting yourself out of family activities to avoid her. Her words weren't driving a wedge between you before, but if you start excluding yourself and making it feel uncomfortable for him to see her then it could actually cause friction that wasn't there before.

He made his own decision for three years, and it didn't involve acting on her words - isn't that more important to focus on?

She doesn't sound very nice but . . . Put yourself in her shoes. If your son was telling you things about his DP, probably when he's mad or upset, how would you feel about your sons DP? Has your DP made comments about your parenting or housekeeping? Things that shes picked up on? I don't tell my mum if my DP & I fall out / have an issue cos she will bring it up FOREVER! It's her way of being supportive, in her mind. I wouldn't, if I were you, let your DP go NC or go NC yourself, put your big girl pants on, be polite and try to act normal, go LC if you have to. She wont get one over you again as you know what shes like now. "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

Respect her as the mother of your partner. Tell him that, and others if they ask. It doesn’t mean you have to like her.

Chances are she will never like you. You can’t control they, but you can control your reaction.

There is no need to socialize with her beyond family events. Let your partner have the relationship he wants with her. Don’t badmouth her to him or anyone in common circles.

Remember, you hold the power here, not her, vis a vis your partner.

Thank you so much everyone. You really are helping me rationalise this.

Perhaps I don't fully understand as I don't have a good relationship with my own mum? I think the thing it's I really trusted her, we've even spoken after some issues and she seemed so supportive. We chatted all the time and I really saw her as the mother figure I never had stop it's a huge slap in the face to realise not only has she been saying these things to him but to at least one other family member.

No the house keeping/parenting thing is literally just because if how her life is. She's very old fashioned and believes women should work AND do all the child care and house keeping and look after 'their man'. She does this in her home but also only gives her H an allowance and all his salary are paid directly to her. I just seen it as different strokes for different folks but I've clearly not been matching up expecting DP to take a hand in it all.

He doesn't run every time no but the few occasions it's been serious he's spoken to her and I am fine with that because it can be harder for men to share things (stereotypically).

She hasn't tried to contact me and had DP and our son over without me so I don't feel bad stepping back. DP knows how much I have tried with her even though she's difficult at times.

Thank you all again. I suppose I just felt that our family unit is our family but I haven't had the benefit of close parental relatuonships myself.

I'm not going to cause any issues and just see how things go

Good for you, you sound very sensible, she sounds like a nightmare. Rise above it, I'd be very hurt too, good luck

I initially thought you were mad letting her win by spending time with DP and DC without you there but i realised that would be totally unhealthy.
Well done for stepping back and not forcing a black and white outcome.

In the end i think your approach will do good for your relationship.

I didnt trust my mil with my son and would never allow a visit unsupervised by me (i even wouldnt let DH take him to the shop alone incase he was secretly meeting her there.... crazy) but it caused alot of angst and we argued all the time.

Eventually i discovered that i was right and DH cut contact of his own accord but i seriously risked our relationship by forcing myself inbetween their relationship (although it was more to do with my son not being told mommy is a bitch yes she wasnt a subtle woman and less to do with DH. Although i did feel he was taking sides when he didnt believe she hated me and continually slighted me. So i dont know)

So i know how you feel about taking sides.
I think he should have chosen you too, but when i think about it.... i dont know if i would take my DH seriously if he asked me to stop seeing my family for a similar issue.
It really does depend on their relationship.
Perhaps he will keep seeing her but to a lesser extent if she keeps trying to convince him to leave you ( and mist likely dc)
People dont like being told how crap their loved ones are and i imagine if she does continue putting you down (very likely as you wont be there to be fake to) he will naturally... move away from her.