I find my friend draining.

[Mypillowsmellsofroses]

I don't know what to do about my best friend. Although in some ways her life circumstances are not great, I feel like she is always miserable, negative, picky and ungrateful about everything even before a couple of recent bad experiences. She is incredibly indecisive and wants to talk endlessly about different options on major decisions without every coming to a conclusion. These discussions can go on for years (literally) and are just so energy draining. She says things to provoke people and get into fights with them including me but I try not to rise to the bait then she wonders why people reject her and she makes out she is the victim. She gets angry when I don't take her (unasked for advice). She often makes some judgement on my decisions and relationships so I've stopped telling her things because I don't want to start justifying myself. Everyday when I ask her how she is, it's always the same: a list of all the things that are wrong with her life. I am sympathetic to all her problems and I've tried for years to help her and suggest ways she can work things out but she plays the victim card constantly and nothing every changes. I'm finding it draining and it's bringing me down. I don't really enjoy talking to her much anymore. I'm so tired of it all but I love her. I don't know what to say to her anymore. If I told her how I feel I can imagine she would get very defensive and angry. What can I do to change things?

The first thing to understand is that you cannot change your friend, that is not in your gift. The next thing? Friendships are supposed to work two ways, with both of you benefiting from it, albeit perhaps at different times during the friendship. If you are no longer getting anything out of this relationship then your options are, do nothing and nothing will change, or tell her how you feel and deal with her reaction. You never know she might surprise you and react positively after thinking about it. Particularly if she values your friendship. If she falls out with you then it will be very much her loss more than yours I think. Good luck

Hmmm tricky one. I know a woman who is how you describe your friend. When I first met her, I felt so sorry for her as she just seemed to be so unfortunate! And she actually has had some horrible events in her life. But I later came to realise that she actually also has a really impressive way of doing her own "poor me PR". It's her social currency and actually, I think she sees her 'friends' as social currency too tbh. We don't speak anymore, since I once said no to her and called her out on her behaviour. I later found out that she'd pulled a similar stunt on another friend years before. She is actually shameless and will even use her own Dcs to preserve her victim status.

It's actually very toxic. I avoid her like the plague.

Anywho, 'scuse ramble. Next time, could you give her a listening ear for a reasonable length of time and then do a sort of joke-y headmistress-y "come on, let's do something fun instead of talking about this all day" type thing?

Though, maybe don't take my advice, my "Jane" went bananas when I attempted to swerve her .

Meant to say "come on Jane...".

That post of mine is really confusing otherwise. Like, who the hell is Jane?

Sorry .