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Original poster

Casual racism. WWYD?

27 replies

EvonneGoolagong · 30/05/2019 11:45

Today DD, 18 months, and I were in a big chain cafe in town. It was fairly quiet and DD was babbling away, smiling and waving. She has extremely red hair and often attracts attention and comments and several people had already said hello to her and mentioned her hair. I assume this is how we were identified as not being ‘foreign’.

A man, probably mid 60s, pasted on his way back from the toilet and stoped and said how lovely DD’s hair is. I thanked him and then he said:

“So happy too, not like all these foreign babies in town, crying their heads off all day.”

I replied “Well I’m not sure about that.” Trying to convey a sense of disapproval.

He then said “That’s because they don’t look after them properly.”

I said “I don’t think that’s right.” But he wasn’t looking at me and was just waving at DD and then left.

It unsettled me and I wish I had said something stronger or made my feelings even clearer.

What could I have said that would have got my point across better? Is it unreasonable to say something when you know there is little chance of changing someone’s view? Or unreasonable to say nothing?

OP posts:
Thequaffle · 30/05/2019 11:48

Ugh that’s a very annoying interaction. I think, just remember it and make sure you raise your baby better than that man was raised.

Original poster
EvonneGoolagong · 30/05/2019 11:50

Thanks. That’s a great way to look at it. I think it’s the total ignorance of it all and the idea that in his mind everyone must think it too, so he can say it to anyone, it not even occurring to him that it’s offensive.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 30/05/2019 11:54

You attempted too but he didn't pay any attention.
You can't change the mindset.
WWID? I look 'foreign' so only get the comments directed at me-sometimes I ignore, sometimes I bite and get sarcastic. It's tiring and pointless arguing with bigots.

LimeTreeGrove · 30/05/2019 11:58

You did disagree with him each time he said something, you didn't just let it go, so you did the right thing.

NCasVOuting · 30/05/2019 12:00

What a dick. I'd like to think I'd have been quick enough to look confused and say, "Je ne comprende pas", but I think I would have been too shocked to say anything.

Teddybear45 · 30/05/2019 12:02

I come from an Indian family where kids often pass for white and have red hair until about 5 or 6. One of my nephews has been spouting shit about how he’s white and ‘white children are cuter’ / ‘brown children are disgusting’ and so there’s a meeting scheduled pretty soon to discuss who has been feeding this to him. It’s being taken really seriously because it clearly came from the nursery or another parent who didn’t realise he’s Indian.

sheshootssheimplores · 30/05/2019 12:05

I’ve had similar and it takes your breath away doesn’t it!? Confused. You’re having a perfectly normal light and breezy conversation with a stranger, agreeing on something totally harmless, and suddenly they throw in an overtly racist comment and your nodding head suddenly stops dead on your neck Shock

If it helps I actually did pull a builder up on it on my house who was quoting for work. Said I didn’t like racist comments being said in my home and probably did embarrass him. He later emailed us to say he wouldn’t be quoting as he was too busy. I would guess that was because of me pulling him up 🙄

Original poster
EvonneGoolagong · 30/05/2019 12:06

Teddy that’s awful! I’m glad it’s being taken seriously but how upsetting to think people feed that shit to kids!

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 30/05/2019 12:09

Actually I don't think it is necessarily racist - he could quite easily be referring to the children of, say, all the white French tourists that he's seen in town. You're the one technically being racist by assuming that he's referring to babies with non-white skin.
Granted his meaning probably was what you think, but you're playing the assumption game just the same as he was so really you're no better.

Original poster
EvonneGoolagong · 30/05/2019 12:12

Ok Friar perhaps I should have said casual racism or xenophobia. Either way, not pleasant.

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 30/05/2019 12:17

No, not pleasant on the face of it, but don't always assume, ask the question. He might well have experienced a busload of tourists all ignoring their kids and have been upset about it - probably not, but......

showmethegin · 30/05/2019 12:57

DP and I had this conversation recently. I hate to use the 'B' word but I have noticed this happening a lot more frequently since the Brexit vote. I think a lot of racist people feel more emboldened saying things like this to other white people. It shocks me every time it happens. In the last month alone I have had this from a taxi driver, a lady serving me in a greengrocer, someone serving in a bar and a nurse!!!

FWIW you did the right thing. I think we all have a responsibility to pull people up on this; maybe if we all did they wouldn't feel like they could do it. I hate that white racists think because I am white I'll want to hear it. I really really hate it.

Original poster
EvonneGoolagong · 30/05/2019 13:09

Thinking about what you said Friar, really don’t think I am being racist. Making an assumption about what he meant, yes, but that isn’t racist. You highlighted that I may have used the wrong term, but that isn’t me being racist.

OP posts:
pocketcucco · 30/05/2019 13:15

I think the best reaction to something like this is to play ignorant.

“So happy too, not like all these foreign babies in town, crying their heads off all day.”

Sorry, what do you mean?

“That’s because they don’t look after them properly.”

What do you mean by that?

Not only is it fun to see them dig themselves into a hole or try to backtrack (most won't be overtly racist) it also subtly calls them out on their shit.

Enterthewolves · 30/05/2019 13:18

Ignore Friar, that’s ridiculous- of course he was being racist

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 30/05/2019 13:22

Unbelievable how he would even reach that conclusion, good or bad parenting doesn't pertain to any one racial demographic Shock

FriarTuck · 30/05/2019 13:22

but that isn’t me being racist.
It is because you're assuming that people would think that someone of a particular colour might not be looking after their children properly. If someone said that to me my first thought would be babies of people visiting this country from abroad - that's what foreign means, not a different colour. That's casual racism.

BogglesGoggles · 30/05/2019 13:25

Foreign=/= race. The word you are looking for is xenophobia.

IDontDrinkTea · 30/05/2019 13:25

To be honest, if someone has that deep-rooted racist beliefs, they are unlikely to be changed by a woman in a coffee shop. So it wouldn’t matter what you’d have said to him, you wouldn’t have changed his mind. I think what you did was the right thing, disagreed with him yet didn’t make a scene

Bobfossil2 · 30/05/2019 13:25

Er no Friar, she’s assuming that because of her understanding of context and of societal issues. Not because she is racist. Don’t be so ridiculous.

Namelessinseattle · 30/05/2019 13:26

I once saw a lady complain about a group of African customers I can’t remember what she said but she said it to a 6ft Scottish man who turned to her bigged up his accent and said I’m foreign do you think I should leave too. I nearly died laughing.

Theweasleytwins · 30/05/2019 13:29

I remember a woman complimenting my dt, then saying she would love her new granddaughter even though (her words) it will be half-cast

Didnt tell her what i thought, just nervous laughed as i was shocked

Original poster
EvonneGoolagong · 30/05/2019 13:30

Boggles I acknowledged earlier that I probably should have said xenophobia.

OP posts:
SpeckofStardust · 30/05/2019 13:36

Oh stop it Friar Tuck, arguing semantics and twisting it to make out the OP is the racist one in this scenario? Are you for real. Racist/xenophobic whatever - the man was a fucking bigot and stretching the benefit of the doubt to snapping point in order to extend it to him and people like him is how we got where we are. Too bloody scared to speak up in the face of genuine wrong because of the infinitesimally small possibility that what we see with our own eyes or hear with our own ears can be explained away with a million different improbable excuses. There are no two ways to interpret what the man said.

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/05/2019 13:36

Actually I don't think it is necessarily racist - he could quite easily be referring to the children of, say, all the white French tourists that he's seen in town. How does that work then? Putting up a job advert "No French people need apply" wouldn't be racist because it's French people being excluded, not non-white people? It's only racism if you're white and the person(s) you're talking about aren't?

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