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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re: Niblings’ Behaviour

24 replies

AwfulAuntie2019 · 30/05/2019 08:51

Dear wise ones of Mumsnet. Hoping for some input if possible.

My older brother is in a difficult marriage that he stays in out of comfortable misery and he thinks for the sake of his two DC. SIL is highly strung and chaotic and has wangled it so that her shift working job means that my brother does the bulk of the childcare and housework, despite working full time in his own uniquely stressful and at times traumatising job.

SIL struggles with the DC, and they have said at times they don’t like her. Due to her chaotic nature, hold ups and lateness, there is often a last minute childcare issue and she calls on her network of people that she uses to palm the kids off on. SIL is quite open about the fact that she enjoys exploiting people, and often comments she likes to drop kids off early and pick them up late. She also enjoys making scenes and complaining in shops, restaurants etc.

My brother is a great Dad, although quite soft and pandering to the DC. They want for nothing. Despite this, they will not play independently and demand constant attention from waking to sleeping. They are competitive and mostly fight with each other.

I have recently returned to the area and therefore have been added to the list of prospective babysitters. When I look after them however, I am really flabbergasted by their behaviour. They are rude, don’t do as they are asked, won’t go to bed. They have no manners, don’t say thanks for anything, even presents. We have a nice time up until a point where the balance tips, and they go feral. Not long ago, in response to being told off by DB, DNephew(6) announced he was going to kill himself and sat on the window ledge ready to jump!

The last time I looked after them, we reached the tipping point in my car. DNiece started asking me lots of rude personal questions (don’t want to completely out myself) about my finances, where I live, (I am living with DM at the moment whilst I get back on my feet). In the past they have made fun of my hair, weight, skin colour (I am mixed race so literally the black sheep in a white family) and the clothes I wear. Making it quite clear what is said about me in their house whilst I am not around!

I want to bring this up with my brother somehow. I’ve decided to stick to the facts about what they said and how it makes me feel, although I wish he would just divorce SIL as he is pretty much a single parent anyway. We aren’t that close so it’s not right to wade in with unsolicited opinions. In the past when I have addressed behaviour with him, like his DS stealing money from people’s purses, he got defensive.

But WIBU to stop looking after the kids until their behaviour improves? Writing all of this out I do feel sorry for them, but they really can be awful little shits! Not only that, I can’t stand the fakery of SIL and DB - happy to use me, but slag me off behind my back!

Sorry it was long, but context is needed. Thanks for reading this far.

OP posts:
recrudescence · 30/05/2019 08:59

But WIBU to stop looking after the kids until their behaviour improves?

No you wouldn’t and I think this is how you should frame it with your bro and SIL. Put aside all the other issues and focus on what the kids say and do when they are with you. Be very plain about what you will not accept.

fedup21 · 30/05/2019 09:02

If you’re not that close, just say no to Looking after them. They all sound like a nightmare

Candleglow7475 · 30/05/2019 09:03

I wouldn’t comment on anything except the kids behaviour. When you are asked to baby sit, politely decline and say factually no because they were very rude to me and won’t respond to my instructions. Keep it completely factual.

Sicario · 30/05/2019 09:06

You sound like you have far more important things to do than to look after your DB's kids. And his marriage is his business, not yours. I don't have anything to do with my brother and his wife any more. She's a complete nightmare, but that's his business.

So don't feel bad about saying you're not looking after the kids any more. I wish you the best of luck with getting back on your feet. That's the important thing for you. Everything else is just noise.

Darkstar4855 · 30/05/2019 09:12

YANBU. I would not be providing free childcare for children who behaved like that and I would be telling my brother exactly why not.

YABU for using the term “niblings” though Hmm

Original poster
AwfulAuntie2019 · 30/05/2019 11:24

Thanks for the responses everyone and the well wishes.
@Darkstar4855, you are right, niblings is cringe Blush

Maybe I do care too much. I have not been around that much in their lives as I lived in a different city and have been an inconsistent presence. So I wanted to try and build a relationship with them.

Shall I wait until they ask me again or bring it up the rude behaviour?
I really want to point out that kids are a product of their environment, what is the point in enduring a shitty marriage if the kids you get out of it aren't even going to be nice people? I won't say that obv, but really wish I could!

OP posts:
Candleglow7475 · 30/05/2019 11:51

If it’s recent ie last few days I’d call and say it was really difficult looking after x & y because ..... if it was a bit ago I’d leave it until they ask again and then explain why.

KC225 · 30/05/2019 11:56

Your post comes across as if childcare and their behaviour is all down to SIL. It's very clear you don't like her. But you have no right to wish he divorce her one moment then say 'we are not that close' the next. How do you know they are talking behind your back if you are not that close.

You say one of the children is 6 so with the competition and bickering, I would assume the other one is a similar, probably a younger age. Children of that age are annoying, they can be full on and ask lots of personal question but to be fair they shouldn't be stealing and they should have some manners. I don't think you should comment on their behaviour, what about your Mother, perhaps she is in a better position to do this or step forward to instill some manners or routine. It is perfectly OK to stop looking after them though, tell you brother 'No, it was too much last time - they don't listen to me, I'll try again when the are older' hopefully this will stop them asking you.

mbosnz · 30/05/2019 12:01

My older brother is in a difficult marriage that he stays in out of comfortable misery - I have to say I love this phrase, it very neatly sums it up!

I'd be saying, 'no, sorry, I'm not part of the babysitting tree. I find them too difficult to deal with at this point, I'm really not up to the challenge'.

Original poster
AwfulAuntie2019 · 30/05/2019 12:08

@KC225
Your post comes across as if childcare and their behaviour is all down to SIL. It's very clear you don't like her. But you have no right to wish he divorce her one moment then say 'we are not that close' the next. How do you know they are talking behind your back if you are not that close.

How does it come across that way? Just because we have grown apart, it doesn't mean I don't want what is best for him or for him to be happy. Obviously I know everyone has to go their own way in life. I do know he is miserable however. I have had limited dealings with her because I have not been around, but she doesn't get on with my DM, who has countless tales of her rudeness and exploitation. The kids talk about how she shouts, how messy she is, how she locks herself in the toilet and goes on her phone.

I know they talk about me behind my back because of what the kids were taunting me about the other day.

OP posts:
Baloonphobia · 30/05/2019 12:14

I wouldn't babysit again. Your brother's marriage is none of your business though.

Outanabout · 30/05/2019 12:25

I'd stay out of it completely. I couldn't be arsed looking after cheeky rude children anyway. You don't have a duty to say Yes to anything.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 30/05/2019 12:47

I wouldn’t babysit again. It shouldn’t be a given that you would. As for the children’s rudeness towards you and their behaviour in general that’s down to both their parents. Your brother doesn’t get a free pass to because his wife is a bit of a dickhead.

ArfArfBarf · 30/05/2019 12:53

Obviously you don’t have to babysit at all regardless of the behaviour of the kids.

Sorry if this is a bit harsh, but do you think you could be focusing on all the problems you perceive in your brother’s life as a distraction from the fact that things aren’t going the way you planned in your own life at the moment?

ElizaPancakes · 30/05/2019 13:23

Sorry OP but I agree with @KC225.

Anyway, 90% of your OP isn't relevant. The children are rude and unkind to you - that's enough of a reason to decline to be a free babysitter.

It's entirely up to you whether you want to tell your brother it's because his children are badly behaved or just say you can't you're busy.

bluebluezoo · 30/05/2019 13:25

What’s a nibling?

CripsSandwiches · 30/05/2019 13:27

I feel sorry for those kids sounds like they've been affected by their home life. That said it's not your problem (or probably within your ability) to fix. I would try to make myself available as a support to dB but not be an on call babysitter. If asked why I'd give a true but tactful answer.

Tistheseason17 · 30/05/2019 13:28

I would have other plans every time a request to babysit from them was received. I'd even set the text template up as "ahh, I'm so sorry, can't help on this occasions as I have other commitments" then don;t respond when they ask what your commitments are. No is enough.

RubberTreePlant · 30/05/2019 14:02

What’s a nibling?

I'm wondering the same.

Original poster
AwfulAuntie2019 · 30/05/2019 14:12

I thought the context was useful as I was ready to be told IWBU in refusing to look after them given there is a reason for their behaviour and my DB doesn't have it easy, but there has been a unanimous result thus far. There is some guilt on my part having not been around, but that doesn't mean I have to be used and abused I guess.

@bluebluezoo it refers to the children of your siblings.

OP posts:
maras2 · 30/05/2019 14:24

I'm 65 and have never heard the term 'Nibling' Shock
Ah well, every day's a school day.
Oh, and just refuse to childmind until they learn some manners.

Drum2018 · 30/05/2019 14:35

There's no way I'd mind them. Take yourself off the list of doormat babysitters that your db and sil have compiled. And if pressed for a reason do say that they are a handful/rude. You are not obliged to mind them out of some misplaced sense of guilt for not being in their lives since they were born. You have your own life to concern yourself with. If your db prefers to stay in an unhealthy marriage and raise bratty children then that's not your problem.

KC225 · 30/05/2019 14:39

No one has said you should look after them. In fact I think everyone has said don't look after - there is no need to feel guilty. You don't say if you are a parent but it comes across as perhaps not - but sometimes, it doesn't go as planned.

I appreciate it's hard to support someone who appears cold and rude but some of the things you list make your SIL sound like she's not coping very well.

My twins are older now but I remember shutting myself in the loo just to have a break, I have shouted and separated fights hourly and I have let the washing pile build up. Not my finest parental moments but human ones. Young children and full time shift work is a big ask without proper planning and organisation. Rather than comment on the children's behaviour suggest changes he can make - cleaner for a few hours a week perhaps, child minding/babysitter booked regularly etc.

LadyVox · 30/05/2019 16:14

I like the phrase nibling personally! For those wondering, it’s a blend of niece/nephew and sibling.

OP, I would definitely refuse to look after them. They need to be aware of how badly behaved their kids are and you are under no obligation to put up with it.

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