To not feel able to support my friend?

[Pringlefan]

I know I’m unreasonable, but go gently on me.

I am going through a tough time at the moment, I’m off with work related stress, I’m on antidepressants, I’m struggling financially. I work in mental health, so it’s a bit ironic I am suffering myself, and even more important that I am right before I go back.

At work I made a good friend, who listens to me and is a shoulder for me to cry on absolutely without fail, she’s an absolute angel.

What I’ve noticed lately is that when we’ve spoken and I’ve ended up having a good cry (it doesn’t happen every time, but because I’m a bit of a mess at the moment it does happen the majority of the time) within a couple of days she will also text me in some kind of emotional turmoil. Of course, I ring her, and we have a heart to heart, because I want to be a good friend back to her like she is to me, but honestly I just don’t know if I can cope with it any more. I just don’t have the headspace and emotional capacity to listen to her, and I feel really really dreadful saying that, but it’s the truth.

I don’t know if listening to me stirs up her own emotions and we’re triggering each other?
Her issues are quite different to mine, she used to have an eating disorder, which she now has under control, but she does need a lot of reassurance about her looks and weight, and she also gets stressed about work. Both of these topics are hard for me to listen to because I’ve gained a lot of weight since being off work, and obviously I feel rubbish about not being at work... in my mind I only wish I had my life together as well as she does.

I really don’t know what to do about this and whether I should try and cool off this friendship? She’s one of the closest friends I have, I am single and I have no close family, it makes such a huge difference to me to have her support, but I just at the moment I just feel I can’t return the favour in the way that I should be able to. She does have a partner and a lot of close family so I don’t feel she needs me as much as I need her ... this isn’t a very equal / healthy friendship is it? I just don’t know what to do about it?

Sorry you are struggling at the moment but I do think you are being unreasonable. She obviously feels she can confide in you as you do in her, especially if as you say the majority of times you end up crying.

It's not up to you to decide you can offload on her and she can off load on her partner and her family. How do you even know they would be supportive? And your comment about 'you wish you had it as together as her' really lacks empathy. I know mental health can make you a bit blinkered but come on - that is too far.

I think rather cutting off a good friend, maybe suggest planning an 'activity' going to the theatre or cinema or a talk, zumba class, or a stroll round a museum. Suggest something upbeat 'to take our minds off it' I am not dismissing your mental health issues but it could be a way to stop the 'emotional' by pass between the two of you and still keep the friendship. But first, I suggest you apply for you counselling - maybe professional help may be more beneficial.

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Sorry the question mark was a bump I didn’t see your answer KC!

Thanks for the reply, I agree with everything you say. The ‘doing’ rather than talkingh sounds healthier and I think you’re right about me needing to seek professional support. Finances are my worry there, but I think you are right that it would be good if I could.

I am sorry OP but you really can't expect to take without giving back. Also, just because your friend has a DP and close family, it doesn't mean that she doesn't need you.

I wonder too whether your illness is having an impact on your thinking. Once you are feeling better, you might regret pushing away a good friend who from what you have described values you highly. Kind, generous and loyal friends are precious, don't damage a solid friendship lightly.

I think it's good that you've realised you can't be as good a friend to her as she is to you. If you don't feel able to listen to her problems and support her then I think you need to take a step back and stop confiding in her.
The eating disorder comment is so absolutely unreasonable, fyi. Regardless of your weight, she has (and will always have, on some level) an eating disorder. You've somehow managed to make that about you. The lack of empathy is quite astonishing, especially as she's so seemingly supportive of you. She deserves a better friend than you can be at the moment.

OP. Please have a chat with your GP and see if there are some counselling you can access. What about work? Is there anything that can be accessed there?

I am glad you are reconsidering ending your friendship. Good friends are hard to find OP. Whilst you need to focus on yourself at the moment just shift the focus for time being.

Hope you feel better soon.

I really agree that it's worth trying to do something uplifting together and get out of the habit of dwelling on your miseries. Friendships that are nothing more than exchange of gloom are draining on both of you. Go out dancing or have her round to watch a comedy box set - help each other cheer up.

Perhaps she feels the same way about you crying and getting upset every time you speak to her about your problems?

It's not unreasonable for you to feel that you can't support her, but if that's the case, then you absolutely cannot expect her to support you either.

It's fair enough if you think you can't support her, but you can't expect her unconditional support either.

She's not your therapist,she's your friend. You should go back to the gp and see what's available in terms of help, or see if there's any help available through your work.

I agree that finding an activity to do together would be healthier, it might get you both away from the habit you’re in of talking about your problems. It does seem to be unhelpful for both of you.

And yes, therapy for yourself would be a good idea. That way you won’t feel the need to confide in your friend so much.

I’m sorry but I’m also unimpressed with your comment about her eating disorder, it did seem out of order.. And just because she has a partner and close family doesn’t mean she’s necessarily in a better place than you are. I have a lovely DH and DDs, but it doesn’t make my PTSD or low self esteem magically go away. It doesn’t work like that.

You’re all right. I am being very selfish and I think i just needed to hear it said to me.

I don’t think I have said anything bad about her eating disorder? I know it’s a very real problem for her, I’m not denying that for a minute, I was just saying I find it hard to listen to. Validating her healthy food choices and reassuring her she has done a sensible amount of exercise, when I am at that moment in bed having spent the last 2 days there, eating my way through a loaf of bread, is painful for me.

And about her having a partner and family, all I meant was that if we can’t be friends then I think of the two of us she would suffer the least. In my own probably messed up logic I’m trying to show that I know I’m being shitty but I’m not acting in my own best interests if I pull away, I think the friendship is worth more to me than her, but I will pull away if it’s what needs to happen... as you point out, I can’t take in a relationship but not give. I’m just empty without anything to give. I’m trying to do the right thing by her considering that being a good friend is getting beyond what I can do.

I think that trying to change the dynamic a bit though so it’s less emotionally demanding on both of us is a sensible thing to do though, so thanks I will give it a try.

I think you shouldn't ignore your hunch that you are triggering each other off. Do you think it would work if you spoke with her or wrote a letter to her saying that you value her friendship but this is worrying you so you need to not be in contact for a while and then re-engage with friendship in a more positive way - such as doing things together. Cooling off a friendship without explaining can be very hurtful. Best wishes to you.

Does your union offer a helpline?

Its not that you said anything bad about her eating disorder.

But you have turned it into being about you.

Sometimes, mental health problems can make us very selfish. Not always but they can.

You are making her issues about you. You cant support her and keep talking about how much better off she is than you. You cant keep using her just because you need her more.

Google co counselling. It's a reciprocal way of supporting by listening to each other but with defined times and rules. If you both took a look at how it works, recognise that you both have the need to express what's going on for you It could be a supportive, safe way for both of you to be heard without it taking such a toll on your wellbeing.