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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask how you resolve arguments?

3 replies

wonderinwhy · 29/05/2019 18:11

I’ve been with my partner a long time and we have young children. We’ve had a rocky couple of years and the one common theme is a lack of being able to resolve any arguments. Whatever the disagreement is, as soon as I try to start a chat about the situation, he becomes angry and gets up and leaves. This would be fine if we could then come together at a later date/time to go through the conflict and get to a resolution but that never happens. I’ve tried but he refuses to engage in that process and I’m basically shut down. That means that I’m left to deal with whatever the issue was without resolution or chatting it through. I just wondered if I’m BU to expect some sort of conflict resolution process and how others do this in their long term relationships? I’m feeling pretty resentful and bitter right now and I think that’s because I’m never able to air any grievances in a constructive manner. Our most recent disagreement I tried emailing him my thoughts and feelings, as once again, the moment I opened my mouth he got up and left the room. I then got back a vitriolic reply, accusing me of trying to control the conversation and then saying that he refuses to engage with me any more in the future on my terms. This has left me in a position where it’s impossible to voice my needs or issues with our relationship and for us to resolve anything or agree to disagree...is that normal? For what it’s worth, I have my own counsellor who is also a bit flummoxed by his approach. My partner has then spent the following week trying to hug and kiss me and engage in “normal” chat but there’s still this underlying argument that never got resolved. Any advice would be really appreciated!

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 29/05/2019 18:17

Would he consider joining you in therapy so you can chat through it together? Never letting you speak about how you feel is just awful and leaves you totally alone. My DH always listens even if he doesn't agree, I'd honestly leave someone if they didn't want me to have a voice. It's sort of saying that you need to be happy all the time or he won't engage with you.

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 18:18

Well, we tend to have our best arguments discussions via skype, where neither of us can overwhelm the other, and we can think about what we are saying.

wonderinwhy · 29/05/2019 18:24

We tried that neatfreakmama but it really didn’t work. It just became an hour of him saying hurtful things and me spending the time trying to defend myself. We’ve tried a few different joint counsellors so I’m not sure it’s the right process for us. Both people have to be open to it and willing to listen and take stuff on board. It might be worth trying again though. I just feel resentful right now that it’s always me booking that stuff up and making the effort.

OP posts:
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