To not know whether I should have another baby or prioritise finances: working mums please

[thinkingnotspeaking]

I am stuck. I really cannot decide whether to have a third child. I want one, I really do. I have two already, both preschool age. I would love a bigger family. I am a reasonably high earner (not very high) and mine and DH's combined income is good.

But I know that if I stick with my two children, I can offer them financially a much better life, help them through university, help with deposits, take them on holidays, and hopefully pay for private school. If I have a third, well private school would definitely be off the cards, holidays would be much cheaper, and things would be financially tighter.

I have a very demanding job, I work 3-4 days/week. DH works full time. I also worry about the juggle, splitting my time further and not giving them enough attention, my future health (I'm 39), and the stress of having a third as we don't have any family support.

WWYD? I am very undecided! I am only looking for replies from working mums really as I think the situation is different if you are a SAHM and can devote more time to your kids. No offence meant by that, I just think the situation is different to mine.

I've never gone from 2-3 So I haven't got an answer or any useful advice really. Also watching with interest as I would love another baby but know it would add a massive strain to family life when there's 2 working parents.

We stopped at 2 for the reasons you mentioned. I think in an ideal world we’d have had 3 but we have a nice quality of life right now and have options that would close to us with another child. Three maternity leaves would have taken their toll on my career whichever way I’ve gave spaced out the children and as it is we can devote a decent amount of time to each child even when they’re not doing the same thing (mine are older and this is increasingly the case)
That said I’ll always feel sad we didn’t try for another and I think if I were to accidentally get pregnant we’d both be quite happy with a third.

We went from two to three with a bigger age gap (8 years) due to the things you've mentioned. We prioritised and decided a third child was worth the sacrifice of expensive holidays, a new car etc.

We can still afford holidays, we just have to save and not go once a year for the big ones. We're not high earners but private school was never important to us as we had a good state, we're both university educated and could help plus we could afford to top up with private tuition should any of them need it in a subject later on.

If your priority is private school and big holidays, don't. If your priorities can drop slightly to accommodate, do.

I stopped at 2 because that's more than enough. If I had had more children, of course I would have loved them, but imo there are other very important issues to consider. Finances, time, having to take maternity leave, childcare, space in the home, etc. I very quickly decided that 2 children created the perfect balance. Never underestimate the importance of quality of life.

It sounds like you have good, solid reasons for stopping at 2. There is no shame in prioritising the children you have over a potential child you could have, and it sounds like by sticking with two you could really give amazing support (emotional, social and financial) to the children you have already.

We stopped at two as well for similar reasons. My two are 9 and 6 now so I think that ship has sailed although I am still in my 30s and technically we “haven’t ruled it out”.

The other thing that helped us decide was both of my two wer terrible sleepers and I also had a PPH after both births so it all felt a bit risky.

In the end I made the decision that I would rather be a good mum to two and a bit sad about not having 3 than be a rubbish mum to 3. Maybe I would have been good with a third too but I wasn’t willing to risk it.

As it has turned out my eldest is really really sporty and coping with all her sports plus ensuring that ds doesn’t lose out is more than enough to leave both me and Dh exhausted!

Thank you, they are all supportive and kind messages. My heart is definitely with a third (I love being a mum), but my head says the opposite. The holidays we could easily live without, they are not really important for us.
Private school is a factor, we were both state educated and didn't have the best experience, so wanted private secondary as an option. We would probably have to move for a good state secondary. We definitely couldn't afford private with three.
Space wise we are ok, we have a big enough house so everyone could have their own bedroom, and enough living space. But if we were moving for the secondary, we would obviously have to buy at least as big a property elsewhere.
Career wise I would be fine too, a third period of maternity leave would have no bearing on my progression. But it would obviously be another year on maternity pay, and therefore low income, but we could cope.

My friend was in your position and she went for a third. She will return to work when she finds the right job, as she wasn't happy at her last job. When she returns, she plans to get an au pair to help balance everything. I was back and fourth for a while about a third, as I was working when I had my first, but after my second didn't return to work. I was in the middle of studying to train to work in a different industry, but decided to go for the third, continue studying part time to eventually work. I thought about a third for 6 years and did not want to regret. Now that I am pregnant with a third, no regrets, hoping I feel the same after third arrives :) But I would only do it if you are in a comfortable position. For example, we have a big chunk of savings, own our house, can afford outside help etc. If we were struggling to pay the bills I would not go for it. As, I would want to provide a nice life for the family. Kids can do extra activities, we have a dog etc. But some families expand their family even if they are in debt....up to them! But I would not, unless financially comfortable.

Also, as for the secondary school, perhaps not all kids need private schooling? Maybe two are more suited for it. Or maybe more money will come your way that time.

I had a third in very similar position (and age) to you. We have good jobs but children are expensive... I’ve never prioritised money (hence never have it!) and wouldn’t put financial sense before completing my family.

He came on month 3 of trying. Any longer and I may have bottled out! I never found newborns very easy.

Our son (now 4, and life finally easier) has brought a lot of happiness to us all.

It’s a tough one, go with your gut rather than heart or head??

I feel like I could have wrote your post myself! My kids are preschool age too with a 15 month age gap between the two. We are considering a third and have decided to go for it when ds is 3 and see what happens.

In your situation I would definitely consider your health, what were your previous pregnancies like?Also, finances is your home owned outright or mortgaged? Impact on your other children, do you do many activities? Ferrying around two kids to activities with a newborn won't be easy. Also what would you do for childcare, wrap around hours etc. Will you need a bigger car? In terms of schooling could you afford tuition to plug gaps if local secondary school is poor or is private school something you won't budge on? This was a stickler for me too as I could afford to send my two to private school on my current wages but I would have to be frugal. Sending three kids for us just isn't a possibility so we are poised to move in the next 5 years if the local state school does not improve. Is your partner hands on or will you be doing the bulk of the childcare? What about organising your household, cleaning, daily chores, what's the split between you like? My dh is more than capable and willing to share the above chores and daily grind which definitely impacted on my wanting a third.

In your situation I would go for it. Best wishes for whatever you decide.

Would you be happy to give up work if your third DC had any kind of disability that meant they needed full-time care?

Would it be an issue if DC 3 was actually twins or triplets?

I'm not trying to rain in your parade, but these are options you should definitely be considering.

I know 2 women who went for a 3rd from a similar situation to yours. Both have had to give up their careers (& the holidays & lifestyle that came with it).

1 is now a full-time carer for DC3, with 2 older children who feel pushed aside due to the (completely understandable) demands of the 3rd.

The other is now a mum to 4 kids after DC3 turned out to be twins. She loves them of course, but admits that she is struggling, has very little 1 on 1 time with her elder DC & has had to cut back on all their afterschool activities & holidays due to cost & logistics.

Obviously your DC3 could be perfectly healthy & slot into your family & working life easily, but there are no guarantees.

The last person I know that went from 2 to 3 is now single and wishing she had remained at 2. Time, finances etc are all pressed and the other children have had to accommodate a new baby changing everything.

Very easy to just look at the here and now but would your salary realistically cover 3 should your relationgo pear shaped or your DH fell ill etc and vice versa.

I'd be protecting the children already here.

Have a think about where you can compromise - private school for secondary only not primary? Move house to one where state schools are better? I’m a working mum of 3 and it’s hard (I’m 42) but we would always have regretted not having a third.

I have 2 (ages 7 and 2.5 years) and am pregnant with our third. We were in two minds about having a third but got a surprise. I am 38 and the pregnancy has been much harder this time than the last two were. We have said no more as the constant hospital trips have had a big effect of my kids.

In terms of money it’s what you are happy to cut back on. Are holidays important? They are to me but we don’t have fancy expensive ones so can still afford them. My career has had to take a back step as ds1 has additional needs which were not diagnosed till nearly 5. It’s definitely something to consider as you could have a child with needs plus as someone pointed out too you could end up with twins etc.

I personally see no need for private schools but we do have excellent schools where I am so that’s probably why. What are your plans for childcare? Can you afford the extra crazy cost of childcare? Have you factored in things like getting childcare or family to help with 3 kids is much harder?

Also think about things like after school activities I find it’s already a juggling act getting my oldest 2 to activities plus work, housework, cooking etc. It’s going to be much harder when i have 3 but I do have a good gap between ds1 and ds3 so that helps.

I had the third. I didnt realise how much it would impact tbh. I wouldnt be without him at all but it did put huge pressures on my marriage and amount of time I can give each child

I’m in very similar circs to you and am certain about sticking at two. I don’t want a third but, even if I did, I hugely value the freedom and extra money I now have and couldn’t face starting again.

Hey @thinkingnotspeaking , I am in a similar position!

Did you go for a third baby in the end or not?

And how are you feeling about this “third potential” baby 3 years later?

We stopped at 2 and as FT working parents with zero help, even juggling extracurricular activities for 2 was a struggle. I also struggled with loss of freedom and personal space and can only imagine how much worse it would have been with a third one added into the mix.