Attention seeking and genuine or over friendly ?

[chanellover]

Am at a loss here so I'm asking for opinions and advice aswell. I'm confused as to where the line is in a male female platonic friendship. What's acceptable , what's not and what to do. I'm a married woman with children, early forties . I am
Committed and happy with my husband . My children are of course my world . I am friendly with a man who is in his early thirties .he is in a relationship . I don't know too much about her as he does not refer to her in conversation . If there's I s anything untoward here, I need to shoot it down as fast as possible which is why I'm
Posting .

I work with my friend in a huge organisation but am physically in his proximity every day . We socialise together as part of a group and would be considered firm Friends .he knows my family and blends very easily with my husband and children .

He has begun to use messenger to contact me every single evening ... funny jokes/ memes/ videos , work chat/ family chat etc . I reply to one in three . I don't have time or interest in this . He says nice things to me about me as a person and about my physical Appearance . He has started to send inappropriately sexual videos ... just jokes/ memes etc but inappropriate nonetheless. The more he does this the more i don't reply . He suggests nights out or concerts that we have mutual
Interest on, on our own . He suggests lunch/ coffee / visiting his home City . I ignore these. So the more I seem to ignore, the more he messages me , the more compliments he types and the more pins he tries to suggest.

At work, he will spend his free time at my desk, in my vicinity and direct conversation at me in a group. He likes to hug , he is like that as a person. Warm, engaging, demonstrative .

There is no sexual element to this but I'm wondering if he is headed this way. I have no evidence to say he has attraction towards me .Can I ask your opinion and advice please

I tbink that you neex to work on very strong bounderies around this friendship. He needs to be put firmly back into work colleague zone as he is pushing for something more than friends and is acting very unprofessionally.

Oh and keep a record of his communication with you as you may need it for HR purposes at some point

Why do say about hr. do you think that he will get more intense

Yes, he will get more intense. He's already getting more intense. The first time he sent you anything inappropriately sexual he crossed the line. Block him on the messaging apps. Be friendly and polite at the office but do not engage him more than you need to. And keep records of everything.

Yes, I agree with PP. He sounds a bit harassy. I would start by next time he messages you something inappropriate responding with something like ‘please stop sending me inappropriate sexual material. You’re making me uncomfortable.’ Show him your boundary and see what he does.

Next time he comes to your desk make yourself look busy and grey rock him.

Next invitation out respond with ‘I’ll see if DH is free.’

If he ignores your boundaries then you’ll need to escalate things.

This doesn’t sound like a friendship, OP. The issue isn’t about where the line is in a male/female platonic relationship. The issue is that he’s pushing this, and is oblivious to what you want, whether he’s doing it deliberately or not.

You will need to be much more direct, and less passive. Tell him that you’re not interested in contact outside work. Tell him never to send you inappropriate messages. Tell him you don’t want to meet him outside work. Tell him you don’t do hugs, and not to touch you.

You don’t need to be a passive bystander in your own life, OP. You don’t have to sit and wonder why this feels uncomfortable. Extricate yourself. He’s not a friend.

Of course there is a sexual element to this - on his part. I would be very uncomfortable about this, particularly where he's sending you sexual messages.

I think you're going to have to be really forthright and tell him - in a return message - not to send you any more messages. Then I wouldn't reply to any of his messages at all, unless they are work emails and about work.

The hugs would make me really uncomfortable, too, given his agenda. Does he behave like this with others? Can you confide in your line manager?

No he is not like this with others, yet when I confided ina colleague friend, she said that this is just the way he is! Funny thing is I always thought he was gay. I do feel unsettled now

Don’t ignore inappropriate messages. Respond with ‘stop sending me inappropriate messages’

I think you do have to tell him you are feeling uncomfortable. Ignoring him hasn’t helped so he’s not getting the message.

The sexual Messages are videos with humorous sexual undertones . They are not specifically directed about me . Although he has commented on my physical
Attributes on more than one occasion, under a veil of a compliment . We are such good mates that I would hate to get him into trouble because he can be a little strange at times and I accept that but I am definitely feeling unnerved

The sending of sexually related messages is telling to me. As is wanting to see you socially on your own. Especially with the 2 together. It sounds like he's trying to move you towards having a sexual relationship with him. I would start shutting him down.

When he suggests a night out, you could make reference to your husband, eg. "I'm not sure if that's DH's thing, hang on, I'll ask him". Another example: "I don't think my husband would like that." Make it clear you're loyal to your dh.

I would stop (or move towards stopping) messaging him in the evenings; create some distance between you.

I would reply saying I didn’t want to receive those sexual messages/videos, it’s not my humour and it’s not appropriate. That would be very clear that I’m not interested in these interactions and hopefully he would stop.

Friendly male-female platonic relationships include respecting boundaries. And if you're feeling uncomfortable then he most definitely is not respecting you. Trust your gut feeling, not what other colleagues tell you! Get yourself out of that relationship pronto. It spells trouble with a capital "T" to me.

He will escalate things op hence a 'paper trail' for HR purposes.

I am not one to lack confidence but I cannot see what he hopes to achieve here . He is in a relationship. He knows I'm happy on my life and have no intention of pursuing anything other than platonic friendship. I am years older than him . We are at completely different life stages so I can not understand what is going on in his head ? I do not see what the attraction is here . Is it that I have zero interest in him I wonder and pull him up on being a twat at times when he seems to charm all others around him ???

It doesn’t really matter what his motives or intentions are, just make it clear you are not going to encourage it

You need to stop ignoring and spell it out to him that his messages are inappropriate and are making you uncomfortable, please stop. Involve HR if no joy.
This has already moved away from the platonic friendship territory and needs nipping in the bud sharpish and very firmly.