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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and commitments - football related!

54 replies

Anythingbutfootball · 28/05/2019 22:42

DH is sport mad. Great, love having fit and active husband.
DH plays footie every Friday night, plus training every Wednesday.
DH also takes DSS to training every Monday, Thursday (Which is a walking distance from his house) and to every game on a Saturday. Great, it's important that he does that.
However this means that weekly if I wanted a date night with him or to use the car I can't until some point on a Saturday afternoon, earliest lunch time.
This week DH doesn't have a game, but is planning on a night with the boys as 'he has an opportunity to do so and he doesn't get that often' fair enough, he doesn't.
AIBU that once a month, one of the Thursday, Friday or Saturday sessions is dropped to give us a chance to do something? Or should I just ride out the season?

OP posts:
boobirdblue · 29/05/2019 06:43

To be honest once a month you need the car then surely a taxi would suffice? Like PP said I thought if was two/three times weekly.

rosedream · 29/05/2019 06:47

Your H only takes up 2 days with football. This is not unreasonable.

His takes his son to his hobby twice a week. This is normal parenting.

I think you're being unreasonable as you want to go late night shopping or a drink after work when neither of these are unavailable to do on the days he isn't with his son or playing football.

Perhaps really consider another car as it would make you feel less stuck in which is worth the extra money if it causes you annoyance.

Original poster
Anythingbutfootball · 29/05/2019 06:47

So I get 2 nights a month to see DH, plus every Tues (often DH is away this night with work) The other weekend we have DSS, which is great but still not a date night or gives us the opportunity to do something together.
As it stands DH uses the car, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and for about 4 hours on Saturday. But my choices are buy another car or suck it up. When all I am asking is for one Friday night (for example) a month to spend time with DH. Completely batty that this is considered ok by most…………..

OP posts:
boobirdblue · 29/05/2019 06:49

In fairness Op you never said he had DSS every other weekend or that he worked away on Tuesday nights.

Ilovetolurk · 29/05/2019 06:52

Why not go out every other Saturday night

I think that’s what I would do if I were you

Original poster
Anythingbutfootball · 29/05/2019 06:52

True, but I can exactly put every detail down about my life. Would be here all day!

OP posts:
rosedream · 29/05/2019 06:53

But SS is part of your family. You do something all together and that's fine.

You are lumping time with SS as part of a problem. It's not. He came with your H as a package. Date night once a month is pretty good going in many families lives as it's all taken up with kids.

I think the issue may be you coming to terms with how much the set up in reality effects your life.

He sounds a fab father and being so involved with his son is perfect. The season isn't all year.

Get another car and you do something independently in the week too.

Hiphopopotamous · 29/05/2019 06:55

You married a man with a child who it seems is doing a lovely job of taking an interest in his hobbies and looking after him half the non-working days.
Would you rather he was a shit dad who didn't care?
You can go out on a Sunday for a date if it bothers you that much 🤷🏻‍♀️

BiscuitDrama · 29/05/2019 06:55

Try going out after eight then?

boobirdblue · 29/05/2019 06:55

True, but I can exactly put every detail down about my life. Would be here all day!

True but giving very relevant details like the only evening in the week you get together he often works away might have been worthwhile.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2019 06:55

Nobody said it was ok, they are trying to offer solutions and keep track of the shifting goalposts

anothernotherone · 29/05/2019 06:56

Anythingbutfootball you're combining seperate issues:

The weekends you have your dss do not stop you seeing your husband, only going on a "date night"

Your DH taking DSS to activities

Your DH having first dibs on your shared car

The fact you are trapped at home if you don't have a car - how do you get to work?

Your DH's hobby.

Why does your DH have first dibs on the car? Is it his car or both of yours? If it's both of yours he needs to get himself to football another way on one of the training days so you can go out.

The entire "date night" concept versus time together watching a film with a glass of wine while DSS is in bed every Saturday night.

DH and I don't go on "date nights" because we have 3 children, shift work, no family. We could leave the teen to babysit now but we see each other every night after the kids are in bed - as do you your DH.

Veterinari · 29/05/2019 06:56

Why can’t His son walk himself to football training?

JonSlow · 29/05/2019 07:07

Was DH playing football twice a week, and taking DSS to football before you became a couple?

AuntMarch · 29/05/2019 07:07

Why do you have to go out one Friday a month, when he has two Saturday nights without his son?

If you don't think it's worth having a second car, don't make the car the issue!

Don't blame football, when it's actually about his son, he'd still be taking the car for them if it were kickboxing.

You are jealous of the child, not the sport.

AuntMarch · 29/05/2019 07:09

"AIBU"

"Yes"

"I don't think so"

Well crack on then!

PrincessTiggerlily · 29/05/2019 07:15

I don't think things will change, though DSS will eventually leave Home , or decide to give up footie if hes not that good.
Can you hang on that long.

user1474894224 · 29/05/2019 07:20

I have 3 kids and am ferrying them around Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday morning and Sunday morning/afternoon (during September to May). Hubby and I have a date night about 3 times a year. I get out with the girls every few months. This is family life. I would love to go out on Friday evenings but Scouts doesn't finish until 9 (and then I am exhausted) - we do lift share but other mum takes as we are still at football training.....

Get over yourself. He's a good dad supporting his son. And unlike others have said our football is a year round committment. There is no stopping for summer as there are friendlies and tournaments.

The 'problem' is you don't yet sound ready for the mundanity of this type of family life. Maybe it's not for you yet. Do you think he is truely the one forever? If so you need to change your expectations.

Sirzy · 29/05/2019 07:20

Also presumably when you met him and chose to get into a relationship you knew he had commitments to his child and that a couple of times a week he plays football?

Rezie · 29/05/2019 07:20

Is he a coach? Or doe she just go watch his sons training? If the training is walking distance and he is there just to watch then I do think he could skip those. If he is a coach then he has to be there. And of course nomatyer what to see the games.

I play football and some of my team mates have kids. It's always funny to watch the hand off between partners. One husband has training first. Then our training was after his so she brought the babyband gave it to him and then he headed home.

He is excercising 3 days a week so it's not that excessive. Thats within the reccomemnded. Same would be if he went jogging or the gym.

timeisnotaline · 29/05/2019 07:23

If you have your hobbies and go out with friends how do you get to them? Or do you fit it all into times when the car is there? Because just one car does sound very limiting!
But if really all you want is one night out a month , have you asked him? Dp you know how you’re going out Saturday and said you dont get many chances to do this? How many chances would you expect to be able to go out with me? I don’t feel like that happens much at all and would like it to be higher on the priority list.

adaline · 29/05/2019 07:24

He spends two nights a week plus a few hours on Saturday at football - that's not unreasonable at all. You don't have small children at home so why shouldn't he be able to do his hobby?

He spends two nights a week and every other weekend with his son - that's perfectly normal for the NRP in terms of access and has nothing to do with the football your husband does. He's taking his child to his hobby - what the hobby is is pretty much irrelevant.

That leaves you Saturday nights, Sunday, Tuesday and every other evening in the week when he gets home to spend time together! Go out at 8pm - go for a meal or to a late cinema showing. Have him collect a takeaway and enjoy with a glass of wine.

I'm sorry but you have plenty of time to spend together - an extra Friday night per month won't make any difference!

It sounds like you're resentful that your husband has a life outside the home and that it doesn't always include you.

yikesanotherbooboo · 29/05/2019 07:39

OP, I sympathise about the feeling trapped part but think you should get a taxi or share lifts if you want to escape .
The football with DSS will only be for a few years and you should be pleased that your DH is the type of man to fulfill his responsibilities. Reset your thinking to being pleased for them if you can.

stucknoue · 29/05/2019 07:42

Be thankful it's football and only lasts 4 hours on a Saturday, cricket is 11am til 8pm! Luckily the season is shorter but nets are all year indoors weekly and there's indoor cricket through the off season midweek. Sports!!!!

stayfit · 29/05/2019 07:51

Can they car pool during one of their activities so you can still get to yours? Alternatively if it's not far do they have a bike?

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