To reach out to a friend who removed me from their life...

[Isbrexitoveryet]

First up, I’m prepared to be told IABU, but please don’t totally decimate me, because this whole situation has broken my heart into about 324 billion little tiny very spikey pieces.

My childhood “best friend in the whole wide world” who was my number one, tell everything to, speak to everyday person, ghosted me last February. I am not 100% certain on what I have or haven’t done, because in the six months before that I was psychotic, I have limited memory, and still today only have pieces of Fragmented information and half bits of my life from about June 2017-January 2018.
The mental illness made me do many risky, dangerous and down right horrific things. I started fights, tried to kill myself, and presented for a late term termination of my pregnancy because I believed inanimate objects were going to harm us and I had to save my baby by sending them to heaven where they’d be safe.
So I know I could very easily have done something during this time that caused damage to our friendship.
(I fucked things up with another friend during this time, by ghosting her on her wedding day (because it was 3 weeks after the TOP, and i had started to gain insight and her baby was due the same day as mine, I couldn’t cope)

I don’t know why things happened the way they did, and I love her more than anything in the world, and always will.
I would love one day to be able to explain all of this to her. Because she is so truly amazing, she’s just had her 3rd child DD2 and they both look so well.
I would love to one day be able to ask what went wrong, explain and find out, I don’t think for a second that I will ever get the chance but I want to make sure I didn’t hurt her, or that she knows it wasn’t with any intent.

Thanks if you’ve got this far. And I probably won’t ever get a chance to see her again, and explain myself, nor would I know where to start if I had the chance. I just miss her, and I am so sorry.

If you’ve had time to read this thank you 100000 x over.

Could you write her a letter?

But did you have contact with your friend between the end of your psychosis and Feb 2019, or, when you say ‘last February’, do you mean Feb 2018, just after you’d stopped being so ill?

Do you have her address?
Write to her saying everything you said in your OP.
I reached out to my best ever friend on Facebook about a year ago after she ghosted me 20 years ago.
She replied and explained what was going on in her life at the time. Which I understood completely.
We haven't met up, and are in very sporadic touch via FB. I do feel better for putting it to rest.
She might not respond, but at least you will have done your best to build bridges.
I hope it works out

It sounds like you had a really horrific time yourself. I hope you're in a better place now and have received any help/treatments you need.
If you were my friend and you were on the road to recovery I'd want to reconnect, you sound really sincere and regretful of whatever went wrong between you. Maybe take it slow, I second writing. See whether she responds.

First off OP huge hugs and virtual love to you. I know exactly how awful mental health can be and have been there with doing absolutely awful things myself in the past and lost people.
Do you have a mental health team in place?
I lost a lot of friends before I was diagnosed and got help... many years later when I knew what I had and had been stable a while. I reached out to one in particular who I was really hurt to lose. I just explained how sorry I was, my mental health issues and that I just wanted her to know I never intended to hurt her. She replied saying she understood. As I said it was many years later and our lives had taken different paths anyway and we didn’t rekindle the friendship.
I’d say you have nothing to lose in reaching out and apologising, saying you are getting the help you need now...but just be ready and prepare yourself in case it doesn’t end how you want it to. If you are not in a place currently to cope with it going badly then please let it lie and concentrate on yourself and getting better and to a place you feel strong enough. Lots of hugs OP and I hope you are in a better place and getting help. Xxx

I could write a letter, but I’m sure she has moved (assuming this because she lived in a 3 person occupancy social property, as a family of four, and now she’s in a family of 5)

Sorry for the confusion, when I say past February I mean early feb 2018 was our final contact, although it started becoming sporadic and infrequent just before Christmas 2017.

I'm going to be completely honest here in what I hope is a kind way.
I think I would probably have done the same OP. I find MH issues extremely difficult to deal with at the very best of times. (Mostly due to my own experiences, draws on time and emotion and fears). This episode sounds extremely frightening for both you and those around you. It may simply be that she finds dealing with this beyond her capabilities and is exhausted.
In your shoes I would write her a nice letter saying how much you value the friendship and hope but not necessarily expect a reply.

It may not be anything specific you did to her. It may simply be that she decided your MH was taking too much of a toll on her own, especially if she was in a significant supporting role to you or was regularly witnessing your behaviour. Especially if it had happened before. It’s possible she was afraid you would hurt her children.

I would only write a letter if it (a) doesn’t ask for anything, like a meeting or explanation and (b) if you can cope with it going unanswered.

Hi peppermint! I agree, and yes you have been kind! So you don’t need to worry about that!

As for MH putting her off, I in many ways hope it wouldn’t, she has a MH diagnosis herself and I supported her through this for many years prior to my own illness.

Thanks all for her help. Maybe I will leave it, maybe I will write. I want her to know I love her dearly, I don’t much mind if she decides she doesn’t want to be in my life, but the thought that I did something to damage our relationship (people thought we were a couple in our early and mid twenties as we did everything together.) is awful and I want to make sure she’s okay. If that makes any sense at all.

Do you have her parents address? You could c/o it to their address.

She went n/c with her mum when we were about 20. Her dad lives about 300 miles away somewhere. I’m sure she’s okay. I don’t need to interfere.

In the nicest possible way, OP, I think there’s a difference between ‘MH putting her off’ and having to watch someone doing horrifically dangerous and self-destructive things. And the fact of being an old and close friend probably only makes it harder.

I no longer see a friend who used to phone me regularly after she’d taken an overdose. I doubt she was consciously being manipulative, but I couldn’t go on being the person whose ‘job’ it was to figure out where she was and get help to her. It felt like having a sword hanging over my head.

I have been the person who did the ghosting but then made contact 5 whole years later. My aim was to apologise and not gain a friend just settle the peace, explain myself etc. One awkward phone call turned to another little upset me phone call a week later. Eventually turned into a call each day. Highs, lows, silliness, anger & not saying much at all phone calls. We both are living quite far away from each other and have not met up since making contact. Distance not the problem just neither of us feel ready. We both were once in difficult places and have talked about it and now both enjoy having a silly nothing phone call with one another.

Good luck in making contact. Yes it will be scary, upsetting, frustrating even but if all goes well you'll be thanking yourself for biting the bullet, being brave and getting the friend back on side!

I was functioning well, I don’t believe she witnessed me do anything or “minded” me. I never informed her I was acting like this. My manic episodes drove me to extremes of high functioning, hosting big parties, acing tests, marking all my books in great depth and detail. I ran away when I was very poorly, because I didn’t want anyone to know. I came back on my own when I was slightly better, and could function. But I don’t think that she played any part in seeing my demise. I spoke to her everyday via text (there is nothing indicative of her knowing), I sent her money when she was out, I booked her taxis to get from A-B because she had no credit I drove back on occasion to give her lifts when she needed.
So at no point do I think she had that role of my caregiver or watcher.
I mean I nearly gave DP a nervous breakdown but my friend, I don’t think so.

Fingers crossed Luann!

If you feel that you owe her an apology, then you could send her a letter. However, if she doesn't respond, don't try again. People do have a right to cut someone out of their lives and refuse further contact.
And if you don't feel strong enough to cope with either silence or a negative response, it might better to leave things alone.

I feel like if you were my friend, I would be glad to know you are feeling a bit more yourself. You could always drop her a line explaining that you were not rational, you have limited memories of that time and apologising for anything you may have done or said. Then leave the ball in her court- don't suggest anything. Just apologise and see how she responds.

Oh you poor thing. MH problems are horrible. I dont have any advice - wish I did - just please be kind to yourself xx

You said she has her own MH diagnosis and problems. Maybe it's not you, maybe she's just trying to sort herself out at the moment.

Op, I am so sorry you have had such a terrible time. I am stunned that anyone would authorise a late termination on a women who was clearly not in their right mind.
You need time to heal, give this time too. It may also be raw for her, you may have hurt or frightened her. She may have worried for her own safety.
Take care of yourself, do everything you can to rest and recuperate, and see how things pan out with the friendship with a bit of time and distance.

After me calling the police and an ambulance on a friend of mine who was suicidal, she went no contact with me and tbh I never expected to hear from her again.

She found me on an internet forum, when I was going through a really tough time. I was hurt she ghosted me, but understood why, she was hurt with what I did (but glad I did it) but couldn't understand why I didn't try and contact her afterwards to see how she was doing.

We have gone back to being best friends, although other of her friendships have not recovered as well.

I ghosted my BFF after 19 years . I just could not cope with her anymore. I had been so patient and kind and caring, she did a couple of upsetting things and l was going through a hell of a time myself and l just had enough . I needed space . It really was nothing to do with her , she was acting as normal, it was me , l couldn't devote myself to her anymore, my needs outweighed hers for once in our lives , l had to come first . I hope this has a happy ending for you OP l really do

Ooft, a tricky one. I've had to drastically pull back from a friend in the past, as their MH needs, and demands, were severely impacting on my MH. It might be nothing to do with you.
Regardless of your decision to write, or not, I hope you stay well, and remain healthy

What is her mental health problem?

I think a lot of people with depression or anxiety do not understand psychosis and exactly what it can do to you. It might be that you can explain what happened from your POV will help, it might be using the word psychosis will scare her even more.

Be prepared that if she doesn't respond positively it might make you feel worse.

I reached out last year to my previous best friend after 15 years of not talking. We chatted over email, she was positive and friendly. We met up for a drink and it was easy and comfortable and we caught up in so much of where our lives had gone. I felt really happy.

She then told a mutual friend she had no interest in pursuing anything else. Despite the chat and the friendly atmosphere and the emails where we carried on as if it was all normal she just isn't bothered about me anymore. I think meeting up was satisfying idle curiosity on her part.

She blanked me a few weeks later at a wedding and it hurt far more than if we'd not been in touch and it had seemed we were changing things.