Aibu to be cross about DH’s priorities?

[DrowsyDragon]

DH is about to go away for work. He works for a big company, scattered all over the world and every six months or so they have “retreats” where they all get together at some luxury European or American venue to plan. And get drunk. I don’t really grudge this. I mean my work takes me to exotic places like Birmingham and Liverpool and he got to Barcelona but that’s just luck. The retreats are not family friendly as the company is largely men and family are not invited. This is the third time he’ll have been away fir a week since DD 18 months was born.

I’ve also been trying to plan our holidays. Every time I suggest going away for more than seven days I get “what about work? I can’t miss deadlines etc”. I also just found out that this last retreat means he will be away for 9 days. Aibu unseasonable to be hurt that he will, without a second thought, take nine days away from his family but he won’t, without much persuasion, go away with me and DD for more than 7 days? I feel so hurt and second best. He says I am overreacting.

UNBU
That is very hurtful.

Unfortunately you and your child are not his priority.
3 jollies in 18 months with a child is unbelievable.

You have a big DH problem.

You need to sit down and be very clear to him how unreasonable he is being and you need to be clear in what you will accept.

How he reacts will tell you what you need to know.

Very upsetting for you.

The work trips are a massive perk of the job, and one i'm guessing you have always known about?

Stop asking about a family holiday, tell him the dates he needs to book off and book the holiday. He'll enjoy it when he is there i'm sure, just plan it around a time he hasn't got any other time off work etc, and with plenty of notice for his deadlinea

Can you clarify - are these 'work' trips for him where he gets paid as he usually would to attend? So, Essentially he's at work. Or are they optional?

Hi lazy puppy. I tried a version of that advice. I picked dates, location etc, lined it all up to show him and got “oh two weeks? My deadlines might slide.”
And it’s True about the deadlineS. He makes games. Their last one went through about six deadlines pretty sure he’d be pissed off if I just booked it. Maybe a weekend but not something longer.

The retreats have become more of a thing as the company did better. They didn’t exist at first, then they were every two years or so, now every six months. I’m also not trying to stop him going (even though I do wish my work flew me all over the place - public sector no chance). It’s just the way leaving me for nine days is fine but taking ten days of work is a problem. That’s the bit that hurts.

Arethereanyleft. Bit of both? They get paid and they are optional. But it’s a good time to get face time with the bosses and get in on new developments. They also do things like party a bit, have houses with private pools etc. But I don’t grudge him going (i’m occasionally think I picked the wrong career perks wise) and I don’t want to stop him going or to miss out professionally. I just want him to be as keen to go away with us!

You should know that in banking there is a requirement to take ‘block leave’. 2 weeks of leave at one time. It’s a fraud prevention thing, but it means no matter how senior a banker you are work says you absolutely must piss off and not even send an email for two weeks every single year. No one is indispensable. I’d tell him that on Saturday I’d be booking the family holiday and he could contribute to deciding dates by then or not but if he didn’t come he could move out while we were away.

I think whether this is unreasonable or not depends on a few things. Is he paid a salary large enough to demand he can't take ten days off in a row?

Work things however much fun are work.

I used to get 1-week things in posh hotels only UK though, it sounded great and was kind of but also there was enforced group fun (not my thing), a lot of making nice with people you weren't keen on as well as the ones you liked and so on.

The bit that is rubbish is him not doing family hols that is totally shit so YANBU for that part.

My HR perspective on it - this company is going to get sued big time by the next female joining in... it's a sex discrim case waiting to happen. I wouldn't be able to be away from my kids for 9 days every 6 months and of course even if its optional nobody would want to miss out. I'd tell DH to suggest gently to the bosses that they should consider other, more family friendly, team bonding experiences and do retreats less frequently.

OP, I guess the difference is he is paid to go on the work trips and it’s all part of his job, in his eyes, yet to go away with you costs money? Also, he won’t feel as if he needs a holiday so much as he’s going away anyway.

I think you have to tell him that his work trips are all well and good, but he has to recognise that you need a holiday too and your whole lives cannot pander to the “DH show”, so you are booking one that you think will suit you and your DD and he can work from the holiday if needs be.

Umm. I’m not sure how large a salary that would be? He’s on about 50 - 60k plus profit share bonuses. I think the moveable deadlineS is the real kicker. In my job I know when we have busy times or otherwise and that diesn’t Change much. I can’t predict when he will be busy and deadlines constantly shift. But even so. We need a family life!

I like the banker example. Definitely sharing that one. And my god! We’re only talking about going away in the U.K. He can take his laptop and check it in the evening if he’s that desperate. Which I have told him!

He can take his laptop and check it in the evening if he’s that desperate. Which I have told him!

He's really being a total pratt.

YANBU.

Oblada you read my mind! I actually said this is all well and good when it was 15 guys in their twenties but ther’s more than 30 now and several dads - no mums that I know of - time for them to think about family friendliness.

I do get it’s not as fun as I think though i’m guessing six nights of unbroken sleep when our Dd was 13 weeks and 11 months respectively was pretty good. Like I said I just want the same enthusiasm and willingness for family stuff.

Really like the “DH Show” comment. Also wanted to sanity check how grumpy I am being.

Then he's bang out of order.

To be honest I don't think once every 6 months is particularly outrageous. However, what would annoy me is 9 days each time. That sounds like it's Mon-Fri plus the weekend before and the weekend after? Is that the case? Does everyone go for the full 9 days or is that just what DH says/prefers? Being away both weekends in the name of work is quite unusual unless his job isn't a 'standard Mon-Fri' job?

In my last role, we travelled quite a lot. It was a standing joke that at any point in time at least 50% of the staff were working in a different country's office to their home office. But everyone made a huge effort to be back home for weekends (because people have families! Or hobbies!) and it was fully supported by management, although obviously we did sometimes lose a weekend day travelling when it was more long haul.

Sounds like your DH and his colleagues are enjoying the boys' club a little too much.

OP I work in the same industry and can pretty much guarantee that whilst these trips may be positioned as "optional" they really won't be. I'm guessing from what you've said that he's dev side and most likely leading a team on that salary? Sadly there's still a lot of crunch culture at many studios where it's almost expected that deadlines slip as they were unrealistic to start with. Those working the longest hours see it as a badge of honour, and those not willing to muck in are often sidelined, so I suspect he's under a fair amount of pressure to ensure he's seen to be on the frontline, and getting facetime with the bosses is part of that (and that includes the boozy team bonding whether you'd rather be in bed or not!).

I can't remember the last time I had a 2 week holiday (although glancing at the stamps in my passport you'd assume otherwise!), and even on short breaks I'm always sure to take my laptop/work phone as there's always something that needs sorting even when I'm out of the office. Unfortunately our industry is still seen as one of the "cool" ones so you can be sure if you're not willing to put in the hours, they'll find someone who is!

I work project based. That means I have no idea if I have will have a massive deadline in 11 months time as I’m not on the project yet,we don’t even know that particular project exists yet. I still book holidays and work will have to manage because I have a family and want to spend fun times with them.

Thank you mumsnet! We had a big talk and have compromised on a booked and in the calendar 9 day trip. With the promise of a couple of last minute weekend breaks to be slotted around the ever moving deadlines.

MagicalTwinky thanks in particular! I do rationally know he’s just being a fairly typical dev. Just finding it harder now we have DD and I want family time! But not at the expense of his career either.

I will definitely suck up the needed laptop time. After all, he out earns me so it is dev work paying the majority of our life style.