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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My brother is messing with these girls heads!

12 replies

Shootingstar1115 · 28/05/2019 13:18

Hi all, I’m fully expecting everyone to tell me to mind my own business. But as someone who has had her heartbroken by ‘players’ a few times I think my brother needs to buck up.

Basically, he’s 21. Never had a serious girlfriend. I’m not sure why. He’s a average looking man I guess but I think he’s quite immature for his age and immature with relationships but has had a few flings that I’m aware of. He is quite open about all this to his family and friends.

A while ago. He was seeing a girl. She was 17, him 21. I had no problem with that age gap. I’ve always dated older guys. As she wasn’t old enough to go out, he would often go out meeting other girls. He stopped the fling with the 17 year old and started dating a girl or 19 as she was old enough to go out, that finished he went back the 17 (now 18) year old now back to the 19 heat d. Now a few months on he is still chatting, meeting with and leading both of them on but not really interested in either. He now has a date with another female (I can barely keep up myself so apologies for confusing everyone) as well as freely admitting he’s going to get out about on his soon to be holiday.

These girls have no idea who much of a dick he’s being tbh and not aware of each other.

I feel for the younger one most of all. She seemed like a sweet girl when I seen her at my mums when she was staying and I was visiting. They work together so she can’t not see him most days either!

I’ve been through similar myself with boys when I was younger and I remember feeling so low and heartbroken. He doesn’t seem to see it himself!

I don’t feel it’s my place to have this chat to him but my mum and stepdad seem to laugh it off.

I mean if this was a female playing around she would be called a s**g but it’s alright for him to do so??

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 28/05/2019 13:25

I don't agree with the 'mind your own business' camp, because in my experience, people with shitty moral standards tend to be morally lax across the board, and there is no 'protection' by being their best friend, their wife, their sister.

So whilst you can never worry about him cheating on you, you can arm yourself with the fact that he's happy to use other human beings for what he wants, is able to compartmentalise the 'nice boyfriend' side from the 'twatty cheater' side, and that he thinks this is all ok enough to share with other people - so what does he do that he DOESN'T share?

My approach if people tell me things like this as if they are 'banter' is just to say 'eugh, gross, what a horrible way to treat someone'. And don't give them any more than the very little trust they deserve - which isn't to say you can't still have something of a relationship with them.

IABUQueen · 28/05/2019 13:25

arrrrghhh no advice for you, but I feel for you. Your brother’s immaturity is enabled by your parents.. laughing at that. How horrible

chloechloeharris · 28/05/2019 13:34

yanbu. i think you should definitely talk to him, the way he's treating these women is extremely disrespectful and disgusting and i can't believe your parents are laughing it off. also i find the 17/21 age gap too much

TheRLodger · 28/05/2019 13:39

Oh god. Do you know what I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere speaking to your “d”b he’ll just shrug or laugh it off. Or say mind your own business. Therefore, I’d be tempted to speak to the girls themselves about his behaviour that way the ball is in their court about what they want to do

sergeilavrov · 28/05/2019 14:20

I wouldn't personally intervene directly with the girls involved (despite them having my absolute sympathy), but I would be clear about my opinion to both him, and your parents. Ultimately, we are all tied to our families and thus can be judged by extension on the basis of their actions, and your brother should respect that enough to reflect on his behaviour. Ordinarily, I'd hope his own future reputation would be enough to reign it in, but apparently not. You seem like a good egg, so hopefully you can stay away from them a bit!

I certainly would be making sure my children (now or in the future) know how antiquated the opinions of their grandparents and uncle are.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 15:52

Set up an anonymous FB account and message both girls saying he's seeing other girls, he's not exclusive etc. Include s much detail as you choose.

You can send a message without adding someone ax a friend/them adding you as a friend. I did it the other day to communicate with a lady who's left a review about a daycare facility and offered to speak further if anyone wanted to. She got the message and responded quickly on FB messenger without us having to add each other as friends.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 15:53

*who'd

Shootingstar1115 · 28/05/2019 16:49

Thanks all. I haven’t lived at home since I was 18 - nearly a decade ago! They aren’t the easiest people to talk to! I just think he needs to buck up. They deserve so much better! I only met one of the girls and she seemed lovely too! She reminded me a bit of myself when I wasn’t much younger than her. I had a boyfriend who was old enough to go out and I wasn’t, I trusted him but I found out he was playing around 😭

OP posts:
S0CKS · 28/05/2019 17:33

Im personally most disgusted in your mum that she would allow another woman to be treated that way and hasnt had stern words with her son.
I think you should tell them.

Okthen5 · 28/05/2019 18:18

People will always shoot the messenger. My DB had sex with his fiancées aunt at their engagement party, her best friend the day after and got another girl pregnant. I told fiancee, she didn't believe me and went running to DB. She has never spoken to me since, even after discovering I was telling the truth a year later.

thecatsthecats · 28/05/2019 18:49

S0CKS

I agree, and think laughing it off is all very well now, but let's paint a little picture here.

It's ten years down the line, OPs brother has graciously decided to settle down. But since he has no practice at being in a stable, honest relationship, he cheats on his girlfriend/wife, who is also the mother of his child. He gets the kids every other weekend... And the sort of parent who laughs it off now whines about their "access" rights, and that it was the girlfriends fault for not putting up with it.

Shootingstar1115 · 28/05/2019 19:06

I completely agree with all of you. I also have two younger sisters (teenagers) and I’m pretty certain there would be hell to pay if any boys treated them like this by my mother and stepfather.

My own mother has been treated badly by men as I have when I lived there. It’s like they think it’s okay because he’s a male 😭

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