Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

WWYD about wedding guests?

53 replies

DaisiesAndCompasses · 28/05/2019 13:08

I'm newly engaged and we've started talking guest lists, budgets, venues etc.

I'm orphaned, no surviving family. I had a selection of foster homes growing up, but didn't stay in touch with any long-term because I felt a bit rejected at the time that nobody wanted to adopt me. For that reason, I jumped around schools/the country a lot.

I have a circle of 6 - 7 close friends, although 2 wouldn't be able to make the wedding. They do tend to have families/kids now, so I could probably make it look like I had 14/15 people...

DP has a pretty big family (who are all lovely!) and I think we'd probably have to invite at least 40 people from them. Then he's got maybe 5 - 6 people who I don't know well, and then we have mutual friends that we see quite often but who know him first - maybe 8 or so.

We could marry abroad, somewhere that has meaning to us both - but really all that means is that a lot of his people won't come either, including the elderly part of his family, which feels a bit unfair.

Stick to the plan and try and ignore the disparity? I don't really want to invite acquaintances to make the numbers up on my side, I don't think...

OP posts:

CornishMaid1 · 28/05/2019 14:08

If you had a lot of friends between you, you could sit friends to one side and family to the other.

Otherwise, just reserve the first row all the way across for the main family (parents, grandparents, wedding party) and then have everyone else sit where you like. You will get family vying to get the best seat no-one will care which side they are on.

Either that or have an usher who is one of your friends who spots a guest and then goes 'we're claiming you for our side' and make a joke of picking people to even it up and stop any awkwardness (as people do often see it as one side per family and don't feel they can cross to the other side).

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 28/05/2019 14:11

There are many reasons for guest list disparity at a wedding. At ours ‘my’ side was considerably thinner than his as I have a very small family and my parents were estranged from most of them. My DH OTOH, has a massive family with over 100 first cousins (we didn’t invite them all but just to give you an idea of the scale) and on the whole they all get on very well. He also has a solid core of friends from his childhood that are like family to him so they all had to be included along with many of their parents. His side outnumbered mine by about 4:1 but we looked on it as a new family mingling and a good time was had by all.

HaveNoSocks · 28/05/2019 14:12

I don't think anyone's going to notice the disparity to be honest. (And anyone who thought any less of you for it would be a massive dick to be honest). My family is quite small and half of it is in the US so if DH and I had had a big wedding my side would have been small too.

BlueThesaurusRex · 28/05/2019 14:13

Been to many ceremonies where the sign reads ‘pick a seat, not a side’

Invite who you want to be there, doesn’t matter if more people are ‘yours’ or ‘his’ because they’ll soon be both

Congratulations!

onsen · 28/05/2019 14:20

I agree with what's been said so far, but I think you also need to honour your sadness.

It's wonderful that you are starting your own family and that you feel safe and secure enough to do that, but do you also feel sad, looking at your husband's family, on what you missed out on? In a way, you'd be made of stone if you didn't.

I don't know how long you've got to the wedding, but it might be a good idea to find a counsellor and talk through these emotions now. These kind of events do bring up huge emotions, and they refuse to be repressed forever. (And I say all of this as someone who has been through tons of counselling and therapy for my own family issues, not because I'm a psychiatrist!)

QuizzlyBear · 28/05/2019 14:20

I wouldn't worry, I have a small family and a close circle of friends, my DH has a MASSIVE extended family that MIL insisted on flying in from all four corners of the world!

Though I paid for the wedding, it was 80% his family (who I'd never met) on the day, which made me feel a bit more nervous and self-conscious than I would have otherwise in advance. On the day itself though? It barely crossed my mind and it was a fabulous day, with (almost!) everyone getting along.

The only sticking point that I'd have changed in hindsight was that my DH's uncle volunteered to video everything, which we gratefully accepted. Of course he only videoed DH's family so I don't think a single friend or family member of mine made it onto film, which makes it a bit bittersweet to look back on.

I know it wasn't deliberate though, his uncle's a sweetheart - he just didn't think! Just make sure your loved ones get equal airtime in photos etc

Doobigetta · 28/05/2019 14:32

You don’t say how you feel about it- does the disparity bother you? Would you feel unsupported on the day if his guest list outnumbered yours, or would you feel it rubbed salt in a wound? That’s what matters, not what is “correct”.
Also, how do you know that some of your friends won’t be able to be there, if you haven’t set a date yet? Do they live overseas? I do think it would be fair for you to base your plans around what will work best for your closest connections and expect your fiancé’s wider family and friends to work around that, under the circumstances. If I were you I’d make an “A list” of the half dozen or so on each side that you absolutely must have there. Make sure your date, venue and plan work for them, and consider everyone else who can be there a nice bonus.

Notverygrownup · 28/05/2019 14:45

You don’t say how you feel about it- does the disparity bother you? Would you feel unsupported on the day if his guest list outnumbered yours, or would you feel it rubbed salt in a wound? That’s what matters, not what is “correct”. Yes, this. If the imbalance is going to make you feel vulnerable/sad then you need to talk to your dh to find a solution. Which could be mixing up the guests (loving the idea of getting "your" side to cheer loudly and be the fun side/getting their support for you) or it could be going for the quiet overseas elopement then having a big party/blessing back at home or some other solution you come up with together. (Or you could always fill out your side with MNetters !!)

Waveysnail · 28/05/2019 14:48

I had 6 people at my wedding from my friends and family. During the day dh had 40 then in the evening nearly a 100 (huge family). No one cared and we filled church up from the front

RavenLG · 28/05/2019 15:01

I would ignore too. Myself and DP are getting married next year and most of the invite list is made up of his friends / family and people from a hobby. I have a fairly small family and only 2 people I call close friends (I get on with his girl friends well, we go for meals without DP etc. but counting them as his friends on this). I don't really mind, I'm a quiet soul so I'd rather there be all the people we can invite who care about DP than keeping it even.

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 28/05/2019 15:03

We had similar disparities - my family isn't huge and I'm an Aussie living in the UK so only my 2 closest friends from home came. I have a few UK friends but most of our friends were my husband's friends initially. We chose a venue that didn't have a central aisle so there was no sides for the bride and groom and mixed the seating up so everyone was sitting with some people they knew and some they didn't. If anybody noticed the difference they didn't say anything to me or my husband.
If you're happy with that then that's what's important but as other posters have said if there is a deeper issue here to do with your lack of family I recommend exploring that with a therapist (I say this as someone with a fucked up childhood and a lot of years of therapy under my belt).

daisyphase · 28/05/2019 15:03

Happy ending that you're getting a whole new family that you get on with as well as your husband. Congratulations!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 28/05/2019 15:06

Ignore the disparity. When DH and I got married the only member of his family who came was his brother (it was a really long distance for them) and there were loads of my family. I don't remember that anyone commented or noticed.

Stravapalava · 28/05/2019 15:13

A friend of mine's husband literally only had 1 family member there. It was a fairly small wedding and it was kind of nice in a way because it meant they could invite all their friends to the whole day, rather than agonising over who to drop to evening only.

Theworldisfullofgs · 28/05/2019 15:18

I have a huge family - think 6 siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins etc.
My dh had 4 and 1 was a step.
By the time (we were together 3 years by then) we got married my family was his family and disparity wasn't an issue as everyone belonged to both of us.

81Byerley · 28/05/2019 15:19

When we got married we mixed all the guests up as my husband had about 10 guests and the rest (40) were mine. We had four round tables for guests, so we split his side between them, and asked each of my four children to host a table, and make sure that everyone was introduced on each table. It was such a happy day, and now, 14 years later, we still have people ask how other guests are, etc..

MatildaTheCat · 28/05/2019 15:36

Don’t worry about it at all. By the time the ceremony is done his lovely family will also be your lovely family.

Congratulations and just enjoy it.

Bonniegirlie · 28/05/2019 15:54

I have a very small family too but I don't think anyone cared that there were more people sat on one side than the other. I certainly didn't. As long as you have people there that you want there, then that's all that matters. I hope you have a lovely wedding!

suki32 · 28/05/2019 16:11

For reasons I won't go into I had none of my family at my wedding. I did have a fair few friends but the disparity was obvious. But everyone we invited knew my story and were there to celebrate us so it just didn't matter. We didn't do 'sides', everyone just mingled. My groom and I even walked down the aisle together so it wasn't much being 'given away' as it was walking together to starting the next chapter of our lives together.

I wouldn't change any of it. Have the wedding you want and don't worry about the optics.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 28/05/2019 16:17

Congratulations!!

Stick to the plan. Ignore the imbalance. Use a sign at venue, something like...
Pick a seat not a side we’re all family once the knot it tied. Or you know something less cheesy! Mix everyone up. It’ll be lovely

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 28/05/2019 16:49

Gosh... when we get married I’d say it’s a 70/30 split to my side as DH’s family is considerably smaller than mine and aren’t as close. I have 14 aunts and uncles, 29 first cousins who I am really close to and see regularly and they’re children (10 little ones).

If we did immediate family I only have my mum & Stepddad, brother, his wife and my nephew... so 5 in total.
My DH would have 13 between both sets of parents and his sisters, nieces and nephew.

Either way there will always be a disparity 🤷🏼‍♀️

WildFlower2019 · 28/05/2019 16:59

I sympathise. DH had quite a few more guests at our wedding than I did. He also could have had more had he invited more family (he didn't invite lots of cousins and aunts, uncles and their kids, whereas I did invite mine).

He had lots of childhood friends, uni friends and work colleagues. I just had a couple. This is because a lot of our family has passed away, we don't speak to some others, I've moved around a lot and lost touch with lots of friends and work for myself, so no colleagues!

I was a bit upset at first (he had friends that surprised him with a stag do. I didn't even have enough people to invite for a hen do!) but in the end, I just accepted it for what it was... i still had a lovely time x

Original poster

DaisiesAndCompasses · 28/05/2019 17:01

Wow thank you all! I'm glad it seems fairly standard. I feel alright about it, it just felt really unusual. An acquaintance made a poor joke; well meant, but I've overthought it since.

DP has offered to reduce his side, he's a sweetheart. I do love his family and friends, though.

Definitely stealing "pick a seat, not a side" and I'll explore whether some pre-wedding counselling might be a good idea just incase it triggers anything long buried.

OP posts:

stucknoue · 28/05/2019 17:09

Just do what makes you happy. Don't have "sides" of the church or venue then no one will know. I would consider if there's anyone special to you that you could have sitting at the front where parents sit typically - eg my friend had her social worker give her away despite being 22, she also had her teacher come and a university tutor who had invited her to spend Christmas with his family

SunshineCake · 28/05/2019 17:25

Oh my love. Congratulations first of all !

I had a similar childhood to you and while I've got back in touch with important people now I didn't really have anyone to ask to my wedding. I had 8 people at my wedding from my side and one of those was my friends' plus one. Only one was a relative. One friend didn't come and no one told me she wasn't coming.

Dh had about 30-40.

We didn't do bride and groom side. It really didn't matter. No one said anything and if they had I would have been rather .

Have the wedding you want. Don't worry about the difference in guest list. Anyone who you think might be unkind gets crossed off the list. Problem solved…

Flip

1 2 3