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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a tiny bit bitter towards teen DD

23 replies

Sonewherenowhere · 28/05/2019 11:10

Long story but every year or two a relative has taken us on holiday with them for a variety of reasons including them not wanting to travel alone out of the UK and also to give us a holiday when they knew we couldn't afford a holiday otherwise. Obviously we brought our own spends and bought meals and a present etc and I am extremely grateful.

Last year DD who is now a teen started an activity which in fairness she does love but she started kicking up a fuss about going (which again she is a teen so I understand she might not want to go on holiday with us anymore ) but it was because it meant she would miss her twice a week sessions. Relative very kindly tried to book around the sessions as she didn't want to go without DD but needed the dates for the camps and DD was an utter pain in the backside getting these. She didn't say so much she didn't want to go (which again as a teen I would understand) but made it as hard as possible to book anything because relative wouldn't book without the camp dates and DD took forever getting them. I tried to get them but as the emergency number is for the venue not the club and due to her age I don't have much contact so was unable to.

Fast forward to now and quite rightly said relative has given up and quite rightly used the money elsewhere to buy a vehicle they can go away in alone without worrying about hotels and travel on planes/trains on their own. I'm not moaning at that at all. I'm glad they have.

The consequence of this however is that DD is on two already paid for camps, one 3 days, one 10 days and also a lovely trip away and is going on
and on about how amazing camp is going to be and what fun she is going to have and I'm stuck at home and/or work with no break at all for the foreseeable future and I'm a bit pissed if I'm honest!

I know I'm unreasonable to be cross but aibu to be just a little bit peeved.

OP posts:

UCOinanOCG · 28/05/2019 11:20

Your teen is growing up and exerting some independence in what happens in her life. You can't expect her to stick in with her activity and also give it up when you have a chance of a holiday. You can be as peeved as you like but things always change as teens get older.

Can't you go away with your relative in her motorhome when your DD is away at camp? Best to start making independent plans for holidays now as your teen is unlikely to want to go on holiday with you for the indefinite future.

ChicCroissant · 28/05/2019 11:24

This day was always going to come though OP, and while I can understand that it's a bit disappointing when it does - it's a bit unfair to expect your DD to always want to go away with another family member (I'm guessing it's a grandparent here).

OK to be peeved about not having a break to look forward to, unreasonable to attach blame to anyone for it though.

FleetwoodStorms · 28/05/2019 11:32

I don't think you're BU, OP. It's not her not wanting to go away with you that's annoying you - it's her poor communication and how it's prevented you booking something with your relative.

Feel free to pop over to the newly opened virtual cafe on the Teenagers board for a cuppa and a vent

pumpkinpie01 · 28/05/2019 11:37

I can see why you are annoyed, she has faffed around for so long. Can you go away on another holiday with someone else while she is at camp ?

Original poster

Sonewherenowhere · 28/05/2019 11:44

'Can't you go away with your relative in her motorhome when your DD is away at camp?'

I'm not invited I think said relative is peeved they are not getting the holiday abroad they really wanted because of us which I completely understand and during conversation of a place we has talked about going together I thought they meant me too and relative said oh no I was talking about just me and X (another relative)
Basically now they are only going in this country they are happy going away just alone and having a peaceful break or taking X who wouldn't go abroad but will go on UK very short trips. I've no issue with that at all obviously.

'You can't expect her to stick in with her activity and also give it up when you have a chance of a holiday. '

It's only a holiday every other year. Many of her group are away regularly during school holidays.
And relative has always booked places suitable for DD rather than herself so it hasn't been boring for her and she's been able to go off and so what she wanted.

Thanks Fleetwood storms, will definitely have a look!

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2019 11:49

What age is your teen, like is she 13 or is she 17? If she was 13-15 I would have just told her she was missing her activity for a week and that's the end of it -shrug-

Also I don't think YABU OP

herculepoirot2 · 28/05/2019 11:52

I wouldn’t have given her the opportunity to faff unless she’s 15-16. Younger than that and I would just have told her what was happening.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 28/05/2019 11:54

It’s hard when you’re kind of looking forward to the break, even when it’s totally understandable.

Try and have a staycation? They can be fun if you treat it like a holiday for yourself. And here’s a virtual cake / tea / gin / cocktail to help cheer you up!

HennyPennyHorror · 28/05/2019 11:56

DDs age is important OP....if she's 13 you should have gone physically with her to the club to get the dates from the teacher. If she's 17 or so, I'd have arranged to go away with relative without her.

So YABU to be peeved, you needed to do more about this.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/05/2019 11:57

So if you had been able to get the dates for your DDs camp your relative would have booked around it? Why could you not have got the dates?

I'd be pissed off too OP. I love a holiday, and I love going abroad. You shoudn't have let your dds faffing around have stopped you going, I think the reletive was annoyed at you not sorting it out.

carrotflinger · 28/05/2019 12:07

How old is DD?
I thought maybe 13 or 14 as you wrote "DD who is now a teen".
It does make a difference. If she was 13 or 14 I wouldn't have put up with the faffing about getting the camp dates. Don't really understand why you don't have contact details for the people running or the club or why you couldn't have called in to one of the sessions to ask. I'm thinking it might be cadets or something like that with 2 sessions a week and camps.
If you weren't able to get the dates and she wasn't able to provide them and was being generally a pain, I would have asked the relative just to book the holiday and DD would have to miss the camp if it had clashed - thereby learning a valuable lesson about not messing people about.

If she is older, then you could have made arrangements for you to go with the relative, although you would still have needed to get the camp dates so she could be at camp while you were away.

Not surprised the relative got fed up with it and probably thought she couldn't be bothered with this carry-on every day.

Toooldtocareanymore · 28/05/2019 12:09

i'm confused who booked and paid for these two camps? and your dd trip away?

quizqueen · 28/05/2019 12:11

It sounds like you let your daughter rule the roost and have now paid for the holiday she prefers too. You should have left her at home in someone else's care and gone on the paid foreign holiday with your relations without her, as you usually do, if she didn't want to go.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/05/2019 12:14

Does "now a teen" mean she's 13/14?

I wouldn't have put up with her faffing and refusing to engage here, if I'm honest. She's either old enough to stay for camp without you if needs be, or young enough that she can make her case about her activity but needs to do what you say, which includes getting camp dates so you can work around them.

I'm not invited blush I think said relative is peeved they are not getting the holiday abroad they really wanted because of us which I completely understand

I think you've both messed relative about a bit. I think I'd presume that a friend with a 13/14-year-old didn't really want to join me and was making excuses, rather than believing straight off that they just didn't either get the camp dates themselves or make their teen do it. While being an early teen is about independence and learning their way, they do still need to listen to instructions.

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/05/2019 12:50

I am afraid teens have a way of driving us mad and sadly this will become worse as they expect notice for every decision you make whilst giving none for their own. I would say you may want to rethink how these conversations go and give deadlines to when you will have an answer back, otherwise you will decide.
I am afraid this situation may have destroyed not only this break but also future holidays with your relative.

hesagooddog · 28/05/2019 13:05

Yanbu but you let her mess around far too much. I would've given her one chance to get the dates and then stood over her while she called.

theyellowjumper · 28/05/2019 13:09

I don't think you're BU, but I also think your dd is pretty normal. Like others have said, maybe you should have been more insistent on getting those dates.

But to make the most of the situation, could you book the days off & go away alone for a night or two while teen is on camp? Or you could stay home & plan some nice activities you might not normally get the chance to do - go to a show/concert, long walk, spa day, craft workshop, museum or whatever fits your own areas of interest?

MRex · 28/05/2019 13:12

I don't understand how it wasn't possible for you to get the camp dates. Do you not have any idea who is looking after your daughter during these camp sessions? If she's old enough for you to not know who's looking after her then why didn't you go on the holiday and leave her at home?

Jengnr · 28/05/2019 13:12

How do you not know the dates your child would be on camp for?

Either she’s not old enough to be left (and therefore you need to be informed of the dates she’s away) or she is old enough (and therefore it doesn’t matter as you could have gone without her).

It doesn’t make sense!

bringbacksideburns · 28/05/2019 13:40

YABU because you should have taken charge of the situation yourself at the very beginning and it sounds like your relative got fed up waiting.

If your teen is early teens, then missing a couple of sessions when I'm presuming you already had booked and paid for these camp trips in advance for her, would have been something she should have just accepted without a fuss.
Any older she could have stayed with a friend or family member so you were free to go away.
You've cut off your nose to spite your face.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/05/2019 13:50

If she is under 16 then you must have signed a consent form for her to go away so you would have known the dates. If she is over 16 you could have gone away and left her.

billy1966 · 28/05/2019 14:00

Your DD age is crucial here.
If she was under 16 she should have sucked it up.

You shouldn't have allowed her to dictate what you wanted to do, particularly for an every other year opportunity.

Children/teens can be very self absorbed.
Part of parenting is telling them to suck it up, because in the real world, most people have to suck it up at one time or another.

Learn from this. I'm sure your relative was eye rolling.

UNBU to be annoyed at your daughter but I think you are also annoyed at yourself. Which I would be too.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell your DD either.
You are doing her no favour allowing her to be selfish.

Best of luck.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 28/05/2019 14:24

How do you not have contact details for her activity? Number one rule as a parent. I have contact details for ds19’s lecturers and workplace, just in case God forbid he’s taken very unwell or something, I can contact them to say what’s happened. Like wise I did for xdp’s Manager, admittedly only after he become so unwell with a temp and tonsillitis that I was struggling to get any sense out of him, so I could call in for him. It made me realise how important a list by the phone was.

But she’s a teen. You obviously signed consent forms to say she could attend did you not?

I can understand you being pissed at losing your holidays going forward. But you are partly to blame. You are the parent. You could have found out this information in one night- taking or picking her up and asking. Easy. So 🤷🏻‍♀️Lesson learnt.

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