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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To forgive for DP's suppose depression?

21 replies

EllaBelle1990 · 28/05/2019 09:27

I've NC for this as it's quite outing. I have been with my DP for five years and we have no children- although are TTC. We live in DP's hometown after meeting at university- I am 4 hours from home. We are both 29 and were best friends before we got together.

Over the past three months or so, DP has changed. He has gone from loving and affectionate to quite cold and callous at times. He has had a lot go on, he's currently doing a temp job while an application to become a detective in the police goes through, and I had been through a miscarriage recently that put pressure on us.

every time we have deep conversations, DP says that he loves me to bits, can't imagine his life with anyone else, and that he loves our life together. I've given him the option to talk and he says maybe he is depressed. I've told him to perhaps go to the doctors and have been there to support him, and I do love him, a lot. I even asked him at one point if he wanted out of the relationship for a while, if he was feeling so bad and he said a firm no. The relationship is normally really good- similar interests and have a good family/friend network.

I suggested that maybe it would be a good idea for DP to go stay with his parents for two weeks to help him get a clear head (and they love spending time with him too) so I thought all round it would be a good idea- and that I'd visit.

I visited last night and DP started the conversation saying how much he wanted to try, that he was going to go to the doctors, how much he loved me and couldn't wait to try to start our family etc. I left feeling really positive and we had a great afternoon (cinema, meal).

Two hours after I got home- I received a message off a girl on Facebook. Basically saying she felt bad but she had been sexting DP for two nights, that she had commented on one of his pics on instagram and it had gone from there. She said there conversation was purely sexual. I feel sick. I confronted DP on the phone and he said he was devastated, he was sobbing, pleading etc. He said that he was hitting the self destruct button and that he couldn't believe it etc.

He is coming tonight for a talk face to face. If you were me what would you do?

OP posts:

ANewDawn10 · 28/05/2019 09:42

I would feel so upset and not very forgiving. You sound so supportive, even being ok with him staying at his parents and this is how he thanks you. And if this lady didnt contact you how long or how far would it have gone?
So he spent the day with you acting all loved up but secretly doing this behind your back? I would find this hard to forgive.

Stressedout10 · 28/05/2019 09:46

Don't want to be mean but what exactly do you get from this relationship?
Also do not have a child with this man you can't trust him

LagunaBubbles · 28/05/2019 09:47

I would listen to what he has to say and then as much as it would hurt end the relationship. I couldn't forgive this, though I know others would be able to. Depression doesnt make you do this, if indeed he is depressed.

magicBrenda · 28/05/2019 09:52

Ella he has revealed his true nature. Depression does not make you cheat or sext other girls. I’d be asking her to forward to you those messages so you can see what he has done and have proof.

Do not meet him until you have seen those messages.

For me there would be no going back from this. You have no children and can have a clean break. There are men out there that do not behave like this. Why disrespect yourself by letting him get away with this. How will you know he will never do this again.

aweedropofsancerre · 28/05/2019 09:53

So your not married, have no kids and he is sexting another woman after spending the day with you saying how much he wanted to try and loves you? Hmm life is too short It would be a no going back on this one. He is showing you your future. He can’t cope with life stressors, gets cold and callous and that’s before marriage and kids. Nope from me

AuntMarch · 28/05/2019 09:53

Depression isn't an excuse to treat people badly. A couple of flirty messages because the attention feels good but then realising and putting a stop to it, maybe excusable. Two nights worth, no way.

MadeleineMaxwell · 28/05/2019 10:16

Big old nope from me, too. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You deserve better

ChuckleBuckles · 28/05/2019 10:31

This behaviour He has gone from loving and affectionate to quite cold and callous at times was to justify she had been sexting DP for two nights this behaviour.

I would guess, from my own experience, that there is more to this, more girls, more messages. There always is, they always say that is everything, that is all there is to know, and then you find more. Then they sob, cry and promise never again, until the next time.

I would meet him, listen to what he has to say for himself and then ask him what he is going to do to put things right. Look at his actions, not his words, ask him what he will do, (do not tell him what you expect him to do, giving ultimatums won't work, he will agree to anything and then just not do it as he thinks he is forgiven), that will determine if he is willing to put in the work to rebuild trust or if he is the type to make empty promises. Then you will know how to go forward, take a few days alone to think, he can hang out in his parents home and have a think for himself.

ChuckleBuckles · 28/05/2019 10:33

I would also suggest meeting some place neutral, not your home. Go for a walk and chat somewhere so you can leave easily if you do not want to continue the talk and just want to have space.

edwinbear · 28/05/2019 10:36

He's not depressed, that's a cover story. Depression makes you disinterested in other people, when DH is low he sits in the living room, with the lights and TV off, just staring blankly at the wall. He has not the remotest interest in anything during a bad phase, let alone chatting up other women, he wouldn't be able to muster the energy.

I'd not be having DC with him.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 28/05/2019 10:39

My exh also disguised his twatism with depression.
You have given your all op to support him. He has thrown it right back at you.
Count yourself fortunate to have seen his true colours before you ttc.
You will never trust him and he will never take full responsibility for the hurt he has caused you.
Leave him at his dps...

Youllneverguesswhat · 28/05/2019 11:15

The periods where he was cold and callous towards you are probably the times he's been engaging with other women behind your back. That'll probably give you an idea of how many women / how often.

I imagine when you confronted this behaviour he felt he needed some type of excuse you couldn't argue with, and one which makes HIM look like a victim. Depression!

I dealt with a DP who lied and cheated for 6 years. Everytime I found something out I got a sob story to justify the actions. I fell for it numerous times, forgave because i loved him, forgave because sometimes we were great together. But something else always came out. I never ever got the full story from him, he only held his hands up to the bits he was caught red handed over!

After 6 years I finally got to speak to the 'other' woman. I was shocked to find out the actual extent of the lies and cheating.

So, no, dont listen to any sob story! It's just a ploy to make him the victim so you feel bad for him, leading to you forgiving him.

Its unfortunate but you will never know how many women there have been behind your back and I guarantee the evidence will be long gone now hes been rumbled.

There are men out there who can be faithful and treat you with respect, you deserve one of those men. Your DP loves the attention and excitement from other women so leave him to it.

Of course it will hurt so much, but isn't his cold callous behaviour already hurting you? Isn't finding out he has been sexting other women behind your back hurting you already?

From personal experience, staying in a relationship with someone like this keeps the hurt going, it doesnt go away, even after forgiving because you will catch yourself every now and then looking at him wondering how he could do it to you, that he could do it again.

Leaving means you only hurt for a little while. Believe me, 6 months from now you wont even remember his name

MirriVan · 28/05/2019 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grumpos · 28/05/2019 12:16

I would really doubt this is an isolated incident.
It is possible he does love you but perhaps doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and is struggling with acknowledging or accepting it.
Personally I wouldn’t go back, I overlooked something like this at the beginning of a relationship (and eventually married him) and low and behold he had a full on affair one year into the marriage.

whatthehe11 · 28/05/2019 12:17

Run for the hills. My husband and I have had an incredibly challenging couple of years - deaths of close relatives, multiple lost pregnancies, serious illness. I was the one that ended up depressed and whilst I was a bloody nightmare at times I never felt the need to cheat. The depression as an excuse is rubbish. As is the fact that he has a lot on. Seriously if he is going to fall apart, cheat and be a nasty piece of work whenever things go wrong you're going to have a miserable life. You're young with no kids, I'd seriously reconsider my options.

Loopytiles · 28/05/2019 12:19

Stop TTC.

This isn’t about his MH. He’s cheated.

Detective is a highly stressful, long hours and not family friendly job: if he is selected that is unlikely to help matters.

SunniDay · 28/05/2019 12:39

Hi,
I'm willing to go against the grain to say that with your partner's change in character and behaviour and yo yo-ing of presentation between cold/hard/switched off and emotional and needy that he is suffering a mental illness/mental health crisis. People saying "my hubby presents like this..." is all true but not all mental illness is a "straightforward" depressive episode.

Does insomnia feature? It can lead to very bizarre behaviour and psychotic episodes.

If he is suffering a mental health crises he will be terrified - as will you be. Made more complicated by the fact being open about it (seeking medical support) might lead to him not getting his job and feelings of failure applify his problems.

If you think he is not right then if you love him support him and get him to seek help. Unfortunately that might mean the end to his dream job but his health is more important.

I'm sure some people won't get past the "sexting" some who have supported someone through a breakdown/mental health crises/psychotic episode will accept the person can be entirely not themselves.

Shallowhals · 28/05/2019 13:08

In the bin with him. Or you’ll only have yourself to blame when you’re left holding the baby.

Sorry OP, he’s awful

JanuaryOctober · 28/05/2019 13:22

I am the partner of a long term sufferer of depression. It’s so hard, and at the worst of times you really need to cling on to the good things.
Is he worth clinging on to?
You are 29, no children, not married. You sound really supportive and kind. You sound like you deserve someone who sees that in you and appreciates that about you.
Don’t waste your life on someone who doesn’t appreciate you, and then at the darkest of times when you are being so supportive- he responds by sexting other women.
Take the leap, bet of yourself. You deserve better. He’s already out of the house, pack your stuff, find a good friend / group of friends you can stay between until you are on your feet. In 6 months this will be a distant memory. Life is too short.

Treaclesweet · 28/05/2019 13:28

Please walk away while it's still relatively easy. Don't have kids with someone who you don't trust. My partner has long term mental health problems and it is very, very hard.

You don't even know if she's the only one.

MulticolourMophead · 28/05/2019 13:35

Get rid, while he may have MH, that's no excuse to deliberately sext other women.

And there will be more than one. How often do we see MNers telling an OW to stay out of the marriage, leave the wife/partner alone? This one woman had the guts to tell you so I'd bet there are others who have just quietly walked away (or maybe not walked away....).

My ex used his depression as an excuse to be a dick. He's an ex for many, many reasons.

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