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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think I’ve lost all respect for my husband

50 replies

IneedKirstieandPhil · 28/05/2019 08:57

Been together for nearly 15 years.
I’ve gone no contact with his mother after various unacceptable behaviour from her. Dh agreed and did once tell her after she shouted at me when I was expecting that she shouldn’t treat me like that.
Her behaviour continued so I went nc he still sees her and goes to family events as I no longer go the narrative is pretty much I am the bad guy from what I can make out. Dh I don’t feel has challenged this he’s not put people straight- like I would have if the situation was reversed.
Yesterday we were out with the kids and his mum came into the shopping centre at the same time and rather than risking us all bumping into each other he rushed us out.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/05/2019 09:05

Why have you lost all respect for him over something that's not his fault? This is his dm, your MIL! Shock We haven't been told what the unacceptable behaviour by her was, or what part you played in the rift.

Pa1oma · 28/05/2019 09:07

It’s his mother OP. Whether he agrees with her or not, she’s still his mother. He’s in a very difficult position.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 28/05/2019 09:13

What exactly do you think he should have done? It’s horrible when family members don’t get on. It sounds like he’s well and truly caught in the middle, I feel sorry for the guy TBH.

UmpetyLumpety · 28/05/2019 09:18

He's stuck between his mother and his wife. I respect him for avoiding a confrontation. YABU.

PurpleDaisies · 28/05/2019 09:20
Confused

What did you expect him to do? It’s a very awkward position for him to be in.

AriaFitz · 28/05/2019 09:22

This thread is very different from the usual MIL threads where OP’s are told they have a DH problem not a MIL when their husband isn’t on the wife’s side Confused

MulticolourMophead · 28/05/2019 09:23

People are only ever in the middle if they want to be.

Alwaysgrey · 28/05/2019 09:24

My MIL has been very passive aggressive over the years. Turning up with things for her son and first grandchild when coming to meet her second grandchild, only offering her son food and drink when we went to see her. My dh never called her out. It was very very frustrating. We argued about it a lot but gradually he’s distanced himself from her. It hasn’t been easy for him and at times I really disliked him as with anyone else he is quite forward just not with his mother.

BertrandRussell · 28/05/2019 09:26

Does he have to not see her as well because you don’t? What are you expecting him to do?

CruellaFeinberg · 28/05/2019 09:34

its a real tough one, he obviously wants to stay in contact with his DM and thinks the best way is to keep her away from you

as I no longer go the narrative is pretty much I am the bad guy from what I can make out. Dh I don’t feel has challenged this he’s not put people straight- like I would have if the situation was reversed.

How do you know what is happening there? are you hearing it 3rd hand?

chuttypicks · 28/05/2019 09:35

You're absolutely right @AriaFitz . Every other time there has been a MIL thread, the DH is to blame for not sticking up for his wife. Why has everything changed today?

EggAndButter · 28/05/2019 09:37

He clearly can see her if he wants to. The OP has not stoppe him from doing that.
Her issue is the fact he has NOT put things rights with other family members and ket the narrative of ‘its all INeed’s fault’ run wo ever challenging it. Either with other family members or with her. Basically she feels he doesn’t have her back....

Mumminmum · 28/05/2019 09:41

Yes, that is a DH problem.

Adversecamber22 · 28/05/2019 09:41

As it stands you don’t see her and he does, that is absolutely fine.

He cannot change his Mothers opinion nor yours I suspect, I think avoiding confrontation is the best thing in these circumstances.

So the challenge you want him to put forward, what is it that she has actually done . I don’t want to hijack but I’m giivng you my own cautionary tale.

I fell out with my SIL and refused to see her, she did something at my child’s funeral that was unacceptable and also hit my other child a couple of years later which was the final straw. I will never ever like her but I tolerated her at her Fathers funeral last year. I personally hope that things will improve but there is something deeply wrong with my SIL. No amount of challenging or trying to talk reason will ever change her. It was tried but made the situation worse. The only thing I can change is my own personal reaction to her. She was the reason DH and I broke up briefly in what had been a very long and happy marriage. So I do understand your position, I was very like you in wanting my DH to sort her out but he couldn’t. I was still in the early stages of bereavement and hardly rational at that point. I view her as actually bloody evil but it’s still his sister. He only sees her once a year as she lives abroad.

recrudescence · 28/05/2019 09:47

Try to see it from your husband’s point of view. You wanted no contact and, in the shopping centre, he prevented you from having any contact. Perhaps he thought he was doing the right thing.

Don’t make him choose between you and his mother - that way madness lies.

Adversecamber22 · 28/05/2019 09:49

I think quite often in the MIL threads the wife or GF is expected to still see the MIL and spend time with them. It’s not the case here.

BertrandRussell · 28/05/2019 09:59

It’s interesting that nobody ever suggests that it might be six of one and half a dozen of the other, or even the woman’s fault. The man is always expected to “have his wite’s back” and “put his family straight”. What if he disagrees with her?

Jaxhog · 28/05/2019 10:03

Don’t make him choose between you and his mother - that way madness lies.

As you aren't there, you don't really know what he say or does. Provided he has your back when you're together, I'd go with that. At least he doesn't insist you see her.

notacooldad · 28/05/2019 10:04

I think your Dh did a clever move.
It avoided confrontation. He can't kick her out of the mall.You didn't see her and yet you are still not happy.
Does your MIL have a DIL problem?

GirlsBlouse17 · 28/05/2019 10:05

What was the Mils unacceptable behaviour OP?

BertrandRussell · 28/05/2019 10:06

Well, actually, if his mother had been really awful then he might have to choose between her and his wife. But in most family fall outs, I agree, he shouldn’t have to. He shouldn’t insist on his wife seeing his mum, though

Hithere12 · 28/05/2019 10:14

We haven't been told what the unacceptable behaviour by her was, or what part you played in the rift

She already said this woman shouted at her??! Shouting at someone is abusive and I’d go NC with someone like that as well.

BertrandRussell · 28/05/2019 10:16

“She already said this woman shouted at her??! Shouting at someone is abusive and I’d go NC with someone like that as well”
Really? So every couple who has ever had a noisy row should divorce immediately? Surely it depends on context, what it was about, who said what....a million things.

MrsCBY · 28/05/2019 10:32

Strange that you can’t differentiate between a couple having a noisy row and a MIL shouting at her pregnant DIL, Bertrand. They’re very different dynamics.

OP you do have a DH problem. As others have said, it’s not the fact that he still sees her that’s the problem in itself, it’s the fact that he hasn’t got your back. He knows his mother has behaved unacceptably towards you but in his mind it’s still somehow your failing.

Sounds like he’s still in the “FOG” (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that many adult children of unreasonable parents experience and having regular contact with his mother will only be perpetuating that.

I suggest you repost this in Relationships and also have a look at the book Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward. It might shed some light on things for you.

10percentbatteryremaining · 28/05/2019 10:39

Funny how these threads go. If the first response had been 'your husband should be sticking up for you' all the rest would have followed.