To ask how to help my DB?

[twojackrusselsandamoggie]

This will be long! And I've namechanged as this could be quite outing. I've been around years though, honest .
My DB's world fell apart last year when his wife and partner of 20 years told him that she had been having affair and wanted a divorce. They have a DD 13, and a DS 17. He moved out with the DC's (their choice) to our DM's house. His DD saw his mum a little straight away, his DS took a few months as he was so angry with his mum, but now sees her fairly regularly. My DB let his children take the lead in this, as he should.

My SIL chose to be a SAHM for many years, only recently getting a part time job. So my DB provided financially which he was of course happy to do, as they were a team. But she would regularly have a go at him for not earning enough, make financial choices that were beyond their means etc. She took on her job reluctantly, as DB said that if she wanted to spend more she had to earn it, as he couldn't earn any more than he did. Sounds fair enough to me? My DB had a house when they got together, which she did not contribute to financially. They moved two years ago, to a bigger house paid for by the sale of the old one (owned outright) and a mortgage paid for by my DB.
This house is now being sold, and the profit will be split 50/50. However, my SIL keeps demanding more, as she wants to buy a property in a specific area which she could not afford with the initial money she will get. At present, my DB is paying all the running costs of their current house plus her car loan etc as she only has minimum income of her own. But she keeps asking for more.

Their DD is spending 50/50 time with DB/SIL at the moment. DD is happy with this. But SIL is now demanding it change to 80/20 as she thinks this is fairer. She has started to make promises to DD about what she will get if she agrees to the change, and DD is starting to turn. This is devastating DB, as he has tried his hardest to be as neutral as he can be about SIL in front of the DC's, and his DC's are his life. He believes now that SIL is angling for maintenance, but can't vocalise this as it's a horrible thought so he just dare not even suggest it.

I don't see DB often as I live 3hrs away, and he's not one for long phone conversations. I saw him on Saturday for the first time in a while, and he looks broken. He just wants the whole thing sorted. But SIL keeps moving the goalposts, and saying that he is the awful one for not giving in. His funds are now really limited, so he's really reluctant to pay for lawyers / mediation etc. In theory, it should be so simple. House proceeds 50/50, DC's time split 50/50. But she just will not let this happen. She believes he owes her so much more. But I just don't see how he could? I'm unlikely to ever see her again. My DM is trying to stay out of it other than being emotional support for DB, but SIL has taken her anger out on her several times as she blames her for the DC's not wanting to spend as much time with SIL as she thinks they should.

My DB is a lovely,kind straightforward man who just wants to get on with things

Sounds like it will be worth paying for solicitor/mediation as it may work out cheaper in the long run. Some solicitors offer a free half hour consultation which may be a good idea for him.

You can't reason with the unreasonable. He needs to pay for legal advice and get it done properly for once and all. What about pension for example?

Thanks @Kahlua4me I agree. He really doesn't want to do this but I think he's going to be left with no choice. He's very aware of his finances as they are at the moment, but long term he going to be worse off if he keeps giving in.

I haven't asked him about a pension @AJPTaylor but I imagine he has a modest private one. This is going to sound really mean, but I don't actually think SIL would think about that, as she's not very financially intelligent and I don't think she has a lawyer advising her on these things at the mo. I could be totally wrong, though.

Here's my experience: (limited to one messy divorce!)(messy due to XH pissing about) a decent family lawyer will advise that the family home is split with the greater share going towards the main carer of the children with consideration towards their housing and financial needs until they are adults. I was unaware of the pension bit as well and was advised to ask for a claim on part of XHs pension when it came through but i declined to do that as i was trying to keep it simple and confided to the house sale and getting him to pay maintanance. I had sole care of the 3 DCs physically and financially at that point though and had left the family home with them so my situation was a bit different.

When there are children involved almost every consideration is seen through the lens of 'what's best for the children' rather than 'what the adults would prefer'. Rightly so. A good family solicitor will cut through all the shit and get down to basics. No he said she said. I was so grateful to mine.

I worked while i was with XH, but iirc was told that being a SAHM would still have been seen as contributing towards the household financially - taking into account the child care costs which would have been accrued otherwise.

My solicitor was obviously 'on my side' and pushed for at least what i was entitled to, but still advocated for as much as possible to be agreed through mediation between ourselves. For speed apart form anything else.

DB and SIL should both get a decent solicitor for the sake of sorting things out for the children.

@Laiste thanks for telling me your experience. I totally agree that SIL's time as a SAHM should be fully recognised. At the moment DB has the DC's over 50% as the older one does minimal overnights with SIL through choice. So she has no claim for maintenance as far as I can see.

Financially I really feel for DB as before he met SIL he owned his (very modest) home outright. Now they will both probably be able to buy a small flat each. That's just the way it is, I know. But SIL thinks she deserves / should get more, as do her family. I just do not understand why!

Regarding custody, there is no reason at all why it can't be 50/50. Again I think she believes that because she's their mother, she's entitled to more. But she's not, as far as I'm aware.

He really needs a lawyer!

He really does need a lawyer esp with having kids involved.
My dp went through something similar when he and exW slit years ago. The kids had all left home by then and he thought he didn't need a lawyer as he was being more than fair (she stayed in the house he had solely paid for, she kept everything when the split, he paid every single bill for her in the family home even though he had moved out and had his own bills to pay). She worked for 15 years ft in a well paid job but kept her money she earned and didn't contribute to the household bills.

He stupidly thought that as he had been more than generous after the split that the courts would see this when it came to the divorce and agree that what he had paid and given her was more than fair, they didn't and he got totally financially screwed over.

Anyway that's a long story. Boils down to ur DB 100% needing a lawyer. Trying to do it without the legal advice just doesn't work. Goalposts get changed etc and she will always be wanting more as she sounds like that type of person.

I'm going to push (gently as he doesn't take kindly to being told what to do, even when he needs it!) him to try and go for mediation, or / and the free 30mins legal advice. Thanks all.

I agree he needs to get legal advice, then the negotiations can be done entirely through solicitors. That can be much cheaper in the long run. This needs to be resolved so that both your DB and his ex can get on with their lives and the effect on the children kept to a minimum.

Good luck, it’s great that your DB has your support.