To move to hometown and change DS school?

[TinyDancer69]

I’ve posted on Mumsnet in the past about this issue. But it keeps popping up and my head is all over the place trying to do the right thing for me and DS. I seem completely unable to make a decision, so please bear with me...

I am a single parent to my almost 7 year old DS. We have lived in this town now for 4 years, following the breakdown of my relationship with DS’ father. DS sees his dad EOW and once during the week. They have a good relationship and we get along pretty well, which did take time after we broke up.He lives about 30 mins from us.

My problem is twofold: I am alone here, no family or support network nearby apart from ex-DP and a couple of friends. I often feel acutely lonely and sometimes it’s a struggle to stay positive. I thought that when DS started school we would both meet friends and things would get better.

But DS is just finishing Year 2 and has struggled to make friends at school. He did have a ‘best’ friend in Year 1, but he seems to have moved on to another group of boys. DS isn’t upset so much but does tell me some of the kids tell him he’s annoying, which breaks my heart and just fuels the fire of my own loneliness.

Essentially I’m a single parent in a town where I have no roots and the thought of going through another year like this makes me incredibly sad.

I have tried to settle here because it’s a lovely town with good schools, nice people and DS dad isn’t too far. But I keep thinking about moving to my hometown where my family are (sister and aunt and cousins- both my parents are dead). They would be able to provide some support but more importantly emotional support. And my job is flexible so that’s not a barrier. However DS’ dad would be heartbroken and would only see him EOW.

I’ve completely lost sight of what is best but the thought of feeling like this for the next 10 years fills me with dread 😟 I just wonder if fate or my own gut feeling is telling me to go but until now I’ve ignored it...

How far is it? Do you drive and does your ex?

The grass is n’t always greener, if you move you may find your family are busy with their own lives.it won’t necessarily be easier to make friends in a new town.

Can you improve your life in the town you live ? join clubs etc.

I’mTheCaddy my hometown is about an hour from here, so well over an hour from exDP.

Northernparent Yes, that is very true and TBH it’s why I’ve stayed put. But I can’t go on feeling like this. I’m becoming quite isolated and I’m scared it will start to affect DS.

Have you spoken to ex? Explained exactly you how you are feeling?
From what you've said he would only loose out on 1 night a week. Could you make up that time in the holidays?

I'd go. An hour is not far away, if things are amicable with his dad you can make up time he will lose in a flexible way

You sound like you need a fresh start

I would move in a shot. With a positive attitude, and the expectation to find friends, work and company.

An hour's journey isn't that far for Ex to commute at the weekends, and in holidays. Or you could meet him half way, if that makes it any easier.

Thanks for replying.

purpleboy Yes I have spoken to him about it before but not for a while. He reluctantly accepted it in theory but said he’d be devastated if DS moved. Part of my dilemma is upsetting ex-DP even though he is settled and has been with his GF since we split.

outnotdown That’s what I feel... it feels like I know in my heart it’s what I want but I’m scared of making a mistake and of upsetting the balance with DS’ dad.

I think you need to do what's best for you. You will be no use to your son if you are no use to yourself.
Of course ex will be upset, but as long as you keep putting the effort into maintaining their relationship with ex then I think it will be better for everyone all round.
Logistically how will it work? Do you both drive?

Thanks purpleboy . We both drive and I would absolutely do whatever was necessary to make it work. It’s the proximity to his DF that has kept me here for 4 years. But I am constantly feeling lonely and depressed and knowing there’s no one like a partner or family nearby compounds that feeling. If DS school was working out well I’d probably stay all things considered. But the fact that he’s coming to the end of primary 2 and has had literally 2 play dates in that time just leaves me feeling what on earth I’m doing here 😟

Sorry you're feeling so lonely
About moving, though, how much support can your family realistically give if you move back? Are you thinking of dropping in most days, are they ok with that? Otherwise, you're only an hour away, it's not that difficult to go and see them every week or two right now. For me there would need to be much more contact than that to make it worth moving your son away from his father, they will see each other a lot less losing the weekly overnight.
Do you still have friends there or would you be starting over?If you have to work at it anyway, perhaps better to do that where you are now. Good luck whatever you decide!

Is there a reason why your DS has not made any friends? Would he have similar issues if you moved school?

Does he go to something like Beavers/Cubs where he could make friends outside of school. You may also meet other parents and widen your social circle.

What do you do on weekends when your ex has your DS? Are there things you can go to when you don’t have to worry about childcare?

Thanks so much for replying.

Painted - honestly I don’t really know. Probably on weekends mainly because I work 4 full days and busy with working around DS school too. I only have family there though, no friends because I moved away nearly 30 years ago, so would start from scratch, apart from family. And it would reduce time with his dad which I can only really justify if I’m 100% sure moving is the right thing.

ineedaholiday DS is bit immature for his age. His teacher has said this and that he has annoyed some of the kids in class, mainly by not reading ‘stop’ signs and then being excluded from games, by one child in particular. I’ve spoken to the teacher which is when she told me that it’s a maturity thing, and that she is not worried. I can see it myself but I know he’ll be ok but I just wish he could build more relationships. It breaks my heart that the other kids all have their BFs and I know he’s feeling insecure about it. I’ve noticed he hangs back in the playground at school drop off. But he doesn’t cry or get upset or complain, he’s pretty resilient thankfully. I know he’d love more friends and I can’t help feeling maybe we both just need a new start.

I think there are two entirely different issues here. One is your DS and his social issues.. I totally get this, my DS is in y5 and is desperate to have friends and playdates but he is ASD and doesn't relate well to his peers. He did actually move schools when we relocated and it didn't change. He's OK, has people to play with but never gets invited round to anyone's house. Unless there is a specific problem with individual kids or school systems, and you're otherwise happy with the school, that in itself isn't enough to justify the move. Keep talking to his teacher, ask for specific strategies to be put in place. Try role playing playtime with him.. How does he go up to a group and ask to play, how does he suggest a game etc.

The other issue is your feelings. As pp have said, an hour isn't that far for you to go see family once a week anyway and are they really likely to suddenly become your everyday companions if you moved? Have you asked them?

I think possibly a first option would be to tell ex that maybe he could step up to two nights plus eow and you get out there and build yourself a bit of a life. Gym, hobbies, pub quiz, yoga class, art class whatever. Try a new approach where you are first. Equally, an hour isn't that far if you did decide to move but there is a fairly significant difference in contact if you drop that midweek night. Mine only see their dad eow (his choice) and he really doesn't know much about their lives or what's going on day to day. Try to keep the two issues separate though.

Thank you so much Angrybird I know deep down you are right. And honestly if my DS friends issue was a lot better I’d feel better too. When he tells me about what has happened at school (it’s not often he does, but he’s the type of boy to keep things to himself unless prompted) I feel overwhelmed with emotion about our situation as being on our own with no real support structure to take the edge off. And then my default instinct is to get away from here. I’m so aware of that and it’s why i haven’t upped and gone by now, because I know it’s not a logical solution. But the draw to do so is so strong at those times.

I haven’t even thought about asking ex to increase his time. Not sure if he would- he’s good but very rigid in the time he has at the moment. It’s worth thinking about though especially if the result of not helping more is me dragging DS 50 miles across the country just to feel support and connected...

Ps I’m sorry to hear about your little DS too - bless him, I hope things improve for him as he gets older. It’s so hard when your child is unhappy and rejected. Thanks for your tips too, I will try them out and see how that goes.

If it were me I would move closer to my family. You might meet more people through your family, such as your sister's friends and their children. I live far from my family but round the corner from MIL FIL. We get on really well, but if I split from DH and had no family of my own here I would move back to my family but arrange longer stays with DH