How to get past hate?

[Pgqio]

A work colleague has ruined my life. I can't go into too much detail but suffice to say my career is in the shitter because of her actions. I'm signed off sick with stress and anxiety. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about smashing her head in. I hate her but I hate myself more for these thoughts. I don't want to be consumed by this but it's all I seem to think about. I would never ever do anything to her but how do you stop wanting to?

Are you taking practical steps to salvage what you can from the situation for yourself? Focusing on facts and finding out what you can do is very helpful in these situations. You know revenge won’t help, but justice might.

I'm in the middle of a Disciplinary Investigation. The union has been brilliant. She admitted to me that she should never have flagged it up to management but "too late now" with a little simper. I had to walk away, I wanted to strangle her.
I hate the whole concept of revenge but this has turned me into a monster.

So you did something wrong and are angry because you got rumbled?

It's not that simple. It's bad practice that's flourished because of budget cuts and a terrible lack of support from management and poor training. I feel scapegoated I guess.

Well it sounds like she flagged something you did to management that was a sackable offence. Is that the case? If so, your gut reaction is to blame someone else. That is easy. But you need to come to terms that you were the one who did it in the first place.

I suggest you get professional help if you are dreaming about hurting another person. if you are signed off sick, you should be able to get a NHS referral.

Sounds horrendous, I’m so sorry. Try and get rid of your adrenaline somehow in a physical way, punch a cushion, shout somewhere privately. Resolve to defend yourself. Good luck.

Time and emotional distance will be the only cure for these feelings I think. In the meantime, focus on getting through the disciplinary process. Allow your friends/family/partner in to support you.

Thank you. And yes I accept my personal responsibility in the matter.

It doesn't sound like a good environment. Could this be the opportunity to change to something you have always wanted to try? I'm not diminishing the hate you feel. I'm trying to consider could you channel it in a different direction thus reducing the need to hate.

I plan on leaving as soon as it's resolved but I have no idea what to do next.

I had a boss who tore my long-standing career into pieces for her own gain. I felt scared, angry and shocked that somebody would do that to me.

I have used it as a springboard to completely change my circumstances. I took the advice often given on here that 'the best revenge is living well.'

I am slimmer, fitter, and spending tonnes of time with my kids. I might also take her to tribunal but I haven't decided on that yet.

It sounds like you’re using her as a focus for your anger.

Sorry to say it doesn’t sound like she actually did much wrong! If she flagged up something serious enough that you’re being investigated then she hasn’t acted unreasonably.

I don’t say that to rub it in or anything but to say that she mightn’t be the best place to focus on right now.

Would you benefit from talking to a solicitor do you think? If your job are somehow responsible too?

The support is very much appreciated. Thanks for all the comments.

That makes sense Ivana

I have been in work environments where similar things have happened for the same reasons. You probably are being scapegoated even if your practice wasn't the best. All I can say is channel the anger in to your defence, ie don't let them get away with their responsibility as employees. Get all of the evidence you can re lack of training, performance pressures versus management support etc. Don't let them scapegoat you easily, acknowledge your mistakes but give them a fight and get your evidence together. You will feel so much better for having done that and may even decide to stay in the job.

I appreciate that tensmum

Also. Focus on a responsibility pie- who has responsibility for the problem by what percentage e.g project manager for delivering a poor fix 20%, manager for allowing less staff than required 50%, me for not refusing to work in substandard process etc 10%, your colleague for not reporting earlier 10%, everyone who knew about it 10%. Make a mind map of it. Perhaps seeing all the factors/people that contributed will make you achieve more clarity. Also, write a list of all your mitigating circumstances and what you'd do differently next time. This is what they want to hear in a disciplinary and might make you seethe less.

In terms of what else to do that's an interesting exploration in itself.

I agree that you’re fixating your anger on her. I could understand if she lied and made something up, but it sounds her report was the truth - employees shouldn’t have to suffer from retaliation (ie your extreme anger) for raising valid concerns. It seems like you didn’t think what happened was that serious, and it seems like she didn’t think her report would be followed up to this extent, but she hasn’t done anything wrong. It doesn’t sound like she purposely set out to ruin your life (but then again, I don’t know the full details)

I would love to hear people’s responses on this as I also struggle with someone at work, it’s a different situation in that work kept changing the goal posts to give her promotions prematurely right after I had earnt mine the hard way, but she is so smug and arrogant about it.

I am also making plans to leave but would appreciate advice on how to deal with having to see someone every day who, if I am honest, I hate.

Similar has happened to me in the past. I totally understand your hatred. It's a channelling of all the emotions and feelings about the situation - it all comes together and manifests in this insane hatred. I get it. I've been there.
I had to have stern words with myself because it was eating my life. I had to tell myself that you can't change the past or even the present but the future - that you can take steps to ensure your emotional health.
That twat will always be a twat. Always. You are not a twat and will not be that twat.
Good luck with it all - it WILL pass.

I think defusing hate is about understanding the others perception and understanding they have a right to hold those opinions/ act that way. Just as you have to disagree with their way of being/ doing. Having a strategy to deal with them in an adult fashion, minimising your interaction. It's also important to understand why they make you so angry.
Do you hold beliefs that you could soften like "you never grass", or "we must be equal" or "achievement must be earned fairly".

Taking all this on board, it's really helpful to have such intelligent and thoughtful advice.