Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother issues

19 replies

Crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2019 17:36

I want to go NC or at least low contact with my mother. I have posted about her several times, and her behaviour has become increasingly worse. Criticising my mothering, calling my baby difficult (which is my fault obviously) and making constant personal attacks on me when I try to stand up for myself (eg why am I looking for conflict when I dare to question her). I’ve had enough.

However, she loves my son and wants to see him and he wants to see her. I am minded to let this continue, mostly because I feel extremely bullied by my brothers who act as her bodyguards and will accuse me of using my son as a weapon blah blah blah.

I suppose I just want to understand if people are NC or low contact with parents, how they manage this? (But framed in an AIBU way 😬)

OP posts:
Mrspiggy456 · 27/05/2019 17:47

Apologies, I haven't seen all your previous posts regarding mother.
From what you say here, it looks like you've reached your limit and decided enough is enough. You don't need negativity and toxic people in your life. It's possible to got NC or low contact with your mother if that's what you need to do to be happy. There are ways for her to see your child without you having to see her much - just as long as she doesn't make negative comments to your son about you.
Most importantly though, don't be bullied by anyone

TheWernethWife · 27/05/2019 17:49

Do you want her to bully your son if he does something she doesn't like.

Nofilter101 · 27/05/2019 17:54

I've been here very recently and have cut all contact. There was a big history before dc though.

After dc I realised how abusive her behaviour was and after years of watching how she acts and putting it into context of how abusive she is I've broken ties. Dc is 3 coming up for 4 and my mother isn't allowed to see her because she is an abusive personality and she will try to turn her against me as she has already tried to do/set the ground work to do this.

It's your job to protect your dc and help them to form healthy non abusive relationships.

Original poster
Crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2019 17:57

He is only 10 months so it’s very difficult to justify them not spending time together as they do really love each other.

Honestly she is completely emotionally abusive towards me though but not to my brothers so she seems very ok with males - and they are so oblivious.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 27/05/2019 18:09

If she cannot treat you with basic respect and courtesy, then in some ways, if you are going nc, I think it would be easier to do that sooner, rather than later, and easier on your son. As to 'using your son as a weapon', that's what they're doing - against you, if they use your son as a way to emotionally blackmail you into continuing contact so your mother and son still have contact.

And it's your right and responsibility to make these decisions based on what is best for you, not your mother, not your brothers.

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 27/05/2019 18:18

I went NC with my mum for CONSTANT overstepping of boundaries with regards to my DC and the subsequent drama that ensued as I wasn't willing to let her away with it.

I had 2 years of bliss. Then she got back in touch and to be honest it's been COMPLETELY different. She seemed to have an epiphany - that I am a grown adult and ultimately the person who makes the FINAL decisions about my DC (not her). She also came to the realisation that I didn't need her - I was able to successfully get on with my life. She no longer tests/pushes boundaries and, as such, has been allowed back into the DCs life.

Deelish75 · 27/05/2019 18:25

You say she is very okay with males so what if your next child is a girl? Will she continue this cycle with your children?

bridgetreilly · 27/05/2019 18:25

I would consider not only how she treats your DS, but how he sees her treat you. She might be fine to him, but it is not good AT ALL for him to see her abusing or bullying you. He needs to grow up learning to respect his mother, and indeed, to respect women, not thinking it's okay to treat them however you like.

60secondfacetimer · 27/05/2019 18:28

Your son is still a baby he won't even know who she is when he gets a little older. If your going NC it would have to be with your son too otherwise she will always be in your life in some way or another passing hurtful comments.

cheeseislife8 · 27/05/2019 18:31

My concern would be if you're NC with her but your DS isn't, when he's old enough to be manipulated that's exactly what she'd do.

Original poster
Crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2019 18:37

But how would I explain going NCand also DS without everyone accusing me of using him as a weapon?! I don’t want my brothers to hate me too

OP posts:
mbosnz · 27/05/2019 18:40

You come as a package. If your Mum cannot treat you with basic courtesy and lack of toxicity then regretfully, as a result of you refusing to give her the opportunity to mistreat you, she will lose out on the opportunity to see DS. She is choosing the consequence by choosing the action.

Original poster
Crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2019 18:42

mbosnz

Your phrasing is elegant and I agree with the sentiments entirely. I will, however, be told I am holding him to ransom and that everyone will have to walk on eggshells around me otherwise I will takeDS away.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 18:43

Why not? They already do hate you surely, if thet act as your mother's bullying henchmen.

None of these people are anything other than negative influences on your son - especially as he is a boy.

Do you want to re-read this thread and bitterly regret not severing these ties when your baby is a 14-year old bully himself who despises you, won't listen to a word you say and tells you 'You're a shit mother, granny's always said so, she loves me more than you anyway!' ??

Toxic people are toxic to everyone. Almost more so for the people they 'love'.

It won't be long before your mother is teaching your baby how to despise you, and your brothers are teaching him he's more their 'boy' than he is yours.

Really, read some of the toxic family threads on here and for the love of god get your baby and yourself away from them, and have a fresh start.

And it doesn't matter what they say.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 18:45

Oh and your baby is ten months.

He doesn't 'want to see her'.

He soon will, when he's a toddler who she's teaching to listen to her not you and feeding him sweets behind your back and telling him 'don't listen to silly mummy, we don't want her, do we?'

It will be too late in a few years.

Can you move away?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/05/2019 18:46

As your son grows older he will surely notice the way she treats you. Do you want him to think it's ok to act like that towards you? If your brothers really cant understand you wanting to keep your family away from someone that bullies you then they are being totally unreasonable.

What if you have a little girl one day? How would that play out?

Original poster
Crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2019 18:46

FizzyGreenWater

Your advice is always excellent

OP posts:
NauseousMum · 27/05/2019 19:16

Your brothers should have stood up for you a long time ago and supported you. Instead they went along with the abuse. Do they have dc? OHs? Be interesting how get treated by your mum and brothers.

RosaWaiting · 27/05/2019 19:17

Fizzy has said everything that needs to be said Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page