AIBU to ask how you handle talking about coercive control with other people?

[ScoobyCan]

Can I ask how those of you who have been in abusive relationships talk to close family members and friends about what happened without feeling nervous / ashamed / guilty?

I feel exhausted just talking to my therapist and my solicitor, even though they know how to support me, and are really good at giving me the space in which to feel safe to talk. I've had to be in touch with certain other professionals (for example police, children's services, GP and other health care professionals), and they are kind and supportive, and I feel like they genuinely don't think I'm wasting their time (or that I'm being utterly pathetic by being scared of my abuser) which has always been my main worry.

I have a couple of very close friends who I confide in, who have known for a long time now that things were not acceptable within my marriage. Mediation broke down because of the sustained and continued abuse. Divorce is imminent.

But when it comes to some people, I feel like they blame me for bringing it upon myself. For "allowing" the control to manifest and continue. For being "naive" about the finances. For being manipulated for so long that I ended up (not any more) actually defending my abuser.

AIBU to ask: how do you get it across / talk about it without feeling absolutely ashamed, and without apologising for what has in fact happened to you? I understand that the dynamics have shifted within friendships and family relationships but do I really have to explain myself? It is upsetting to have to relive the crap I've been teaching my brain to process and compartmentalise, so I don't have to think about it.

Do you have to explain yourself? I usually keep it to 'he wasn't very nice, with an example of one of the worst things he did if people seem to be unsure of what that means. I only share more details with women who have been through/i suspected are going through similar. My friends and family have never been particularly supportive and I don't see any benefit for me to share such painful memories if I'm not going to be met with 100% belief and sympathy.

I tend not to bother as nobody seems to understand. Apart from my very close friends, my sister and my mum, most people think I’m overreacting or bringing it myself because they can’t believe my charming ex would behave like that. I’ve had to distance myself from friends that are still his friends.

Thank you @meiisme. I guess I'm asking the question because I don't really know why I should feel the need to justify myself when I'm not the bad guy here. Like you, I haven't encountered much understanding or support from those who I would have (before all this) said I could have relied on 100%. I'm sort of assuming now, with the experience I've had, that a messy divorce revealing an abusives relationship really shows you who your friends are - and that doesn't necessarily include family. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

But when it comes to some people, I feel like they blame me for bringing it upon myself. For "allowing" the control to manifest and continue. For being "naive" about the finances. For being manipulated for so long that I ended up (not any more) actually defending my abuser.

Acquaint them with the work of Zoe Lodrick. I believe she has videos on youtube.

She delivered training on issues surrounding abusive relationships to everyone on the project I used to work on. Not onlu was it invaluable when it came to working with clients, but it made me realise that I was in an abusive relationship and helped me to end it.

Anyone who judges someone for something that someone else has perpetrated is a bit of a twat, frankly - the perpetrator is the only one responsible.

Thank you @LakieLady I shall have a look at Zoe's work and see if anything she has discussed might help.

@CorbynsAnorak - this because they can’t believe my charming ex would behave like that. I’ve had to distance myself from friends that are still his friends resonates with me. It's why the situation is so hateful. He presents as such an upstanding gent. And yet he makes my skin crawl.