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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU here?

21 replies

Pluto1976 · 27/05/2019 14:23

Deliberately going light on specifics here.

SIL has been convicted for a very serious offense. Child related, non-contact offense. PIL knew she was arrested and the nature of the arrest, but didn’t know the full details until it came out in court.

We knew nothing at all about any of this until after the court case. SIL came on a family holiday with us and PIL and she came and stayed at our house with PIL between the arrest and the court case. We were totally unaware of anything untoward.

We have cut ALL contact with SIL. DH wants to maintain a relationship with his parents. I don’t. AIBU to think he should put his kids and me first and cut all ties? To me, what they have done is unforgivable and I don’t understand why he wants to have anything more to do with them. He says he can’t cope with losing his entire family, and they didn’t know the truth about SIL offenses and although they were stupid not to tell us, they aren’t bad people.

OP posts:

Morgan12 · 27/05/2019 14:33

So they knew it was a child related offence?

If so I'd be asking him to cut contact.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2019 14:34

You said yourself the PIL didn't know the full extent of her crimes. Why do you feel the need to punish them so harshly?

MingeOnFire · 27/05/2019 14:36

Yabu to expect DH to cut all contact. You can refuse to see them, but they are still his parents and I can understand why he feels the way he does

Pppppppp1234 · 27/05/2019 14:36

Indecent images? Cut ties!

Original poster

Pluto1976 · 27/05/2019 15:26

They knew she had been arrested. She told them a ‘watered down’/less serious version of why. They maintain the truth didn’t come to light until court. My point is, we should have been told immediately when they found out about the arrest. And they should never have allowed her to come on holiday with us/stay at our house.

OP posts:

NauseousMum · 27/05/2019 15:27

Depends how much they knew. I would be lc for sure as they knew she had offenses against a child and didn't tell you plus still invited her.

Nothing unsupervised either. You know you can't trust them, if its her vs your dc- she is golden.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/05/2019 15:31

Yabu. It’s his decisionwhetger to maintain a relationship with his parents. If you don’t want to see them, then don’t. But they’re HIS parents. And he still wants to see them.

UmpetyLumpety · 27/05/2019 15:39

They didn't know the full details. They didn't do the crime.

YABU. Don't punish the parents for the sins of their child.

TidyDancer · 27/05/2019 15:42

YABU and I suspect you probably will realise that as time goes on. You can certainly put safeguards in where the DCs are concerned but you absolutely can't and shouldn't tell DH he can't see his family. That is beyond cruel.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/05/2019 15:44

They owed you the truth. If you punish them it’s not for her crimes but for the dishonesty and lack of safeguarding of your children. I wouldn’t let them have any unsupervised contact with your children because their judgement is so poor.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 27/05/2019 15:45

Do you have children? Were your children in any danger from SIL? I think the offence (and the offence your PIL thought had taken place) may make a difference to how I treat you PIL. If they knowingly left your children in immediate danger I'd be tempted to cut them off too, but I think supervised contact would be a more appropriate way to make sure there are no further lapses in judgement.

BishopofBathandWells · 27/05/2019 15:54

Tricky. I don't think you're being unreasonable in your feelings but I don't think your DH is being unreasonable not to want to lose his family.

Despite not knowing the full extent of her crime, your PIL are probably struggling to bring themselves to terms with the truth and perhaps don't actually believe she's guilty? Could that be why they didn't say anything?

I'd go LC for sure, and no unsupervised contact with DCs, but I don't think you can ask your DH to cut ties with them. Sorry OP, sounds like a horrible situation.

mummyhaschangedhername · 27/05/2019 15:54

Hmmmm ... it depends on a lot of factors I suppose. What the crime was and what you in-laws knew. They may have thought it wasn't true and it wasn't until court it all came out. Do you have children?

Original poster

Pluto1976 · 27/05/2019 16:05

We have children. One of my children as additional needs and has presented with significant behavioral issues for some time now. So my immediate reaction on finding out this news was one of horror. I immediately contacted the police and our pediatrician and as far as we can be, we are sure neither of the children have come to any harm. But by allowing SIL contact, I am of the opinion that pil put our children in direct risk.

I have already said that pil can only have supervised contact, with me there. I suspect they think it can all be brushed under the carpet and we are ‘getting back to normal.’ I will never trust their judgement again and if it were my parents, I’d cut ties.

They should have told us what they knew, from the beginning. Or if not that, they should have put a stop to SIL visiting us/staying over/coming on hol with us. ESPECIALLY given our eldest child’s issues. As soon as I heard, I put 2 and 2 together. Thank god all the relevant professionals are as confident as they can be that nothing has happened in that regard but how could pil have not said anything? I just absolutely hate them for this.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 27/05/2019 16:45

Your PIL probably thought they could protect your children while you were all on holiday together and no harm would be done. Which it wasn't, so their judgment was correct.

I can understand your shock, horror and anger at this, but YABVU to think your dh should cut ties entirely with his family.

Your PILs have probably been devastated over this, you can't blame them for standing by their daughter. She's their daughter and they want things to be ok for her as much as you want it for your children. Maybe they should have told you, but they didn't do anything with any malice, they didn't do something against you that came from a bad place, their mistake is forgivable.

Give yourself a bit of time to come to terms with it all, and make any decisions about how you move forward with the relationship when you are less angry. Angry decisions are not good.

NauseousMum · 27/05/2019 16:55

They shouldn't have put you in that position, no. No one should decide they are better to safeguard a child from an abuser and hide it from the parent.

But did they know what she was arrested for? For child offences? Or did sil lie and say something completely different?

If the former then they fucked up big time and put your dc at risk. Very hard to forgive. The latter is different though, yes they should have said but they were deceived too.

Antigon · 27/05/2019 17:32

First you say

DH wants to maintain a relationship with his parents. I don’t. AIBU to think he should put his kids and me first and cut all ties?

Then you say

I have already said that pil can only have supervised contact, with me there

So which is it?

You can’t stop your DH from seeing his parents so YABU fit that, but YANBU for wanting to supervise PIL’s contact with your dc.

baileys6904 · 27/05/2019 17:33

What happened to innocent until proven guilty? For all your PIL knew, she may have been completely innocent, and that's of the watered down charges they knew about. You've said they didnt even know the full extent.
I think you're understandably angry but I think you would be taking it out on the wrong people. For them to find out their daughter had done something like this must be soul destroying and they will need your / your dh support more than ever.
Dont let someone else crime affect more people than are already hurt by it x

bridgetreilly · 27/05/2019 17:37

YANBU to have supervised contact and not to trust PILs judgement in future.

YWBU to tell your DH that he has to cut contact completely.

itswinetime · 27/05/2019 17:46

Its very hard to say with out knowing the details all though I completely understand the need for privacy.

Your PIL made a mistake yes. They knew she was accused of something but didn't say. But I'm guessing if she lied about the charges, Did she tell them she was innocent? Because it seems like their mistake was trusting their daughter.

I don't think it is fair to ask you husband to cut contact but obviously you need to adjust things in the light of all the information Your husband can see them when he wants but for now they can only see the dc when you are and take it from there.

KarmaStar · 27/05/2019 17:59

Am I right in reading this contact was prior to conviction?so perhaps they genuinely didn't know.
Imho you are ott to ban your dh from contacting his family.
Let things calm down.you may feel differently when you've had time to assimilate all the facts.

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