I’ve taken on too much; Mental Health. Or an being soft?

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I’ve recently started a new FT job. (Gone from nearly FT hours working shifts with days off in between) to 8-4 office hours). Agile working was promised with a laptop issued for this. It turns out the boss meant working from different sites rather than the odd hour at home to help with childcare while DH fucks off abroad every week (well, it seems like that) for work.
Anyway, this weekend has been hectic socially, with our lovely neighbours and friends asking me to go for birthday drinks (Saturday) and a very long christening with meal yesterday. Later, I have to drive a three hour round trip so my ILs Van mind the youngest (11) while I work. A family meal has been organised.
I love the in-laws- they are bringing DS2 back on Weds while DH comes back from his trip, so it’s a days work and then making a return guest meal. DH gets away Scot free.
I just feel shit now, I don’t want to face anyone, even the in laws, who I consider family, after twenty odd years.
There’s an event next weekend and I don’t want to go, work is going to be tough tomorrow; I could reasonably work from home, but they don’t want this, I could do with a mental health day, but I don’t want to make waves so soon into the new job.
I feel like I’m sinking. I’m already on long term antidepressants and I just want everyone to leave me alone. I’m the life and soul of the party, everyone always has a cracking laugh when we do go out, but I feel like I’ve been watching the clock to see when I can go home without seeming rude this weekend.
What can I do to ease this? I like to think I’m just being soft and having a moment, because I feel like it’s going to come crashing down otherwise. Whenever there is a knock on the door or someone invites me to something at the moment, my heart sinks. Please talk sense into me.

Oh gosh...i totally get you on this! Honestly you gotta learn to start saying NO to people without explaining yourself. You have boundaries and can not be available for everything or else you will sink. Jesus..people can be so draining. I have recently experienced something similiar with friends who dont work who constantly want to come round to my house for a brew or me go to theirs and its fucking killing me off...so iv started saying no without an explanation. Sometimes you dont have a reason its a no and thats it. I even had to watch videos on youtube to help me say no...and it has helped alot. I hope you get this sorted and honestly just be true to yourself and do what makes you happy.😉

You need to take control of your weekends. If you want down time, have down time and say no. My friends think I'm weird that I'd just love being at home at the weekend and pottering about with family but it's my downtime.

Aldo take inlaws out for tea or order takeaway in. You could even pass up a takeaway curry as your own

I work FT and have a Mh issue: that amount of social activity at a weekend would be way too much for me.

It also wouldn’t work withoit DH making work compromises, eg minimal travel.

I’m almost drafting my letter of resignation to work with this thing about not working from home. It’ll also mean I will resent the Hell out of DH who has do e really well in his career. I’m crying now because the washing machine has left the clothes dirty and I needed it ready to take for DS2.

You really need a break! I think by tackling the issue of your weekends will take a great deal of stress off you. Sometimes just being honest with those around you about how your actually feeling, can do you the world of good.

Hi OP sorry to hear you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and that's totally understandable. I feel like this at the weekend too sometimes when there is too much going on, then when it is the day before work I then feel anxious and as if it's too much.
Have you heard of emotional and wise mind? Look it up it's useful to give yourself time to recover from emotional stress and come out of emotional mind before making decisions.

This is a time to care for yourself - in any way, physical and emotional , even on the way you judge yourself - eg ' I have ended up with too many demands / things on my plate, and in addition I see that my new job is going to be an extra stressor until I have had time to settle in'

Also ask for practical help , express that you are finding it all too hectic, to your in laws , and ask dh for emotional support. .
Could your in laws stay with you for a few days instead?

Speaking from experience, are you stressed/ upset that ds will be away a few days as well

Hi OP, what does your contract or HR define agile working as?

• Take dc's wet clothes with you - the inlaws won't mind running them through a wash when you explain.
• look into a childminder
• order takeaway for tea
• refuse the invite for next weekend!!

Thanks all. I think I am going to have to be another statistic of the working mum who couldn’t handle it and had to pack it in. Most problems can be solved but the fact that I so drastically misinterpreted “agile working” means I am proper fucked.
I politely asked the boss and she had all the right argument:; they are all good reasons, but it just puts me in a worse position work-life balance wise.
The only other thing I can think of (and I think it looks bad) is to speak to the new boss above with whom I had a one to one last week. He said the old “if there’s anything I can do to help...” thing. I could do with some help

I wouldn’t chuck in your job without lining up another one first: it may well not help your MH, and could have negative financial consequences for you personally too.

Would first focus on how to make home life easier.

Your childcare issues with your DH are unlikely to be sufficient reason for your employer to change their “bottom line” on flexible working. What other solutions are there? More after school care? Morning CM or Au pair? DH travelling less (moving jobs if necessary)?

Working FT is hard going, and everyone around me knows I guard my weekends FIERCELY! That's my downtime, and as a natural introvert (no social anxiety, or even particularly quiet in company etc, just drained by constant human contact) I need time to recharge my batteries. I have friends who are always asking to do things at the weekends, seems to me as if they're never at home (which is great - that works for them!) and I've had to explain this to them. I like being at home, I like spending time with my family, and I need down time. I'm not being rude, or antisocial, I'm watering my own garden first.
Take control of your weekends, and the rest will feel easier. I know if I agree to too much, I feel overwhelmed, grouchy, and resentful. And speak to DH too - you're doing a lot while he's away.

OP I really feel for you

I have A&D and am introverted and have to work part time. Tbh I'm lucky we can afford it, but without that, I think I'd be struggling and might even have a drink problem by now.

It does sound like you need to massively cut back on your social life. If you are watching the clock, you are not enjoying it.

It's not the job that is the issue here though, is it? If you said no to going out so much at the weekend that would help while you got used to the new job. Say no to the event next weekend while everything is settling in.

Whatever your issue is with your DH working away, that isn't your job's fault either. You are blaming the wrong thing here, OP.

re the job - OP seems to have made a genuine error with agile working

tbh I'm confused by it as well, but I thought it was either a weird trademarked strategy thing, or just working from different places with no set base.

but if I thought I had signed up for home working and then found I hadn't, I would be packing it in too!

@RosaWaiting, yes the job is not all it seems. I’m actually doing a really different role than the one represented in the job ad and interview. I have serious concerns as I’m doing something I didn’t sign up for in a situation I didn’t sign up for. A month in, payroll haven’t been informed of the change of my pay and working hours either. I told them last week and was then included in an e-mail between HR and payroll saying no one had any knowledge of me changing jobs. Trouble is, I worked really hard to get this job and it’s not what it says on the tin in any way, shape or form. I’d complain, but I think I’ll be told “tough shit”, which is why I’m considering quitting.

I totally sympathise, I took on increased hours recently on the basis that the change in contract would mean I could buy additional annual leave. But turns out I cant, and planning school holidays has become so stressful I could easily quit. Agree with the others re. Boundaries, there’s books about transforming your boundaries which might be helpful.

Hi OP

Has your company got a formal definition of agile working? Have you put in a formal request at all for any sort of flexible working (so they have to formally consider it).

Is there any way your husband could change anything about his travel? For instance what would he do if you were ill? Is there anything he could postpone for a while or delegate? My husband travels with work but then he tries to do more when hes back to make up for it and his company are ok with this

I agree cut back on non essential weekend stuff for a while

No formal agile working policy, unfortunately.
The weekend stuff can definitely fuck right off. DH can step up and attend next weekend with the kids and tell everyone I’m not feeling so good.

I feel your pain I went from working 3 to 4 days 13 months ago and havent felt myself since. 3 kids constant running around and thats with a supportive DH. I have finally after yet another period of anxiety said enough is enough and I need to reduce my hours or find another job. Its seriously affecting my mental health its not worth it. My advice if its isnt right early on just accept it and deal with it now the longer that passes the harder it feels.

Why don't you see what happens when you cut down being the 'life and soul' at the weekends. That amount of socialising on top of a hectic new job wouldn't work for a lot of people.

Also, can you start asking for help a bit more. Either pay people if you can - cleaners, au pair or whatever or ask family. The suggestion by an earlier poster about the dirty laundry is sensible. I wouldn't mind running a wash for you if I was your PIL .

It’s a big change. If you don’t have your kids now until Wednesday so I would focus on getting through work today and Tuesday and be in bed early both nights. Once you’ve got a bit more sleep under your belt you will be able to think mode clearly. I was you in November with a new contract and couldn’t see how I was going to survive. By prioritising sleep when possible and being quite protective of my downtime on weekends (not going out socially more than twice over a weekend), I’ve actually just taken on even more work but I feel good. Remember that you can always change things, nothing is permanent. But I would give it your best shot for now.

Thanks for all the advice. Teenage DS now has loosened a front tooth messing about so I am now working from home having not been given permission, handling getting emergency dental appointment for him and worrying about getting into shit for having to do this.