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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just cant face it

17 replies

Booboooo · 26/05/2019 23:40

Ive just returned from a hen party from hell. Months and months of group chat organising by a MOH from hell and so many demands of what we should wear, how to do out hair etc have left me frazzled. I didnt enjoy the hen as it wasnt activities i thought i would enjoy but as im also part of the wedding i thought i would suck it up. Once there it was abit of a shambles with the timing of things etc. The MOH did nothing to sort out the issues (she was the one who booked everything etc) she was also quite sullen and withdrawn. To be fair she didnt really know us. But she never really made the effort. And to utter shame i was bot over friendly back. I couldnt wait to get home tonight. Im so embarrassed to say i came home and cried to my husband. It was just a long stressy weekend and it cost a arm.and a leg. I was sad to think of all the things i could have spent the money on. Ive thought long and hard about this and i just dont want to be a bridesmaid alongside this woman. I think there will be friction and the bride will pick up on it. She already seen it this weekend. The dresses are not yet finalised but if for some reaosn mine cant be returned without cost i would naturally cover the cost. AiBU to step down? I honestly feel sick about everything and to be honest i dont really like being centre stage so was quite anxious when she initially asked me

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 26/05/2019 23:45

I’m sorry, i know hen weekends can be intense. Especially when you don’t know many people or aren’t into the activities.

But as for stepping down - It’s difficult, how would your friend react? As it’s just the wedding day to go, could you just push through the day? Once you’re dressed and have your hair and make up sorted and you’ve done the ceremony you might be able to avoid the MOH?

Seniorschoolmum · 26/05/2019 23:50

You’ve had a long and miserable weekend.
Get some sleep and maybe you’ll feel better tomorrow.
Remember the wedding should be easier. The MOB will have her dh and the groom’s parents to focus on, and probably won’t take any notice of you. Which will be less fraught. Sorry you had a crap weekend.

Original poster
Booboooo · 26/05/2019 23:52

I cant think why she even asked me in the first place. I would say the other hens are more well to do. Im abit more working class etc. At one stage the MOH even money shamed me on the group chat when she was trying to get us all the pay extra for tacky outfits etc. Thank god others felt the same as me and shut her down on that particular aspect. Yes i can imagine my friend will be hurt. But maybe deep down relieved. Her wedding day getting ready hair make up etc will be more relaxing without tension between us

OP posts:
Crunched · 26/05/2019 23:55

You are tired and upset after a horrible weekend, so I wouldn’t rush to a decision until you feel well-rested and recharged.
It sounds like the bride was an innocent party during the weekend from hell so consider her feelings if you withdraw, rather than the ‘less than charming’ MOH.
Having said that, I totally get where you are coming from.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/05/2019 00:02

There doesn't need to be 'tension' between you. You're an adult, it's just one day. Just suck it up, big smile, stay out of her way if you really need to but just plaster on a smile and pretend you like her. Make a game of it, how good is your acting type thing. I don't think it's much to do to support a friend, unless there's a back story and friend is actually a dick.

Original poster
Booboooo · 27/05/2019 00:03

Yep. A good nights rest is definately what i need.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booboooo · 27/05/2019 00:06

Friend is lovely. Not a dick.at.all
She has known this girl since school. So its a long time friendship

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 27/05/2019 00:09

I promise the worst bit is over, the wedding is just a day not a whole weekend. And it’s a busy day, lots of people to talk to, dancing, eating - you aren’t restricted to doing activities with her, you can move about and speak to other people.
It would be a shame to step down as a bridesmaid for your friend’s wedding because of one person, you’d be letting her dictate your life and miss out.

WhiteDust · 27/05/2019 00:10

Agree that you need to sleep on it...

WhiteRedRose · 27/05/2019 00:13

I say suck it up for her day. You standing down will make her feel 1000x worse about it all. Don't make this a thing, it was a crap weekend, tomorrow is another day. All you have to do is get ready on the big day and smile. Bite your lip and smile. She asked you because she wants you there. On the day, after the photos, you wont even have to smile at the MOH wench ever again.

QuantamBaby · 27/05/2019 00:14

Get some sleep! No late night texting!!!

Seriously, the wedding will be fine in comparison - it's a totally different vibe to a hen party. You've already said the bride is lovely, don't have a huge row with her and hurt her feelings because you don't like her choice of MOH.

Mandala6 · 27/05/2019 00:21

Agree with everyone saying get some sleep.
I think it would be a mistake to step down from being a bridesmaid, you run the risk of damaging your friendship with the bride, and given the day is about her and not her made of honour you should be putting her feelings before any issues you have with other women.

WorraLiberty · 27/05/2019 00:30

Did you or anyone else offer to help the MOH with the organising?

The fact she was sullen and withdrawn might indicate how much pressure she's feeling.

Someone demanding (strongly suggesting?) they want you to wear your hair a certain way or dress a certain way shouldn't be leaving you 'frazzled'.

You only have to say 'No, I'll stick with my normal look'.

Original poster
Booboooo · 27/05/2019 00:36

Yes we offered to help. Buy props
Suggest funny games etc
She didnt want any help or ideas. Also for context this hen do was carbon copynof her own from 3 years ago. There were loads of suggestions about what we could do and were to go. Bride seemed very keen then it was decided it would be something completely different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booboooo · 27/05/2019 00:43

Frazzeled as in. Constant updating us on the group chat about the smallest of details. This hen has been orgainised since jan. Literally texting everyday..... (ooooooohhhhh only 75 days till hen do) (oooohhhhhhhhh remember hens matching dreases and shoes no exceptions #teambride). When anyone suggested ANYTHING it was met with...... ( OOOH no time in the schedule for that sorry!!!) Or if someone dared suggested that the cost was spiralling out of control it was ( just get your husband to pay!!!)

OP posts:
ChillaxingInMyKimono · 27/05/2019 00:48

It really seems as if you're punishing the bride (by pulling out) for her MOH's actions.

Like others, I'd urge you to sleep on it, and think about whether, now that the worst is over, you can be the bigger person and be a friend on the day.

If someone did this to me, I'd be absolutely gutted, and the friendship would never really be the same again.

If you're OK with that, then withdraw, but at least do it in person, and as kindly as possible.

HeddaGarbled · 27/05/2019 00:56

Clearly, the MOH is a problem, but it would be unkind of you to leave the bride in the lurch when she hasn’t done anything wrong except to have felt unable to say no to this forceful, historical ‘friend’.

I have no doubt that the bride is totally aware of how difficult her MOH is being. She’s probably even more upset and anxious than you are right now. You withdrawing will hurt her and cause drama right when she needs support. Be a true friend not a fair weather friend.

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