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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP not to stay at his ex's?

51 replies

george0pig · 26/05/2019 20:05

I'll keep it brief. I've never had a relationship with someone with DC's from a previous relationship so I'm not sure if I'd be completely out of order even having anything to say about this, so please help!

DP's DC have asked him to stay at theirs on Xmas Eve, at his ex's.

This doesn't sit right with me at all.
Can I just be told if it's right for it to not sit right with me or is this something I just have to deal with otherwise I'm being selfish?

OP posts:

pantsville · 26/05/2019 22:27

I think it comes down to too many different factors to say whether it's right or wrong for him to stay over. The main one being whether something could happen to upset the arrangement in future (such as another baby being born to either parent, for example) and how this could be navigated with the existing children.

Ultimately though I think the decision belongs to him and it would be wrong for you to interfere and tell him what to do. Equally, I'd think badly of him if he made the choice to not have the Xmas sleepover just because you didn't like it. The decisions he makes as a father should be motivated by what is best for his children, nothing else.

KindKoala · 26/05/2019 22:43

Against the general consensus here but IMO, as long as there is no reason for you not to trust him then it’s fine.

My husband and I split up in the May, it’s all very amicable. I stayed over his Christmas Eve for the children. I slept in my daughters bedroom with her and we all went to ‘Daddy’s bed’ to open their stockings. Then we went downstairs and did big presents, he cooked Christmas dinner and I went home that afternoon. My new boyfriend didn’t mind, he knew it was to make happy memories with the children while they’re still young.

TeddiesAreTakingOver · 26/05/2019 22:48

My ex stayed at my house the first 2 christmases after we separated. He wanted to be there in the morning to see our son open his presents. There was nothing else in it. Just there for our son. As far as I’m aware his partner was fine about it. He doesn’t stay anymore, him and his partner come to my house on Christmas morning with their own stuff for our son. (My son has disabilities and doesn’t stay with his dad so I guess slightly different situation). We’re all very amicable and get along.

Emily1091 · 26/05/2019 22:51

No I’d tell him you aren’t happy with it. First Xmas split up or not the kids will need to get use to it at some point and may as well start now. Have you met his kids? Many parents split Christmas Day and he won’t be missing out on seeing his kids open presents as they will be presents at dads house for them, to me it sounds like mum is trying be lay down some rules and show you that her wishes come first as other people have said it’s bloody may. Also would be nice for you to spend Christmas morning together before the children come over and spend the morning preparing for their arrival.

stuffedpeppers · 26/05/2019 22:56

Ex stayed over since he left OW and the happiness of the DCs is palpable.
No hint of hanky panky but it works for us.
EX sleeps with 2 DCS in big spare bed and they love it.

He was not welcome to bring OW who I would have happily knifed in the back but since them happy kids, they understand situation.

Starlight456 · 26/05/2019 22:57

I would be ok with it for Christmas . It’s the one day of the year everyone would like to wake up with their Children.

I do also wondering why this is even an Issue in May.

I also would dump someone who forbid me from waking up in the same house as my dc

happyhillock · 26/05/2019 23:05

It would be a No No for me

Oshe · 26/05/2019 23:09

I think it's fine. The kids are very young and it seems like the request is coming from them rather than the ex.

I would leave anyone who expected me to put their feelings of insecurity before my children's happiness.

JE87 · 26/05/2019 23:11

It would be a no from me too I have to be honest. As harsh as it is they have split up and they will have to get used to their parents being apart even at Christmas. Surely he could just go round very early in the morning?

cuppycakey · 26/05/2019 23:13

Nope. I wouldn't like this at all, but as PP have said, it does depend rather on the variables whether you are actually BU or not.

SnowsInWater · 26/05/2019 23:17

This is about the children, not you. AIBU to stop DP's young children from waking up with their dad there on Christmas Day. Yes.

expatinspain · 26/05/2019 23:20

He can go round very early in the morning, surely? He doesn't need to stay over. The kids will be in bed early, so a large portion of the evening will be spent with his ex, which, apart from on MN, any partner would find completely unreasonable.

Amberheartkitty · 26/05/2019 23:22

No. Absolutely not.

Starlight456 · 26/05/2019 23:24

Yes they will also be up extraordinarily early too.

lyralalala · 26/05/2019 23:29

The kids will be in bed early, so a large portion of the evening will be spent with his ex,

Early? On Christmas Eve?

I must have ordered the wrong make of children if some settle early on Christmas Eve

Bambamber · 26/05/2019 23:35

Would he see them over Christmas if he didn't stay?

I think it's nice the children want him there and I wouldn't try and stop him, but I would be concerned that it would be confusing for the children. If he stayed this time, would they start asking him to stay more often, would they get false ideas that kind of thing

HiJenny35 · 26/05/2019 23:37

Why should the dad have to miss the kids waking up to see if Santa has been? Why should the kids not have mum and dad there? Surely he can be trusted not to sleep with his ex, if he can't you shouldn't be with him anyway!
Can't see any issue with this. As for saying kids have to get used to it, why do they? They are still their parents, pretty sure they can manage to act like grown ups for a day and just enjoy the day seeing their kids happy.

Nearlythere1 · 26/05/2019 23:43

Totally inappropriate and it wouldn't be acceptable on any other day of the year. The kids have to get used to the situation, mum has to stop marking her territory (which she most definitely is), and your partner will just have to get up at the crack of dawn and go round.

Lizzie48 · 26/05/2019 23:48

lyralalala I agree, if only! With young DC, Christmas Eve is all about Santa. The kids are too excited to get to sleep early, and once they are asleep, you’re frantically getting everything ready for Christmas Day.

By the time it’s all done, all you want is a few hours kip before the kids wake you up bright and early announcing that Santa has been...

I don’t think we can really answer the question about whether it’s a good idea for your ex to sleep overnight on Christmas Eve, though, as we don’t know what your DP’s relationship is like with his ex. But you don’t need to decide yet, surely? Christmas is a long way off still.

Starlight456 · 27/05/2019 00:09

I am also assuming you have only been together s few months as last Christmas wasn’t an issue so very early days for you to be interfering in dad’s relationship with his kids

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 27/05/2019 03:16

His children should always be his priority and their happiness does come first. They are still young and separation is never an easy thing for children, the easier the parents can make it the better. As time goes on and they adjust things will change.

I would not suggest you ask to go along, that is more than likely an unwanted dynamic.

At their age Christmas is a big thing and the fact they've brought it up so early suggests this is something that means quite a lot to them, so much so that they've asked for their dad in advance.

Surely you can trust him to stay the night there, no? If you cannot, then perhaps you need to re-think your relationship. If it is something you seriously cannot cope with, you can present the option that he stays there until the children fall asleep and then gets back to the house before they wake up - although that would be draining for any individual.

If it's early stages of the separation, you will have to let this go and be understanding.

OwlBeThere · 27/05/2019 03:42

YABU to think you can ‘tell’ any grown adult what to do with their personal life.
You are also being selfish. My ex has stayed at mine on Xmas eve when children requested it. Why not?

2anddone · 27/05/2019 03:45

Me and x-h have done this for the last 6 years! He joins us on Christmas Eve about 2pm and leaves Boxing Day night. We get on ok and selfishly by doing and offering this I don't have to not be with my dc at Christmas if they are at his. My dc won't stay at his during the year anyway (their choice) so it's the only time he sees them for such a long period of time and not just a couple of evenings a week for dinner (at mine or out they won't even step foot in his...but that's a whole other thread!!)
To be fair it's May so unless this is a new situation and the children are still coming to terms with it someone will have put the idea into their heads. I would suggest (if you are a new partner) you keep quiet as you may not even be around in 7 months time especially if you try to stop your partner being with his children

ChillaxingInMyKimono · 27/05/2019 03:50

I wouldn't be OK with this, but I also know it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask a partner to prioritise me over his own kids at Christmas. Completely unreasonable.

As such, I'd never get involved with a man who has kids. I'm just not a big enough person.

You need to be a really decent person to go into a step parent role AND do it well.

Not many people are up to the job.

Anuta77 · 27/05/2019 04:07

If they recently separated and it's a new relationship, I suppose it's ok. If there's something between them, it's better to find out sooner than later.
But having a partner who has an ex who is very close and who, most of the time sees his children at her place, I would try to see what kind of a relationship they have. My partner's ex overstepped some boundaries, my partner took her side. We had a child and her desire to meet him was more important than my lack of desire for presenting our child to the ex 2 weeks post partum. The children occasionally ask to bring our child to their house (not to invite all of us as a new family, not to go to their father's house where our son lives, but to bring our child to the ex's house).

I really think that an overly close relationship with an ex is confusing for the children and not good for the new relationship.

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