to offer to take him off my dsis so she can get better?

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hello all,

my dsis is an alcoholic and she's had post natal depression on and off for years. she has 2 kids and her eldest (whose 9) stays with her dad a lot of the time and he's currently trying to get full custody, which i think would be for the best. however her youngest is still a baby and i know she's struggling so i offered to have him stay with us for a bit (despite the fact we don't have much room as it is) to let her get back on her feet, get some treatment etc. however she completely flipped out at me, saying her ex is already trying to take her eldest off her and now i'm trying to do the same and then accused me of conspiring against her with him, i have no contact with him at all. so i'm wondering was it being unreasonable to offer this? she claimed i "said she was unfit to look after him" by suggesting i have him for a bit but i was genuinely trying to be helpful

Yanbu. She is. She will be pretty sensitive as she's struggling and alcohol causes mood swings anyway. Id send her a message saying you understand her reaction but you were genuinely trying to help , and leave the ball in her court.

You sound really kind. It was a lovely offer.

Perhaps her children are the reason she isnt worse?

I can understand how someone already struggling could feel like they were being accused of being an unfit mother.

You absolutely had the right intentions. I’d reassure her you were trying to hell not criticise.

Is she unfit to care for him? I that's genuinely the case, then yanbu, however if she is a functional alcoholic caring for them appropriately, awful though that is for her and the kids, they may be the only thing that is keeping her going.

She won't get help until she decides to..or hits rock bottom, sadly. But you aren't being unreasonable to offer to help!

Considering it from her POV she's probably feeling a bit ganged up on and like everyone is trying to take her children away, she's said as much to you. It's no wonder she reacted as she did.

Have you asked her what support she wants/needs from you, if any?

thank you for your response so far x

i understand why she'd be feeling ganged up on tbh i'd be feeling the same if i was her. shes always had a hard time accepting help, shes a functional alcoholic now but in the past she's had habits of turning to pick up her eldest from school drunk etc, her house is a tip. i just wonder if it would be easier for her to try and get better if she didn't have the hassle (not the word i'm meaning but you get what i'm trying to say) or having her kids full time as shes nc with her babys dad. she doesn't work either which is what i was thinking if she had a break from the kids she'd have more time to try and look for work (obviously id offer to help in any way i can)