To be a bit annoyed about this?

[ihatefeelinglikethis]

I have namechanged for this. Please excuse as it may be long.

Today is DSS' birthday. He is 17. He and DSD (18) are supposed to be staying with us for their allotted holiday time. DSD had decided that she wouldn't be here until Sunday (various commitments, including part time job and some leisure stuff planned - all fine, as it's her decision as to when or even whether she comes) so DH, DSS and I had decided to put off any official celebration (only a family meal, no major party etc) until then, so we could all be together. I arranged for my parents and my brother to come to this meal on Sunday evening.

DH and DSS were going to go out for a quiet pub meal, so that at least DSS had some kind of treat on his birthday (I was going to stay at home, as have ds (4) and dd (9 weeks) and it was more of a "time together for DH and DSS" rather than celebration.)

DSD decided yesterday that she would come down (the first she had heard of meal out, I think, and she hates to miss out on anything like this) so DSS told me she would be arriving, and asked what time pick up from station would be best (all fine so far...). They then totally ignored what I said, and arranged for DSD to arrive at baby feed time (I am not totally anal about these, but she has wanted to be fed around this time for the last 4 weeks....). Then DSS arranges to see a mate of his, and again I'm the taxi service. I spend an hour and a half finding his mate's place (out in the sticks, and DSS hadn't thought to get directions!) then dash back, quickly stuff down my lunch, feed baby and off (with protesting toddler who is bored of being in the car) to fetch DSD.

Back to house, tea for ds and another feed for baby, then off to collect DSS (pre arranged time) who can't be bothered to turn up on time, so I'm left waiting around for 20 mins with an overtired baby and toddler in the car.

Back home, and then I find out that, rather than cancel said meal out (which is what DH had said he would do) and have takeaway instead, they are all off out for DSS' official birthday celebratoin, because, according to DSS it "wouldn't be fair on DSD who has changed her plans to be here" if we cancelled. Obviously fine to just leave me out of the celebrations, though. And fine to ignore the fact that the rest of my family are turning up on Sunday to celebrate DSS birthday. And also fine to ignore the fact that the original plans (quiet meal for DH and DSS today, celebration on Sunday) were made because of DSD's plans, and okayed by all previously.

I think what I'm most bothered by is DH's behaviour, not DSS and DSD, as he'd said one thing to me (and was mighty pissed off himself at the (admittedly fairly typical teenage) self-centredness of DSS and DSD) and then not been able to carry it through with them. To me, this just reinforces the fact that it's ok that they have decided to celebrate without me.

It is not the first time that he has been annoyed by their behaviour (usually over normal teenage things, as any parent will be) and we agree on what we will do about it, and then he backs down as he cannot bear to disappoint them/upset them as he fears they will not come to spend time with us if he does (especially now they are at an age where they can choose, although this has been going on for many years now)

Each time he does this, it really upsets me, as I know he is backing off the discipline for the wrong reasons. I also know, that when our children get to this age he will not be such a pushover. I just do not like where this is heading, as we are in a situation where his children know their power over him, and I do not know where it is going to end.

So, AIBU to be annoyed with DH? Or am I just being hormonal?

YANBU

He should put his foot down, and they shouldn't be using you as a taxi. Either he shoudl ferry them about, or they should make their own way around. Not fair to make you interupt baby's feeds.

I have nothing constructive to offer here, but just wanted to say I would be hurt if I were in your position; and you have done everything to try and make everyone else happy.
Hope you feel more appreciated soon.

YANBU. Just wanted to offer my sympathy - it is hard when everyone else's feelings are given more consideration than yours.

Thanks, at least other people don't just think I'm being hormonal. I really fear for where this is going to end. We are already way past reasonable behaviour from his children For example - Dh pays school fees for both of them, as per original divorce agreement. Unfortunately he now earns about a third of what he used to earn, and his ex enroled DSS at one of the most expensive shools in the country (DH was not allowed a say in where he went).

We cannot really afford DSS school fees. We also live near a very good grammar school, which has boarding facility, and could afford for DSS to go there as a boarder. DH talked to DSS about this, and understandably DSS was upset at the thought of moving. In the end, he refused to do so, and DH has restructured paying the fees over the next 6 years.

Dh agreed with DSS that there would be no extras (trips etc, not small stuff like books) as we simply cannot afford them. Within 2 months of making this agreement, DSS asked to go on a foreign exchange trip at a cost of £1400. He is, imo, taking the piss, but DH still won't get tough with him. DSS is embarrassed to bring his mates here, as we don't have the same standard of living as they do (that'll be the extortionate fees to blame, then) hence why I am treated as the local taxi service. I don't mind taking them to places and picking them up, but some consideration would be appreciated.

I too would be really hurt by all that. I don't think you're being unreasonable and, you're perfectly entitled to be hormonal actually: Your baby is just 9 weeks old. I think your DH and DSD and DSS need to be reminded that you have spent the afternoon looking after, and adapting to everyone's plans, and this is the way they thank you, oh, and that by the way, having a 4 year old and a 9 week old isn't necessarily a walk in the park!

To still go out is ok, I guess, but they do need to realise the effort you're putting in to accommodate them.

hope that helps, and doesn't just fire up more p'd off ness

That sounds really tough. It must be so difficult to be in your situation. I can sympathise with your DH's attitude to the school fees to a certain extent, but if you haven't got the money you haven't got it. His ds obviously wouldn't want to move given the choice, teenagers don't get money matters. I feel that even a teenager should have to live with the reality of living within a budget. In fact it is a useful life skill that is not being taught to him at the moment. Has your DH told him he can go on this trip?