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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just realised I was sexually assaulted

21 replies

Shouldhaverealised · 25/05/2019 22:12

Nc for this as I really don't want anyone irl to know about it.
I have just realised while doing my hoovering that I was sexually assaulted about 10 years ago.
I feel so stupid to have not know that's what it was.
It's something that I put to the back of my mind and tried to forget. I told no one because I was afraid people would blame me for this guy cheating on his girlfriend!

I was at a birthday party for a friend (in his house) , about 2 in the morning I went up to bed alone, other people were still partying. Couldn't sleep properly because I was a bit too drunk and couldn't sleep through the noise. About 20 mins later this guy (not the guy who lived in the house) came into the room and got into the bed with me. I just froze, didn't know what to do so pretended to be asleep. Next thing I know he's got my trousers down and his fingers in, after what felt like a lifetime, but was probably only about 10 seconds, my brain kicked in and I pretended to wake up (I don't know why I lay there for so long! I just didn't know what to do, couldn't decide how to best get out of the situation) and asked him WTF he was doing and left the room. I saw him about a week later and he actually had the nerve to come up to me and say sorry. His excuse was, I didn't know what it was like having girlfriend who wouldn't have sex with him.
I think it has only just sunk in tonight what might have actually happened if I hadn't left the room. He is known for being a very dodgy guy. I think I just assumed thataybe he though I was awake and was quite happy for him to do it, but actually now I don't think that's what he thought at all. It's only just hit me, that him doing that, while he thought I was asleep was sexual assault.
Thanks to anyone who has read that, think I just needed to get it off my chest, but can't tell anyone I know, it would sound stupid 10+ years later.
I have been on MN for years and read threads where people have describe different types of sexual assault, where people haven't realised they have been sexually assaulted, and I've been the one telling them it was assault and wondering how they couldn't know,. I didn't even realise that it has happened to me! Even as I'm writing this, I'm sitting here thinking, you really should have got up and left the room as soon as he came in, why didn't you just do that? And I have no answer for it, I have no idea, and I think because I have been blaming myself I haven't been able to see it for what it was.
I know this is minor I'm comparison to a lot of assaults, but I just wanted to perhaps make anyone else who has been doubting themselves realise that no, it's not your fault.

OP posts:
Travis1 · 25/05/2019 22:16

You are not to blame. You did nothing wrong. He was an opportunistic bastard and knew fine well what he was doing x

DannyWallace · 25/05/2019 22:18

I'm so sorry that happened to you.
How scary. You're unbelievably brave.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/05/2019 22:27

((((((()))))))). Don't you dare call this minor. Its anything, but.
What happened to you was very traumatic.
He wanted to see what it would be like to assault someone. I've gone cold. Then the creep tries to smooth it over with an apology.

Original poster
Shouldhaverealised · 25/05/2019 22:39

Thank you everyone. I feel so much better just writing it down. I was young at the time, about 18/19 and have thought about it a lot since then but never in the way I thought about it tonight. I know for a fact if I had told anyone about it at the time, it would have spread like wildfire and certain people would have blamed me, they still would today.

OP posts:
clairemcnam · 25/05/2019 22:51

Everyone knows about fight or flight in response to fear, but there is a third response to fear which is tp freeze. Lots of animals do this and freeze. This is what you did you froze, Until you overcame your fear enough to actually move. Your response was totally normal.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 25/05/2019 22:53

Sweetheart, what happened to you was rape. To split hairs it was digital rape, but that is an irrelevant technicality. It was rape. Don’t minimise the seriousness of what happened to you, because it’s horrific and it doesn’t sound surprising to me at all that it took so long for you to have that lightbulb moment, because that is frequently the case. It makes me incandescent with anger, but we women are taught to question ourselves before we question the motives of our attackers, and the legitimacy of our own experiences.

I know because under a different set of circumstances this has happened to me too. And its taken me just as long to acknowledge it, and even longer to process the long term trauma of the effect it’s had on me. You’re not alone xxx

Therapy greatly helped me. It might help you, too. Sending you a ton of empathy, and a hug from a sympathetic internet stranger who knows how this feels - if you’d like one xxxxx

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 25/05/2019 23:01

Nb I recognise the freeze response too, as helpfully pointed out by a PP. this was also me. And it’s absolutely normal. I think people talk of ‘fit or flight’ because the freeze, which isn’t just play dead but also mimics that state, is something that thankfully most of us will never experience.

For victims of trauma, it comes naturally - especially repeated trauma, because for reasons of self-preservation our brains have trained themselves to respond that way.

Please don’t beat yourself up about this.

Scrumptiousbears · 25/05/2019 23:08

A very similar thing happened to me years and years ago. Friends brothers party I went to one of the bedrooms to sleep (loads of us sleeping on the floor etc) and the brother came in at some point and put his hands down my knickers. I took his hand out and told me to fuck off. He tried a few times more.

Some years later he was jailed for rape. Close shave really.

Original poster
Shouldhaverealised · 25/05/2019 23:12

MarieIVanArkleStinks thank you, I'm so sorry you experienced similar. I will gladly take your hug and send you one back.
Its hard to explain how I feel right now, it's a bit like a mist has been lifted, and I sort of feel relieved (but that's not really the word I'm looking for) that I can actually give what happened a title or a label. I know that sounds a bit strange, but I think it's given me some closure and I feel a bit better now, like I can put it behind me properly. Again that might sound strange because it was so long ago, but it's been a bit of an epiphany.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldhaverealised · 25/05/2019 23:21

Scrumptiousbears I think that's also just dawned on me what a close shave it was really was. I don't know the person very well but have a friend who's dh knows him well. We were out with them a few weeks ago and the subject of our younger, wilder days come up and this guys name came up. Friends dh was telling us how sneaky he was, and how he wouldn't trust him to be around my friend, and would never have left her alone with him. Even at that point it didn't hit me!

OP posts:
Shallowhals · 25/05/2019 23:36

Sorry that happened to you OP. Similar story here too unfortunately, also at a house party (nothing good ever comes of them after 12am it seems). Also someone known to me and still good friends with my sister and BIL. My mum even thinks highly of him Sad

I try not to dwell on it but it does play on my mind from time to time. I’ve also tortured myself with wondering why I didn’t react more (I was very, very drunk and kept drifting in and out of sleep) i was only 19 at the time and it also didn’t really dawn on me until years later that it was rape.

So many horrible men in the world, sorry you encountered one too. Hugs for you Flowers

Cornishqween · 25/05/2019 23:59

Just reading what you've written and realised I've been in the same situation and have been embarrassed for years as I was too scared to move and only got away after it ended Sad. He waited until everyone was asleep and put his hands in my pants, kissed me, groped everywhere. Makes me sick to think of it.
I ended up sneaking out of the house after I made sure he was asleep in middle of the night, at 17 and had to walk home alone. I think on it now and am almost mad at myself for doing nothing. But I remember I was a child and he was the one doing the wrong.
Just wanted to thank you for sharing and say im sorry it happened to you Flowers. I try not to remember it if possible, and have never really seen it as anyone's fault but my own.

Puffkin · 26/05/2019 00:01

Sorry seems so inadequate for me to say for what happened to you. I’m angry for you, fucking angry. How dare he do that who the fuck did he think he was? Fucking hell 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Original poster
Shouldhaverealised · 26/05/2019 00:12

Thank you for the support everyoneand thanks to everyone who has shared their own experiences Flowers. It's fucking shit that our automatic response is to think what we could have done differently. Unfortunately it's a shitty world we live in sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldhaverealised · 26/05/2019 00:18

Actually in hindsight, perhaps he thought I was so drunk I wouldnt be able to move because he did seem quite shocked when I "woke up". That makes me feel a bit sick. I've always though he maybe hoped I would wake up and join in but now I think, with the type of person he is, the first scenario is more likely.

OP posts:
dreaming174 · 26/05/2019 00:29

I had these realisations also in my late 20s. Working in a bar when I just started uni, a guy about 10 years older sexually assaulted me in the back rooms of the bar on several occasions. When I was holding a tray of glasses or a crate, he would shove his hands down my top to grope my boobs and would try to force me to kiss him. I told my friends but none of us realised that this actually was assault- we just thought what a creep. Looking back, I wish I'd taken this more seriously. It made me feel really gross whenever I thought about it, but I try not to anymore.

Bluerussian · 26/05/2019 00:52

That was a horrible thing to happen to you. You're far from being alone in that experience and I assure you it's not unusual to freeze.
Flowers

ApplePieIsAmazing · 26/05/2019 01:01

Happened to me too :( twice with different people, different scenarios. I don't like to think about it, makes me feel stupid and sick. Hugs Flowers

Apileofballyhoo · 26/05/2019 01:05

Flowers for you OP and more Flowers for everyone else on the thread.

bratzilla · 26/05/2019 01:30

The same happened to me. Please talk to people IRL if you can, it’s not a minor thing and you won’t sound stupid Flowers

Puffkin · 26/05/2019 09:11

An ex of mine had sex with me when I was partially conscious due to sleeping tablets and unable to consent properly. It took me years to realise it was rape. He completely took away my right to say no and just did what he wanted. Still makes my blood boil to this day.

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