To feel so utterly bored in my marriage

[Boredbird]

And not know how to change it?

We do the same things every single night when DH gets home from work. Dinner, TV, xbox for him, reading for me, bed. We talk about the same things all the time. It is brain numbing listening to him talk about work because it's the same stuff every day! I'm a SAHM so I know my day isn't exactly riveting either, I don't chat about it if nothing significant happened. We have sex once or twice a month. We have a 4 year old and a 9 month old so sleep is high on the agenda, but suggestions of an early night are always met with a no and I've given up bothering.

I love him to pieces. He's a great dad. But I cannot shake this feeling of utter boredom at the moment. We have talked about it numerous times in the past, more effort is made for a while and then it all falls back to the way it was. I continue making effort and eventually give up when I get nothing in return. For example we have date night every Friday, I spent ages coming up with ideas and writing them all down and put them in a jar. It was great for a while, doing something different every week. But eventually he couldn't be bothered doing these things and for the best part of 6 months now date night has been simply watching a film and ordering pizza.

I absolutely do not want to end my marriage, we've been together for 7 years and married for 2. But I'm only 27, I cannot imagine this being my entire life. Please throw suggestions at me on how to improve this

Maybe look wider than your marriage. Are you bored with your life and expecting all your outside the home intellectual stimulation to be from your DH?

Being a mum is wonderful, I love it, but its mindnumbingly intellectually unstimulating when they're very little.

Get some outside the house hobbies? I’d be brain dead if this was me. If husband is home every night then I’d look to join maybe a running group or even do a couple of classes at the local gym? What about further education? Learn a new language or a new skill for when you are ready to loom for work.

Also do you have things planned? If I didn’t organise holidays and short breaks we’d go nowhere. Book a long weekend somewhere. Do picnics at the weekend, go to the beach etc

I think firstly, tell him exactly what you have said here- he needs to realise how serious it is and nip it in the bud- if he wants to. Then just do small things, try reading the same book (or audiobook in bed), get on Xbox yourself or do some decorating projects around the house together?

Something else I like to do- im finally visiting all the places I want to within 100 miles or so, without feeling the need to have a reason for us to go. I've got a book of nature spots that im ticking off and go to gigs as well even if i dont really care about the band.

Most of all though in the last few years actually sleeping as I should has massively improved my life and motivation. Easier said than done I know, but I find that sleeping more and drinking less are the 2 things that really will help with quality of life (alone or together) immediately and dramatically.

Find a boredom cure outside of your marriage. He's there to look after the children in the eve so get out there! He may well follow eventually... Or not. Either way you've got an interesting life.

It doesn’t sound like all is lost OP. Your DC are so little and you’re probably both exhausted. Good advice above about branching out with evening hobbies. It gets tough if all you do is look after kids, all he goes is work, then all you do is watch TV and moan to each other!

This is more or less my life, but I absolutely love it. I've taken a break from teaching and having every evening free to do fuck all is amazing.

We play a lot of Xbox together, which is great fun. Is that an option? We play D&D with friends online. We watch TV together or if he is watching something I'm not keen on, I'll read or crochet. The OU have lots of free modules. Do you like crafty hobbies? What about volunteering an evening a week at Brownies/Guides?

Is it possible that you’re just a bit bored generally? Being a SAHM has its rewards and its challenges. It’s not that easy to stay mentally stimulated, even if you’re generally content and sure that it’s the best arrangement for your family. I found it hard not to be a bit bored with life when my children were that age but it passed. I went back to work for a few years. That really helped. This is might be just a phase.

Agree with others - you need a hobby at least once a week. I personally love yoga for this - the zen type with cheesy gong music and incense - the endorphins and the time out are wonderful.

YANBU but then neither is your DH. It does sound like you're stuck in a bit of a rut but when I was working FT and had a baby who didn't sleep well I didn't fancy sex that much either, I was just too tired. It was absolutely no reflection on my partner or our relationship, I was just nackered. And to be honest, by the end of a long week at work I would probably have chosen vegging out in front of the TV with a takeaway on Friday night over a mystery activity picked out of a jar too. I think once the DC get a bit older it's easier to motivate yourself. Could you compromise and say you'll do something new on your date night once a month?